In a bizzare twist to the North Korean nuclear stand-off CIA officials are questioning a New York barber whom they believe acted as a middle-man between Kim Jong Il and his American financial backer. “Until now,” said a CIA source close to the investigation, “there has only been a prima facie link between the backer and President Kim. However, now we have the barber we believe we may be able to lay charges.

Yowie political correspondent Grimsahw Yank asked if the CIA were prepared to further explain their investigation and name the suspected financier.

“The investigation was simply putting two and two together,” replied the source. Only a few men in the world are capable of giving a haircut as bad as the one worn by President Kim. We simply put out our feelers for this man and then looked down his client list.”

“Any names stand out?” asked our faithful Yowie reporter.
“Isn’t it obvious? Who has the money, the connections, and enough bad taste to have a hairstyle similar to that?
“Elvis?”
“Donald Trump!”
“So you’ve got the big wigs then?”
“Are you being funny?
”

The cricketing world has been rocked by a drugs scandal within the Pakistani team. Two players, Muhammad Astif and Shoaib Akhtar, have returned positive drugs’ tests and are now awaiting disciplinary hearings.
Akhtar had previously claimed he’d eaten an off curry before giving the urine sample. “Curry’s do funny things to you! I once ate a curry that gummed me up so bad my ears were as big as an elephant’s!” he explained to the ICB.

For years rumours have circulated about match fixing, ball tampering, and binge drinking within the cricketing fraternity. But never have there been allegations of performance enhancing drugs.

What drug on earth can make one a better cricketer?

In a Yowie world exclusive Shoaib Akhtar explained. “Listen here, a game of cricket takes a long, long time. And it’s bloody boring for most of it. Goodness-gracious, when you’re posted in the out-field, with nothing to do, you sometimes wish you’d brought a book. Anyway Muhammad and I started taking No-Doze tablets. Golly-gosh, way out there the spectators are giving us beers. It’s a wonder we can stand up, let alone stay awake.”

When asked about the prevelance of drugs in cricket, Akhtar responded, “For most games it’s a waste of time even showing up! All you need are a bowler, a batter and a wicket keeper. Even the umpires have prosthetic braces in their trouser legs so they can sleep standing up! And did you ever consider the Test cricket in the bad old days? When a game could go for a month and end in a draw! How could anyone stay awake through that!? English sides were off their trolleys the entire time. I think it’s most unfair Muhummad and I have been singled out.”

A rival version of the TV game show The Biggest Loser halted abruptly this week in Suva Fiji. Contestant’s had complained of being intimidated by the show’s sponsor. “He’s a REAL loser,” said one hopeful. “There’s more to being a loser than just shedding weight. And we’re not in this guy’s class.”

Sponsors, By Ling Slimming Tea, had promised the contestants a purse of one million dollars to be distributed by series end. The Fijian Government stood to make money and generate much needed global exposure.

By Ling Slimming Tea, however, was deregistered in the late eighties for false advertising. In short, it was a crock. The tea only slimmed pockets, doing nothing to reduce one’s weight. As was seen when company director Peter Foster was manhandled into a paddy wagon.

The disgusting, corrupulent, fleshy mass offending our televisions was living proof of By Ling’s ineffectuality. Furthermore, it once and for all put beyond any doubt Peter Foster’s undisputed claim to being the world’s biggest loser (in every aspect).

U. S. Secretary of Defence Mr Donald Rumsfeld announced today prisoners in Camp X-Ray would be celebrating Christmas this year. “Yes,” he said at a White House press conference, “We are closing Guantenemo. The Administration has concluded it is in the best interests of all to reintroduce these enemy combatants back into society. Having the prisoners celebrate Christmas is one of the programs in place to reintegrate them.”

When asked if the U.S. government would be sending them any gifts Mr Rumsfeld returned, “I think the gift of life is more than adequate. On top of this we have, for the last three years fed, housed, clothed, and cared for these men. Men, let us not forget, intent upon the destruction of our society.”

“Are the inmates of Camp X-Ray still those enemy combatants from the Iraq conflict?” asked the Yowie.

“Well, duh!” answered Mr Rumsfeld. “Where have you been these past three years?”

“It’s just that if they are the same people then they are linked with Al Qaeda, correct?”

“Yes, we’ve taken this into account. No prisoners of any threat will be released. Those thought to still pose a danger will be rendered to other third party prisons.”

“No, no. That’s not what I was getting at. What I mean is if these inmates are affiliated with Al Qaeda then they’re probably Muslim. And if they’re Muslim they don’t celebrate Christmas.”

1. Extraordinary Rendition aka I can’t believe it’s not torture - the legal process of removing a human to a country in which humans and animals have similar rights. Involves not only the applying of the letter and not the spirit of the law, but the kicking to death of said spirit until it is a dribbling mess of antiquated, outdated notions of civility.
2. WMD - A nebulous term that can be used as a “get of jail free” excuse to justify anything. E.g.: “I am sorry I didn’t do the dishes mum, I was looking for WMDs in my room”.
3. Government - The group of middle aged white men that secured our vote by telling us lies we wanted to hear when it most benefited them that they are then in aposition to break. Equivalent to a middles age king or emporer, the government has full rights to tell the people what to do, with no discussion entered into outside of set, specific moments in time referred to as “elections”.
4. Opposition - The group of middle aged white men that are not in a position to make what they tell us lies, but who hope to one day be in such a position. Job includes hanging shit on the government at every opportunity, and using the phrases “a disgrace”, “a waste of taxpayer’s money” and “the minister should resign” as often as possible.
5. Election - A process whereby two externally, morally and politically virtually identical white, middle aged men, whose views can differ by no more than 0.01%, are presented as the only two choices for lord and master from which “voters” can choose.
6. Vote - The process of choosing which of two middle-aged white men’s lies you feel most comfortable pretending will come true. See also “self delusion”.
7. Democracy - A loosely defined term that involves justifying a tightly controlled and defined political system by pretending that people have choices. See also “Vote”.
8. Habeas corpus (deprecated) - Definition lost in the sands of time.
9. Human Rights (deprecated) - A series of rights that we no longer feel the need to pretend every human being has. Rights we no longer pretend to respect include fair trials, justice and fair and reasonable treatment whilst incarcerated.
10. Freedom - Having achieved someone else’s desires for our lives: e.g.: “We have been given freedom”.
11. War (deprecated) - See “Freedomising”.
12. Freedomising (verb) - The process of making others conform to your vision of how they should live.
13. Truth (deprecated) - an antiquated notion of the nature of things.
14. God - A fictional, non-corporeal character used to justify appalling acts of mass evil perpetrated by corporeal humans.
15. Devil - God’s fictional, non-corporeal competitor. Handy as an excuse when using God won’t work, e.g. when caught in bed with a male prostitute who supplies you with illicit drugs. Despite being characterised as “evil”, ironically rarely the justification for acts of mass evil and rarely, if ever, the rallying call of murderous mobs.
16. Terrorist - Someone who buys our weapons, takes our training and then uses said skills and weapons in ways we don’t approve of or haven’t sanctioned. See also “former ally” and “freedom fighter”.
17. Freedom Fighter - Someone who buys our weapons, takes our training and then uses said skills and weapons in ways we do approve of or have sanctioned. See also “current ally” and “terrorist”.
18. Interest Rate - The primary concern of the populous. Used to scare, cajole and otherwise intimidate with rises and falls, the justification of which, and for which, is never presented nor understood.
19. Economy - A series of numbers that imposes fear, panic and pain on people.
20. Recession - The devil incarnate. An economic condition that afflicts nations that is to be feared and avoided using any measures and at all costs. Measures include but are not restricted to destroying the environment, destruction of native title and the imprisoning of those seeking asylum.
21. Education - A system of indoctrination whose funding can be used to win votes.
22. Current Affairs - A television show whose primary goal is to engage in publicity stunts to achieve the desired number of viewers. Contains nothing current, and many plotlines are repeated ad nauseam, particularly those involving breasts and bras.
23. Diplomacy - The system of enforcing the views on those with inferior arsenal of weapons with the hope that an economic benefit can be gained by not needing to use said weapons.
24. Drugs - A series of chemicals with pleasant affects that are outlawed in order to have a quick and easy tool to both scare the voting middle classes, and provide an outlet for funding that secures votes. See also Police and law and order.
25. Murder - Killing that isn’t sanctioned by the ruling class; usually on a smaller and more intimate scale than mass, government sponsored anonymous killings that utilise weapons that require little or no direct contact.
26. Extraordinary Information Dispersal - The process of dispersing information such that a preordained decision is made palatable to a consuming public.
27. Propaganda - Lies told by other countries. A tactic never employed by the morally pure leaders of our own land.

U.S. and Australian heads of state announced today they will be ‘Staying the course’ in Iraq. Despite dwindling public support, runaway expenses, and a mounting body-count President Bush and Prime Minister Howard declared their policy of no change. Neither leader is even contemplating an exit strategy!

Perplexing stuff!

The Yowie, however, has uncovered the real reasons behind today’s announcement, and yes, dear Reader, it is more of the same!

Read the rest of this entry »

After a tiring APEC summit John Howard generously donated some of his time to speak with the Yowie. Our reporter, Grimshaw Yank, uncovered a little more about some recent and controversial decisions made by the Prime Minister.

“Prime Minister, you and your Liberal Party collegues were most outspoken about the comments of Sheik Taj din El Hilali suggesting women incited rape by dressing in a way reminiscent of uncovered meat. Would you like to expand on that?”

“I found those comments especially repugnant and insensitive. There’s no place for that attitiude in Australia – or anywhere in the world for that matter. Regardless of what a woman wears she should never be regarded as a piece of uncovered meat.”

“To the Iraq question: You’ve announced Australia will be ‘staying the course.’ Why are our troops remaining in Iraq?”

“Our troops are in Iraq to support the fledgling government who is still trying to impose the rule of law.”

“Rule of law? Hasn’t the new Iraqi government advocated its adherence to Shari law?”

“Quite so. Shari law has been a part of Iraqi culture for thousands of years.”

“But doesn’t Shari law sentence women for inciting rape? Especially when they have dressed in a way reminiscent of uncovered meat?”

“Well … yes.”

“So while you publicly denounce Sheik Taj din El Hilali’s comments you militarily support a government that embodies them?”

“You don’t like me do you Grimshaw?”