In entertainment news, US Rapper ‘lil Killer G Doggy Dog has taken Rolling Stone Magazine to court in an attempt to have details of his childhood Chess Prodigy past suppressed.

‘lil Killer G Doggy Dog

Rolling Stone allegedly uncovered this tawdry secret whilst doing a piece on ‘lil Killer G (real name Andrew Smith) after his Grammy nominated debut album, “%#%$# the &^$^%$ in the &&^%^ hood” went platinum. Several “irregularities” were uncovered in ‘lil Killer G’s story of his childhood, including claims he spent years in “the system” for a murder he claimed to have committed at age 8, leading Rolling Stone to dig a little deeper.

The subsequent investigation uncovered his rather happy and affluent past in upstate New York, and the alleged Chess ability. The story threatens to be the biggest entertainment story of the year, and is tipped to derail the once promising career of a man who Rolling Stone itself had just two months previously proclaimed “the likely heir to the Tuppac crown”.

A spokesperson for Rolling Stone refused to officially comment, due to ongoing legal battles, but The Yowie has confirmed through Upstate New York Chess Confederation secretary Judith Morrison that ‘lil Killer G was indeed a chess star, with Ms Morrison stating that “Andrew was one of my favourites. A really lovely, polite and well groomed young man, who came from two fine parents, both doctors”. This is significantly at odds with his self proclaimed past of struggle and triumph over adversity, in which he claims he never met his father, and hs mother abandoned him at age 7.

A spokesman for the noted gangsta rapper declined to comment on the specifics of the case, but did said the ‘lil Killer G camp would fight what he called “spurious and false allegations to the bitter, murderous end”. He also maintained the party line that ‘lil Killer G was indeed a “gangsta of the worst kind”, who was “much more likely to commit a major, violent felony like assault, rape, heck even murder, than ponder the relative value giving up a pawn for a bishop”.

‘lil Killer G’s management team went further in their suit, released Thursday, in which they claimed that the Chess Prodigy stories were a “beat up” and a “pathetic attempt to silence the spokesman of his generation”.

Online, fans of ‘lil Killer G have shown almost unanimous support, with one poster, who went by the handle ‘lil Killer B, pointing to a “whiteyman (sic) conspiracy to silence the black man and keep uppity n**** down”.

The case is set down to be heard Monday morning, anda prominant legal expert told The Yowie that “Andrew is screwed. I mean, that being a chess prodify is bad for hsi curent profession is not grounds for any sort of suppression i am aware of.”

Added: ‘lil Killer B has been revealed as Baltimore youth Daniel O’Hare, who apparently is not only white, but also attends an exclusive Baltimore private school. Daniel’s parents have since made him appologise for his comments online, which they described as “rascist and derogatory”.

The cricketing world has been rocked by a drugs scandal within the Pakistani team. Two players, Muhammad Astif and Shoaib Akhtar, have returned positive drugs’ tests and are now awaiting disciplinary hearings.
Akhtar had previously claimed he’d eaten an off curry before giving the urine sample. “Curry’s do funny things to you! I once ate a curry that gummed me up so bad my ears were as big as an elephant’s!” he explained to the ICB.

For years rumours have circulated about match fixing, ball tampering, and binge drinking within the cricketing fraternity. But never have there been allegations of performance enhancing drugs.

What drug on earth can make one a better cricketer?

In a Yowie world exclusive Shoaib Akhtar explained. “Listen here, a game of cricket takes a long, long time. And it’s bloody boring for most of it. Goodness-gracious, when you’re posted in the out-field, with nothing to do, you sometimes wish you’d brought a book. Anyway Muhammad and I started taking No-Doze tablets. Golly-gosh, way out there the spectators are giving us beers. It’s a wonder we can stand up, let alone stay awake.”

When asked about the prevelance of drugs in cricket, Akhtar responded, “For most games it’s a waste of time even showing up! All you need are a bowler, a batter and a wicket keeper. Even the umpires have prosthetic braces in their trouser legs so they can sleep standing up! And did you ever consider the Test cricket in the bad old days? When a game could go for a month and end in a draw! How could anyone stay awake through that!? English sides were off their trolleys the entire time. I think it’s most unfair Muhummad and I have been singled out.”

The Masters games, held on the Gold Coast this preceding weekend 12 – 13 November, has set a new World’s Record. Event chief Fred Winslow explains, “Every Masters Games is rated by the combined age of entrants. This gives us an idea of the number and average age of the athletes. The previous Masters’ Games record, held in Edmonton Canada, had a combined entrants age of 1011 years. We’ve almost doubled that, making our games the most successful on record!”

However, fans could be forgiven for feeling a little disappointed in the standard of athleticism on display. Helsinki boasted around 250 athletes for an aggregate of 1011 years. While the Gold Coast had to spread their 2012 years between only 200 hundred doddering souls.

You do the math.

Man, have they stuffed up this team!

Compare the winning lineups to the losing ones, and the picture is fairly obvious. Gone: White, Simmons, Johnsons. In: Hodge, Hogg, Watson. Add a “can’t bowl” injury to M Clark and we go from an infinitely varied blowing atatck and brilliant in the field, to bog ordinary in both.

And is it just me, or has Hussey, ever since someone said “Beavan” been utterly ordinary? Without a functioning “stabliser” in the middle oreder, the aggressive top order is in trouble.

The Aussie ODI strategy, since the last world cup, has been to take early wickets with the three pace bowlers, to allow the bad bowlers some breathing room against batsmen more concerned with preserving their wicket than getting aftre the attack.

It has continued to work in most games, but when the English Middle order stayed in, read Paul Collingwood) Australia lost their way. Add in a failure to take middle to late innings wickets, and too many missed opportunities, unheard of just two weeks ago, and the middle overs have killed us.

The pace attack, without a second out and out quick like Johnson or Tait, simply lacks venom and bite, and the fifth bowler has gone from a varied, multiple option conglomerate of Simmons medium pace or off-sping, White’s Leggies and Clark’s left arm off spin to Hussey, who didn’t bowl at all previously.

So what needs to be done?

Australia need a four pronged pace attack, with two from Tait, Johnson and Lee, and two from S Clark, Bracken and McGrath. That gives us strike power all the way through, and has been Australia’s best lineup throughout the summer, and right back to the Champions Trophy.

We also need to seriously consider bringing White back, but as a specialist batsmen / late order hitter with the option for an over or two, as well as an excellent fielder, and no matter what, Simmons MUSt be picked. he is simply too valuable to not take a risk on.

With only 15 spots available, the best lineup would be 6 batsmen, Gilly, Hadden (a batsmen as well) and seven bowlers.

That would be:

1. Ponting (c)
2. Gilchrist (vc)
3. Hadden
4. Hayden
5. Clarke
6. Hussey
7. Hodge
8. Simmons
9. White
10. S Clark
11. McGrath
12. Lee
13. Tait
14. Johnson
15. Hogg

Ian Thorpe announced today he will not contest the ‘extaordinarily high’ testosterone readings produced from a blood test he took last year. However, he firmly declares having done nothing wrong. “This is a very sensitive issue,” he told a packed media conference. “I’d just like it to go away. I’ve done nothing wrong. I haven’t cheated. I haven’t taken drugs to improve my performance. Why can’t you people leave me alone?”

When asked about the high teststerone reading Thorpe looked uncomfortable. “Yes … well … I can explain that. Throughout my entire swimming career I have attempted to keep my private life hidden from public scrutiny. What I do in my own time is of no consequence to the public role I play as a sporting ambassador for Australia.”

When asked what on earth he meant and what any of the preceding statement had to do with his high testosterone reading Thorpie replied, “I’m gay, alright. And I like having sex before racing. You figure it out.”

The furore between the World Athletics Association and the Paralympics reached court this week. Paralympics claims W.A.A. athletes are fraudulently infiltrating its ranks. This accusation comes on the back of a recent finding that aging can be, and now is, classed as a disability.

“And who can argue?” asks Professor Barnard Sykes, Emeritus Professor of Human Biology at California University. “Older people lose muscle and bone mineral density, brain function slows, and energy transference markedly declines. In every way aging counts as a disability. An athlete beyond the age of thirty is at a marked and measurable disadvantage to the same athlete at twenty.”

Paralympics does not dispute Professor Sykes’ findings. It does, however, take issue with W.A.A. athletes competing in Paralympic competitions simply because they are older. Astafa Powell (World 100meters record holder) recently competed in a Paralympics meet one week after a World Athletics Championship in Brussels. “Why shouldn’t I?” Powell asks the Yowie. “I’m a week older and therefore a week slower. I won this race fair and square.”

The Paralympics case rests upon the presiding Judge ‘seeing sense’. “If aging is classed as a disability in the sporting sense then the floodgates will open,” said Judith Cuspins, writer of Sports Illustrated. “The Paralympics will become a mere offshoot to the W.A.A. No one doubts the effect of aging on athletes, but where do you draw the line?”

Disgraced Blues player, Wendall Sailor, shocked the footballing fraternity this week by signing a three year deal with the AFL. Sailor was dumped by the ARU for testing positive to cocaine late last year. Recently he has expressed an interest in returning to the ARL, especially to his former club the Brisbane Broncos.

However, secret meetings with interested AFL groups have persuaded Sailor to try his hand at a third code of football. A delighted Nick Koupapedies of the AFL spoke with the Yowie. “We are aware Wendall hasn’t played AFL. But his natural athleticism, size, and agility mark him as a star of the future. We are delighted to bring Wendall into our game and hope that with him will come fans from his former codes.”

Sailor will not play this season. Instead he will train and learn the intricacies of Australian Rules. “I’ve a lot to learn,” says Sailor, ‘but I’m looking forward to the challenges this style of football presents. My ultimate goal is to be the first person in Australian history to represent their country in three footballing codes. So while I’m learning to play Australian Rules my sights are firmly set on the International Rules games we play against Ireland.”

When asked about how he came to consider AFL Sailor responded, “I like the culture within this community. Especially the way in which the AFL looks after player indescretions.” When asked if he has any particular clubs he’d like to play for Sailor predictably answered, “The West Coast Eagles of course.”