Man Penised Chiron

It isn’t easy being half man, half horse and getting your genitalia from your father’s side. Whilst all my mates are wondering around the country side packing a member that they could use to beat small mammals to death with, I instead wander around with this tiny man dick.

And before all you humans tell me “it isn’t all that bad”, have you ever tried to mount a female centaur? I don’t get within a foot of getting it in, and that is if the female even gives me half a look in, which given my plight, many simply won’t do.

Why Am I Never On T-Shirts?

So why is my face not splattered all over the T-Shirts of 20 1st World somethings when Che Guevara is almost as ubiquitous as a copy of the Da Vinci Code? I have wracked my brain looking for a reason, really I have, and I can think of only two possibilities:

1. I’m Jewish. Che clearly wasn’t Jewish, and even today, it seems that Jews just get no respect.
2. He has tremendous sex appeal, whilst I am, at best, an acquired taste.

And you know what? I reckon the latter hit the nail on the head. It appears that, even for revolutionaries, only sexy ones get to be on T-Shirts.

Aboriginal Elders, representing the wider Indigenous community, today declared their victory against the invading whitemen. In a startling development, a spokesman for the elders announced the curse of five wirrunen, Aboriginal sorcerors, invocated in 1906 to have finally accomplished its task.

In east central Australia sometime in 1906 a collection of wirrunen formed what historians came to call the Molonga cult. This cult was formed to fight the invading Europeans by calling upon the Great Mother from the Water (Ka’inini). After five nights of chanting and corroboree Ka’inini was invoked to swallow the whites and send them to the Dreamtime. According to the Aboriginal spokesman this has now been accomplished.

When asked to explain the Spokesman pointed out how the lives of Australians are vacuous, illdirected, and meaningless. “Your bodies exist in this land but your minds are trapped in the Dreamtime. We have won!

Computer hardware companies in England, the U.S., and Australia are banding together to pressure their respective governments to introduce a new letter to the English language.

This new letter will look like the capital letter ‘T’ only rotated 90 degrees clockwise and it will symbolise the sound of someone blowing a rasberry!

When asked why the language needed this addition Lance Lumley of the conglomerate organisations answered, “The inclusion of this letter will make all previous computer consoles obsolete. This is purely a marketing strategy!” As many of the reporters grumbled at the ethics of such a maneuver Lumley replied, “Oh come on! Software manufacturers have been doing stuff like this for years!”

As part of the fall out from the well publicised child abandonment case in Venezuala, wherein a young mother tied her infant in a plastic bag and threw hin in a river, officials within the Catholic Synod are reviewing the actions of Moses’ Mother.

In an effort to save her young son from the Egyptian Pharoah, Moses’ mother put him in a basket and hid him in the bullrushes of the Nile.

“The parallel is disturbing,” says an unnamed source close to the Cardinals. “Many people in South American countries are of the Catholic faith, and if this young mother appeals to the precedent of Moses’ mother to justify her actions she may very well have all charges against her quashed.”

Moses’ mother was deemed a heroine for the risk she took, thereby allowing a prophet of Christ to fulfill his function. “Legally the mother can claim she abandoned her infant for the same reasons and get away with it”, said the source. “So we’re attempting to close the loophole before the trial begins.”

A Monash University think tank has uncovered ‘irrefutable proof’ that 40% of all research is not worth the paper it is written on. This startling find has the academic world in a spin and already has scientists questioning Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (Hitherto a bedrock of scientific certainty).

Your ever faithful science reporter will relay the facts as they come to light.