For many years, blue balls has been the scourge of men both young and old. Now, finally, there is relief in sight.

The BBPC has come up with a revolutionary treatment that they say will “cure blue balls in under three minutes”. The BBPC claim that Blue Balls is a major problem for the Australian economy, costing businesses billions each year in lost productivity.

“Our independent research puts the cost of Blue Balls to the Australian economy at between 2 and 4 billion dollars each year in lost productivity”, BBPC spokesperson Renee D’Appair told The Yowie. “By adding our revolutionary treatment to the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme, we feel confident that this lost productivity can be corrected, for a Net gain.”

The treatment, a cream that is applied for between 30 seconds and two minutes to affected member, is said to “relieve the pressure” that causes blue balls sufferers undue distress.

A government PBS spokesperson was unavailable for comment, but Yowie sources have confirmed that this treatment has “come to our attention, and is being considered”, with a decision to be handed down later in the year.

A French engineering company has proposed the construction of a nuclear power plant to transport water to drought affected western Queensland. The construction of this plant is being debated by all levels of Government and will cost the taxpayer billions of dollars. “But the money generated through crop production will be enormous,” spouted premier Beattie. “As it is the Greenbelt is turning into a dustbowl and lower exports are dragging this state into oblivion.

When asked whether nuclear power was the best option Premier Beattie responded, “As far as I’ve been lead to believe, yes. But let’s wait and see what all concerned have to say before we sign anything.”

Wise words indeed. For nuclear power stations require massive amounts of water to keep the cooling rods from melting. Without huge amounts of water the core reactors meltdown, enriched uranium explodes destroying thousands of kilometers of land for thousands of years.

The Yowie then asked Premier Beattie if taxpayers dollars might be better spent than in building a powerplant to transport water only it would use. The Premier responded, “Who are you again?”

Renowned conspiracy theorist Michael M. has named Australia as one of the foremost nations involved with social engineering programs. “We’ve a long history with such things,” he said.

Speaking nervously and looking agitated Mr M. expounded upon his theory: “Forget bombs and guns, the real invasions happen through out-breeding your competitor cultures. It may take a while, but sheer weight of numbers always wins in the end. For instance: European settlers in North America out-breeding their Red Indian counterparts and seizing control of the nation. Then Africans, originally imported into America as slaves, now occupying two of the top three offices in the country. History is littered with such examples.”

Earlier this year Imams in Sydney were quoted as saying Australia would be a Muslim nation within fifty years (Really!). The reason given for this prediction is the number of offspring proportional to each of Australia’s many cultures. Muslims have much higher birthrates than any other group.

In July the Federal government responded by introducing a Baby Bonus. “I call it the Battle of the Bedrooms,” said Michael M. “Sure it was people of all backgrounds that got the bonus, but as it stands now which background is predominant in Australia?”

Michael M. however, contends the battle is a lot grimmer and goes a lot further than this. “What was the Stolen Generation if not a misguided attempt at ethnic control and cultural assimilation? The introduction of Detention Centers for illegal immigrants serves the same purpose, if only negatively. You can even argue the forced expulsion of convicts from England was a euthenically inspired form of social cleansing. I’m not commenting on whether it’s right or wrong, I’m simply saying this is the way it is.”

However, now, according to Mr. M., things have taken a decided turn for the worse. “The Baby Bonus was a failure,” he says, pounding the table with his fist. Australians of European background are not reproducing at the same rate as other cultures regardless of the money waved at them. At this rate we are being out-bred, by everyone else and paying them to do it. Fortunately today’s government understands there’s no place for a Nazi ‘Final Solution’. Instead the government have formulated a response I like to call The Frankenstein Conspiracy.”

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A Sydney, Australia Farrari dealership has caused uproar with its latest free give away with every car: a free penis enlargement.

“I know many will see this as inappropriate”, a source from the dealership who requested anonymity told The Yowie. “But having conducted extensive research into our clientele and past customers, we discovered that a high proportion suffer from the medical condition known as Micro-penis. As such, we felt that it was best to kill two bird-pulling show stoppers with one stone enlarging offer. It seems the perfect marketing synergy to me, and I really can’t see the big deal, no pun intended.”

Farrari owner Mr Smith* said that he was excited by the offer, and would have welcomed the opportunity to increase both his feeling of (and actual) manhood. “Not everyone is Ron Jeremy, I understand that, but a little help could go a long way, no pun intended. It, the trouser tadpole if you will, was why I got the Farrari after all, so going one better and giving me a dong I could hold onto would have been great. I am actually thinking about upgrading from the 2005 model myself.”

Others have not been quite so happy, claiming that the free give away is a cynical ploy to play on the insecurities of others for profit.

Our insider at the dealership rejected such criticism, stating that “what a man decides to have lengthened, widened or otherwise changed is no else’s business but his own. And besides, the sort of chicks that dig guys with Farraris probably have fake tits anyway, so a huge fake wanger seems like no score draw to me.”

* Not his real name.

Amidst all the chest beating and teeth gnashing that is our National Health Service Doctors have once more pressed their claim for an across the board pay rise.

Doctors, it seems, have become the forgotten casualties in the Medicare health crisis. There has been no uniform wage rise for at least six months, morale is low, and worse still people are becoming involved in preventative health.

“It’s a disaster,” said Dr. Angelo of Southport. “Just as lawyers and judges need criminals, Doctors need sick people. And we’re getting less of them. I hate them,” he muttered bitterly, speaking of people embracing preventative medicine. “As far as I’m concerned these people are traitors. They should take their incense and chakra sticks and fuck off!”

But the Doctors’ crisis goes deeper than this. Sullied by the Doctor Death scandal, driven to bankruptcy by the Medicare fiasco, and ground into the most abject of poverty from rising golf membership fees Doctors have never had it worse.

“The Admin’ staff at my clinic are calling me Doctor Zoidberg! Ok, ok, I’m not eating out of dumpsters – yet – but the day’s not far off. And do we get any coverage from the Press? No! Just bleeding heart stories about little old ladies who’re circling the drain and can’t make their pension stretch to cover a coronary bypass. Boo hoo! I devoted six years of my life to becoming a doctor. How long do sick people devote to becoming sick to warrant such media attention?”

When asked what he thought the government should do to remedy this situation Dr Angelo replied, “Number one, outlaw all these hocus-pocus alternative therapies! They’re killiing us!”

“Is that because they actually work?”

Dr Angelo declined to comment further.

Ethicists debate it. People desire it. Politicians fear it. Finally a genetics research team at Sydney University has come up with a way to render stupidity painful.

“What we’ve managed to do,” says researcher Kevin Andrews, “is isolate an area in the brain responsible for, for want of a better term, commonsense.”

Such a thing was always likely. The brain has, since the early seventies, been mapped out through the use of electrodes. Areas responsible for body functions and memories have long been known to scientists. Howver, the higher order functions of personality eluded scientific investigation. This is because stimulating the area responsible for such functions yeilds no observable results.

“Now that we’ve identified this area we can tailor drugs to increas bloodflow to it. Or trigger automatic stimulii (like shitting yourself or nervous pain) when decisions are made without the input of this part of the brain. The consequences and possibilities are truly staggering!”

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‘Unseasonable cold has devastated crops!’ announced farmers in Southern Queensland today. Readers, we hope, will remember the farmers of Western Queensland issuing a similar statement with regard to the drought. In fact the same excuse was issued by farmers in North Queensland after the cyclone Larry disaster.

Michael M, world renowned conspiracy theorist, believes this is more than a happy coincidence. “It’s easy to blame the weather for every price increase,” said Mr. M. “This has been going on for the past three years.”

The conspiracy, according to Mr. M goes like this: At any particular time a farmer has some barren land. This is because of crop rotation. After intensive farming the land is fallow. It is then left so that it may replenish the nutrients lost during the previous harvest. While this land is rebuilding itself the farmer rotates his crop to other plots.

“So what we’re now seeing,” says Mr. M, “are farmers waiting for any kind of weather abnormality or extreme. When it occurs, as it invariably must, they sell a story about how their entire crop is decimated. News cameras are shown the fallow land, which they assume to be indicative of the farmer’s entire crop (which it isn’t), and the farmer then hikes the price on his real/ hidden crop blaming it all on the extreme weather.”

There is no doubt farmers up and down the eastern sea board have been regularly complaining about weather abnormalities for the last four or five years. “What happened before then?” asks Mr. M, “Extremes of weather have always been with us, it’s the nature of an unstable system. Put simply, every farmer since the beginning of time has had to fight random and inclement natural factors, more often than not these factors have been very extreme. However, it is only in the last three years that such factors have been used to defraud the public and enable the avaricious few to profit from our gullibility.”