November 1st, 2009 by
Grimshaw Yank
In a bizzare twist to the North Korean nuclear stand-off CIA officials are questioning a New York barber whom they believe acted as a middle-man between Kim Jong Il and his American financial backer. “Until now,” said a CIA source close to the investigation, “there has only been a prima facie link between the backer and President Kim. However, now we have the barber we believe we may be able to lay charges.
Yowie political correspondent Grimsahw Yank asked if the CIA were prepared to further explain their investigation and name the suspected financier.
“The investigation was simply putting two and two together,” replied the source. Only a few men in the world are capable of giving a haircut as bad as the one worn by President Kim. We simply put out our feelers for this man and then looked down his client list.”
“Any names stand out?” asked our faithful Yowie reporter.
“Isn’t it obvious? Who has the money, the connections, and enough bad taste to have a hairstyle similar to that?
“Elvis?”
“Donald Trump!”
“So you’ve got the big wigs then?”
“Are you being funny?
”
November 1st, 2009 by
Jebediah Tool
The cricketing world has been rocked by a drugs scandal within the Pakistani team. Two players, Muhammad Astif and Shoaib Akhtar, have returned positive drugs’ tests and are now awaiting disciplinary hearings.
Akhtar had previously claimed he’d eaten an off curry before giving the urine sample. “Curry’s do funny things to you! I once ate a curry that gummed me up so bad my ears were as big as an elephant’s!” he explained to the ICB.
For years rumours have circulated about match fixing, ball tampering, and binge drinking within the cricketing fraternity. But never have there been allegations of performance enhancing drugs.
What drug on earth can make one a better cricketer?
In a Yowie world exclusive Shoaib Akhtar explained. “Listen here, a game of cricket takes a long, long time. And it’s bloody boring for most of it. Goodness-gracious, when you’re posted in the out-field, with nothing to do, you sometimes wish you’d brought a book. Anyway Muhammad and I started taking No-Doze tablets. Golly-gosh, way out there the spectators are giving us beers. It’s a wonder we can stand up, let alone stay awake.”
When asked about the prevelance of drugs in cricket, Akhtar responded, “For most games it’s a waste of time even showing up! All you need are a bowler, a batter and a wicket keeper. Even the umpires have prosthetic braces in their trouser legs so they can sleep standing up! And did you ever consider the Test cricket in the bad old days? When a game could go for a month and end in a draw! How could anyone stay awake through that!? English sides were off their trolleys the entire time. I think it’s most unfair Muhummad and I have been singled out.”
November 1st, 2009 by
Farinelli
A rival version of the TV game show The Biggest Loser halted abruptly this week in Suva Fiji. Contestant’s had complained of being intimidated by the show’s sponsor. “He’s a REAL loser,” said one hopeful. “There’s more to being a loser than just shedding weight. And we’re not in this guy’s class.”
Sponsors, By Ling Slimming Tea, had promised the contestants a purse of one million dollars to be distributed by series end. The Fijian Government stood to make money and generate much needed global exposure. 
By Ling Slimming Tea, however, was deregistered in the late eighties for false advertising. In short, it was a crock. The tea only slimmed pockets, doing nothing to reduce one’s weight. As was seen when company director Peter Foster was manhandled into a paddy wagon.
The disgusting, corrupulent, fleshy mass offending our televisions was living proof of By Ling’s ineffectuality. Furthermore, it once and for all put beyond any doubt Peter Foster’s undisputed claim to being the world’s biggest loser (in every aspect).
November 1st, 2009 by
Grimshaw Yank
U. S. Secretary of Defence Mr Donald Rumsfeld announced today prisoners in Camp X-Ray would be celebrating Christmas this year. “Yes,” he said at a White House press conference, “We are closing Guantenemo. The Administration has concluded it is in the best interests of all to reintroduce these enemy combatants back into society. Having the prisoners celebrate Christmas is one of the programs in place to reintegrate them.”
When asked if the U.S. government would be sending them any gifts Mr Rumsfeld returned, “I think the gift of life is more than adequate. On top of this we have, for the last three years fed, housed, clothed, and cared for these men. Men, let us not forget, intent upon the destruction of our society.”
“Are the inmates of Camp X-Ray still those enemy combatants from the Iraq conflict?” asked the Yowie.
“Well, duh!” answered Mr Rumsfeld. “Where have you been these past three years?”
“It’s just that if they are the same people then they are linked with Al Qaeda, correct?”
“Yes, we’ve taken this into account. No prisoners of any threat will be released. Those thought to still pose a danger will be rendered to other third party prisons.”
“No, no. That’s not what I was getting at. What I mean is if these inmates are affiliated with Al Qaeda then they’re probably Muslim. And if they’re Muslim they don’t celebrate Christmas.”

November 1st, 2009 by
Grimshaw Yank
U.S. and Australian heads of state announced today they will be ‘Staying the course’ in Iraq. Despite dwindling public support, runaway expenses, and a mounting body-count President Bush and Prime Minister Howard declared their policy of no change. Neither leader is even contemplating an exit strategy!
Perplexing stuff!
The Yowie, however, has uncovered the real reasons behind today’s announcement, and yes, dear Reader, it is more of the same!
Read the rest of this entry »
November 1st, 2009 by
Grimshaw Yank
After a tiring APEC summit John Howard generously donated some of his time to speak with the Yowie. Our reporter, Grimshaw Yank, uncovered a little more about some recent and controversial decisions made by the Prime Minister.
“Prime Minister, you and your Liberal Party collegues were most outspoken about the comments of Sheik Taj din El Hilali suggesting women incited rape by dressing in a way reminiscent of uncovered meat. Would you like to expand on that?”
“I found those comments especially repugnant and insensitive. There’s no place for that attitiude in Australia – or anywhere in the world for that matter. Regardless of what a woman wears she should never be regarded as a piece of uncovered meat.”
“To the Iraq question: You’ve announced Australia will be ‘staying the course.’ Why are our troops remaining in Iraq?”
“Our troops are in Iraq to support the fledgling government who is still trying to impose the rule of law.”
“Rule of law? Hasn’t the new Iraqi government advocated its adherence to Shari law?”
“Quite so. Shari law has been a part of Iraqi culture for thousands of years.”
“But doesn’t Shari law sentence women for inciting rape? Especially when they have dressed in a way reminiscent of uncovered meat?”
“Well … yes.”
“So while you publicly denounce Sheik Taj din El Hilali’s comments you militarily support a government that embodies them?”
“You don’t like me do you Grimshaw?”