Top Ten Reasons Why Sports Commentators are so Bad
1. Aliens have taken over their minds. The brain numbing dribble they sprout is designed to lower our collective intelligence thus making the inevitable interstellar invasion easier for our prospective conquerors.
2. Sports commentators are usually ex-sportspeople. Sportspeople are usually bad at school. People who are bad at school are usually stupid. Enough said.
3. Years of sitting next to high frequency electronic transmitters have fried their brains. Let’s hope it’s made them sterile as well.
4. Sports commentators pin their identity on the sport they describe. Their useless badinage arises in a desperate attempt to make the game and thereby themselves more interesting than they actually are.
5. They get paid by the word.
6. Locker room gases have seeped up into the commentary box, mixed with the commentators’ hot air, producing the equivalent of an embollism in their brains.
7. A little known fact: The worst commentators are paid the most money. This is because advertisers realise listeners will want to hear their commercials to purge themselves of the drivel they’ve just endured.
8. If sport is ritualised war then commentators must be terrorists. Just as the true terrorists (those who cause terror) are not the ones who kill or die, but the ones who report it.
9. The law probability demands that if enough commentary is made some of it will be worth listening to. Sports commetators unrelenting defiance of this law marks the last great paradox for science.
10. Sports commentators are trapped in a Freudian Oral Phase of childhood. Their loquaciousness, the phallic shaped microphones, their pathetic and transparent need for approval, etc, point to deep and troubling psychoses.

