The Yowie

Aboriginal Elders Claim Victory in 100 Year Battle

Aboriginal Elders, representing the wider Indigenous community, today declared their victory against the invading whitemen. In a startling development, a spokesman for the elders announced the curse of five wirrunen, Aboriginal sorcerors, invocated in 1906 to have finally accomplished its task.

New letter for the English Language

Computer hardware companies in England, the U.S., and Australia are banding together to pressure their respective governments to introduce a new letter to the English language. This new letter will look like the capital letter ‘T’ only rotated 90 degrees clockwise and it will symbolise the sound of someone blowing a rasberry! When asked why the language [...]

Researchers Prove 40% Of All Research Is Crap

A Monash University think tank has uncovered ‘irrefutable proof’ that 40% of all research is not worth the paper it is written on. This startling find has the academic world in a spin and already has scientists questioning Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (Hitherto a bedrock of scientific certainty). Your ever faithful science reporter will relay the facts [...]

Mother of Moses Retrospectively Tried For Child Abandonment

As part of the fall out from the well publicised child abandonment case in Venezuala, wherein a young mother tied her infant in a plastic bag and threw hin in a river, officials within the Catholic Synod are reviewing the actions of Moses’ Mother. In an effort to save her young son from the Egyptian [...]

Psychotropic Windfall Forecast

In an effort to combat what is currently known as Gulf War Syndrome (but is more commonly known as Shell shock or Battle Fatigue) U.S. pharmaceutical companies have stumbled upon a lucrative prize: psychotropic drugs. Psychotropic drugs are already used to treat many forms of mood disorders from depression to hyperactivity. The U.S. Army has, for [...]

Handy-dandy Weather Decoder Book

TV Viewers Treated with Conempt by Stations! By Farinelli Arthur Grum has commenced legal action agianst the big five free-to-air telveision networks in Australia. “They’re treating us with contempt!” he rages. “Just listen to the crap they talk on the weather! They use terms like ‘upper level low’ and ‘experiencing the back of a front’, What the [...]

U.S. tipped To Announce New Strategy in Iraq

After his State of the Union address, U.S. President George Bush is tipped to announce he will be making cuts to the defence budget. The first to go will be conventional bombs. These will be replaced with Pork Rings which can be plentifully produced at a fraction of the price of munitions. “Plus”, Strategic Analyst Randy [...]

New Fashion Comes At A Cost

Cosmetic surgeons are bracing themselves for the next big thing in fashion: Moving hair. That’s right, you read it in The Yowie first, hair that moves by itself is soon to be within the average persons reach. Pretty soon we can all look like the BeeGees with our hair blowing around us while in a [...]

It Isn’t Easy Being “Hung Like A Human”

Man Penised Chiron It isn’t easy being half man, half horse and getting your genitalia from your father’s side. Whilst all my mates are wondering around the country side packing a member that they could use to beat small mammals to death with, I instead wander around with this tiny man dick. And before all you humans [...]

Is Che The Only Revolutionary People Remember?

Why Am I Never On T-Shirts? So why is my face not splattered all over the T-Shirts of 1st World 20-somethings when Che Guevara is almost as ubiquitous as a copy of the Da Vinci Code? I have wracked my brain looking for a reason, really I have, and I can think of only two possibilities: I’m [...]

Soccer Star Has Car Accident, Feigns Head Injury

A Picture Taken Moments After The Accident The Yowie has been told that World Footballing Great Rivaldo, whilst driving his car in down down Rio last Saturday, was hit from behind by a 1976 VW bug. Whilst shocked onlookers watched on, it is claimed that Rivaldo proceeded to leave his car clutching his head, in [...]

Bennet & Jones Tipped To Combine for Comedy Routine

Former national rugby coaches Wayne Bennet and Eddy Jones are rumoured to be working on a two hour comedy show that they plan to take on the road starting early next year.

Local Sportsman Showcases Interview Technique

Matt Matthewson: Wannabe

Local sporting hero Matt Matthewson may not be a house hold name, and he may be just a C grade club cricketer, but he has already mastered the art of the sporting cliche when interviewed.

Attending a dinner party at the home of team mate Craig Craigey, Matt was asked by Craig’s wife Billy how he was enjoying the season so far.

Deperate Housewife’s Secret Desperate Housewives Fantasy Not So Secret

Northern Sydney Desperate Housewife Jane “Sandra” Dee has been a massive fan of Desperate Housewive’s since first seeing the show when it premiered last year.

“I love that show. It shows that middle aged woman can be sexy and lead fascinating lives”, Jane told The Yowie whilst cleaning the kitchen sink.

Unbeknownst to the world, Jane is also habouring a secret Desperate Housewives fantasy.

Last Descendent of Christ Dies in Satanic Ritual

Members of the secret order of the Illuminati have today announced their protection of the bloodline of Christ to have ended in failure. “For thousands of years we have kept the descendents of the Holy Jesus safe,” confided the Illuminati President Jacques Leroy to the Yowie. “However, as this unfortunate event has happened we now have no further use for our order.

Brisbane Tinfoil Hat Conspiracy Group Failing To Attract Members

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Local Brisbane Group Tinfoil Hat Conspiracy Group (THCG) has recently revealed to The Yowie that, despite extensive recruitment drives, the THCG is failing to attract new members.

The posters, depicting Uncle Sam in a metallic salad bowl turned upside down, have become a favourite of valley locals, as has the tagline extolling people to “Join Us Today - Otherwise THEY Win”, which is then followed by absolutely no contact details.

Smiling Found To Be Major Cause Of Depression

In a startling turn of events scientists at the Gold Coast Campus of Griffith University have found that the surge of endorphins resulting from smiling leads to an inexorable slump in mood. “We all know the body’s repair mechanisms slow down as we get older,” said a straight-faced Bevan Butcher of Griffith University, “neither do the endorphins released at the time of smiling get replaced in the same quantity over time. Thus the more you smile the more likely you are to suffer from depression, anxiety, and unipolar disorders in general.”

High Powered Female Exec Installs Glass Ceiling At Home: Misses Irony

When Samantha Sminter, a high powered exec with a medium sized Melbourne Accountancy firm, recently decided to renovate her trendy South Melbourne Terrace, she decided to employ Architect Fernando “Abba” Ricardo.

“Fernando was a natural fit for me”, Samantha said. “I loved the way he used Glass to create such a beautiful effect, and add light to otherwise dark and depressing places.”

Family First Conference To Decide Who Comes Second

Doomed To Be Last?

The Family First Party, that bastion of all things virtuos and wonderful, have announced that they plan to, at their next general meeting, complete the list of who comes where in the pecking order.

“Clearly, Family comes first”, The Yowie’s insider informed us. “However, the complete pecking order, at the time of the last election, was far too contentious to run with, and we hope to rectify this at the next conference.”

Editorial: Why Aren’t I On Any T-Shirts?

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Seems to me that, just in life, only sexy dead revolutionaries get to be on T-Shirts. What else explains the Che Guevera phenomenon?

Che Guevara Gets All The Respect!

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Why is it that when rich, spoilt, bourgeois Americans choose a revolutionary to put on their T-Shirts, they always choose Che? For goodness sake, he wasn't the only revolutionary you know.

What about me? I was a revolutionary too, and it's not like Che and me were that different now, is it?

It Isn’t Easy Being “Hung Like A Human”

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It isn't easy being a half man, half horse creature and getting your genitalia from your father's side. Whilst all my mates are wondering around the country side packing a member that they could use to beat small mammals to death with, I instead wander around with this tiny man dick.

And before all you humans tell me "it isn't all that bad", have you ever tried to mount a female centaur? I don't get within a foot of getting it close enough to get the job done.

Soccer Star Has Car Accident, Feigns Head Injury

A Picture Taken Moments After The Accident World Great Rivaldo, whilst driving his car in down down Rio, had his car hit from behind by a 1976 VW bug. Whilst shocked onlookers stoodby, Rivaldo proceeded to leave his car clutching his head in obviious agony and pain. “It was no more than a love tap”, Miguel [...]

What Counts as an Answer? by Meo Kusanagi

Sounds a simple question, right? Well apparently not. Philosophers at Griffith University’s Department for Arts have recognised that such a question is itself rhetorical. So what? Well if the question ‘What counts as an answer?’ cannot be answered then the human race is doomed to never knowing (that is truly knowing) anything! So what, again!? Doesn’t [...]

Who watches the watchmen? by Grimshaw Yank

That’s the quesstion being asked by the Bulgarian weightlifting team after an undercover investigation revealed the most prolific substance abuse takes place in the lab’s and not on the field. After years of controversy, involving allegations of drug use, officials involved with the Bulgarian wieghtlifting team instigated a thorough and detailed investigation of those charged with [...]

Death of a Ghostwriter Divides Theological Community

Where do ghostwriters go when they die? If they were ghosts in real life what do they become when they die? And what, exactly, is the status of a living ghost? Theological groups around the world are meeting in Helsinki this week to thrash out these thorny issues. The problem started earlier last month with the [...]

Motorcycle Thugs Barricade Themselves in Clubhouse. by Jebediah Tool

After what has become known as the Ballroom Blitz on the Gold Coast, Finks motorcycle members have barricaded themselves in their clubhouse in Labrador. Razorwire surrounds the perimeter, heavy iron bars cover the windows, the gates are reinforced steel and triple locked. Two Finks members are charged with attempted murder and causing a melee in a [...]

Politicians Call For Cartoon Truce. By Jebediah Tool

Senior politicians from Indonesia and Australia today called for an end to the cartoon wars being waged by newspapers in their respective countries. President Yuduyono and Prime Minister Howard agreed further public ridiculing would not help the already strained relations between Jakarta and Canberra. The Yowie completely agrees with these sentiments. Let’s get back to the [...]

Vote 1: Doug

With the news today that Trevor Hohns has resigned as Chairman of selectors for the Australian Cricket Team, The Yowie have officially launched our “Vote 1: Doug” Campaign. The campaign is designed to put Doug Walters on the Australian Cricket Selection Committee. Announcing the launch of the campaign, The Yowie’s fictional PR agent Dr Spin said [...]

Like A Version Two

Like A Version Two I really loved the first version of Like A Version (try saying THAT ten times quickly), so when the latest copy of J Mail, the JJJ newsletter, hit my inbox, the sucker impulse buyer in me decided to purchase it on the spot and… I am not sure about this one. For those [...]