Doomed To Be Last?

The Family First Party, that bastion of all things virtuous and wonderful, have announced that they plan to, at their next general meeting, complete the list of who comes where in the pecking order.

“Clearly, Family comes first”, The Yowie’s insider informed us. “However, the complete pecking order, at the time of the last election, was far too contentious to run with, and we hope to rectify this at the next conference.”

Former national rugby coaches Wayne Bennet and Eddy Jones are rumoured to be working on a two hour comedy show that they plan to take on the road starting early next year.

Former national rugby coaches Wayne Bennet and Eddy Jones are rumoured to be working on a two hour comedy show that they plan to take on the road starting early next year.

A porn video alegedly featuring the former Corrective services Minister Amanda Vandstone is rumoured to have hit the internet. The Liberal Party heavy weight is rumoured to be shown abusing inmates from Sydney’s Long Bay Jail.

The film, described as being modelled on the outrages perpetrated at Abu Grade in Guantenemo Bay, features inmates in various compromised positions with the Minister.

All prisoners here, however, are heard tearfully begging for a hood.

Local Brisbane GroupTinfoil Hat Conspiracy Group (THCG) has recently revealed to The Yowie that, despite extensive recruitment drives, the THCG is failing to attract new members.

The posters, depicting Uncle Sam in a metallic salad bowl turned upside down, have become a favourite of valley locals, as has the tagline extolling people to “Join Us Today - Otherwise THEY Win”, which is then followed by absolutely no contact details.

When Samantha Sminter, a high powered exec with a medium sized Melbourne Accountancy firm, recently decided to renovate her trendy South Melbourne Terrace, she decided to employ Architect Fernando “Abba” Ricardo.

“Fernando was a natural fit for me”, Samantha said. “I loved the way he used Glass to create such a beautiful effect, and add light to otherwise dark and depressing places.”

Local sporting hero Matt Matthewson may not be a house hold name, and he may be just a C grade club cricketer, but he has already mastered the fine art of the sporting cliche when interviewed.

Attending a dinner party at the home of team mate Craig Craigey, Matt put his awesome power of cliched answers to the ultimate test when responding to a questions Craig’s wife Billy on how he was enjoying the season so far.

Members of the secret order of the Illuminati have today announced their protection of the bloodline of Christ to have ended in failure. “For thousands of years we have kept the descendents of the Holy Jesus safe,” confided the Illuminati President Jacques Leroy to the Yowie. “However, as this unfortunate event has happened we now have no further use for our order.

Northern Sydney Desperate Housewife Jane “Sandra” Dee has been a massive fan of Desperate Housewive’s since first seeing the show when it premiered last year.

“I love that show. It shows that middle aged woman can be sexy and lead fascinating lives”, Jane told The Yowie whilst cleaning the kitchen sink.

Unbeknownst to the world, Jane is also habouring a secret Desperate Housewives fantasy.

In a startling turn of events scientists at the Gold Coast Campus of Griffith University have found that the surge of endorphins resulting from smiling leads to an inexorable slump in mood. “We all know the body’s repair mechanisms slow down as we get older,” said a straight-faced Bevan Butcher of Griffith University, “neither do the endorphins released at the time of smiling get replaced in the same quantity over time. Thus the more you smile the more likely you are to suffer from depression, anxiety, and unipolar disorders in general.”