Where do ghostwriters go when they die? If they were ghosts in real life what do they become when they die? And what, exactly, is the status of a living ghost? Theological groups around the world are meeting in Helsinki this week to thrash out these thorny issues.

The problem started earlier last month with the passing of an unnamed ghostwriter in the United States. Despite clear instructions in his will the Catholic Church refused to grant him an orthodox burial and ceremony. Ghosts, of any persuasion, are, by Papal decree, ‘restless souls without the comfort of God.’ Catholic Ambassador to the Ghost summit, in Helsinki, drew the conclusion: “They are therefore anathema (cursed of God) and beyond the sanctuary of the Church. This law was, however, coined in 1611, around the time of the Conquistadors. At that time there were no ghostwriters, so we perhaps need to revisit the specifics of this issue. Hoever, a Papal decree is a Papal decree and the law will remian in place until the current Pope overrules it.”

Whatever the outcome the Yowie just hopes the name on the tombstone is spelt correctly.

So much depends upon,

Paris, Hilton Sex Video Ad

A small grey comma.

Shaded #333333,
In A Sex Video Ad.

A strange homage to William Carlos Williams in a vain attempt to raise the intellectual standards of a poorly proof read blog? No.

Rather, it is a lame segueway pointing to the heart of an ACCC investigation into false advertising by the adult video distribution company, Mature Film Corp pty ltd.

The ACCC today is investigating claims the Sex video was sold using advertising intended to “mislead and confuse consumers”.

The case revolves around what an ACCC spokesperson calls “the worst comma (they) have ever seen”.

“Have you seen the ad?” The ACCC spokesperson, who refused to be named, told The Yowie. “Just look at the full-sized copy of the image, and tell me if you can see a comma between Paris and Hilton. You practically need a microscope.”

As the image below shows, the comma is indeed difficult to spot. Blown up 100 times normal size, even at this resolution the comma is hard to see.

“By strategically using a shade of grey that is extremely difficult to detect on a black background”, The ACCC said. “The intention we contend was to mislead consumers into believeing teh video featured the reality TV Celebrity rich girl, and noted Pratt Pack member Paris Hilton.”

The ad, which ran in Australian Celebrity Obsessive, claimed to have the “best quality video available” of the infamous Paris Hilton sex video, renowned for its poor, grainy qualities.. However, when unsuspecting purchasers received the video in the mail, instead of the twenty something Heiress to the Hilton fortune in teh wild thorws of passion, purchasers were subjected to a 30 minuite video of 48 year old brickies labourer Max Smithson and his wife Enid making the “beast with two backs” in the Hilton in Paris.

And that wasn’t the end of the complaints. Many purchasers claimed that it wasn’t just the misdirection that was so appalling, but rather the state of the two lead protagonists bodies and general appearance, both of whom were described by one traumatised viewer as “the Godzilla side of repulsive”. This particular traumatised purchaser, who refused to be named, is also suing for damages, claiming that his enjoyment of porn had been “permanently and irrevocably damaged” by watching the video. His collection of over 10,000 videos, and his extensive online subscriptions, have been “rendedered obsolete, and now I no longer have a hobby”.

“Used to be”, he told The Yoiwe. “That I could watch porn for hours and not think about the emptiness of my pety existence. Now, all I ever see when I watch a video is those two appalling people doing unspeakable things.”

The company in concern, which is actually owned by the husband and wife team featured in the video, claims no wrong doing.

“The website we mention in the ad clearly indicates that Mature Films Corp only sells videos of myself and Enid get nasty in various idyllic locations around the world”, Mr Smithson told The Yowie. He claimed that the Paris, Hilton edition was a long time favourite of his “small, but loyal” clientele, “right up there with the Best Western Blue Diamond Motor Inn Dubbo edition”, which was shot on the couples 25th wedding anniversary. Mr Smithson claims that he only advertised the video after receiving nothing but “glowing praise” for the quality and artistry of the Paris, Hilton edition.

“We deny absolutely any wrong doing in this matter, and state categorically that any misleading was purely accidental. Enid and I plan to fight this to the bitter end. When for our right as mature, consenting adults to film our nocturnal horizontal dancing and sell it to anyone who’ll take it is taken away by callous bureaucrats, well, I wonder what the diggers who died in World War II would think. If you ask me, and not that anyone did mind, but if you ask me, when this sort of thing starts happenning, I reckon the terrorist have already won.”

The case is ongoing, with a ruling expected by the end of the November.

Il Tointo Golf Course has sued the Vatican for the theft of one of its buggies. “It wasa fifteena years agoa when the buggy wenta gone,” said Club Manager Luigi Ambrezziano. “Thena fewa daysa later Popa John Paula hea driven in thisa thing he calla the Popamobila. I knew it straighta waya. Thata mya golf buggy!”

John Paul II was known to sneak onto Il Tointo for a few holes before matins. “Because hea Popa wea look the othera way,” said Mr. Ambrezziano. “Why he noa join the club? That’s whatta I no understanda.”

The Vatican have denied any wrongdoing. “The Popemobile was purchased for John Paul the Second when he became to frail to walk,” a Vatican spokesman told the Yowie. “Plus after the assassination of the first John Paul it was decided the Holy Father needed greater protection.”

Biting back the question, ‘Greater protection than God?’ the Yowie asked after the Popemobile’s makers. Why Ferrari of course,” responded the spokesman. “Even though the Pope trundles around in it the Popemobile can hit speeds of 240 kilometers per hour!”

“The Holy Father is currently upgrading his old Popemobile with Ferrari,” said the Vatican spokesman. “We have paper work for each purchase and will put this preposterous accusation to bed.” Asked why the current Pope has decided to upgrade his model with Ferrari the spokesman replied, “Haven’t you heard their latest offer?”

In response to the persistent and alarming problem of child sex scandals rocking the Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI has issued a bull requiring the mandatory castration of all existing and future priests.

“I don’t understand their concern,” said Cardinal Sin, a Vatican spokesman. “Part of becoming ordained is the taking of a vow of celibacy. And that vow is for life! It’s now time for these people to put their money where their mouths are.”

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Fast food chain McDonalds this week announced the formation of its military wing. “Like Sinn Fein, Hezbolla, and other oppressed organisations,” says Mac Attack spokesman Donald Arches, “we have found ourselves in the position of struggling for our lives and values.”

The group is responding on behalf of McDonalds against the persistent and often defamatory press aimed at the fast food industry over the previous several years. “Things are getting out of hand,” Mr. Arches continues. “And now, with the findings of Sun State University in California, we have our political objectives.”

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Right wing Christian Conservative group, The Second no-sexual-innuendo-attached Re-Arrival Of Christ Tribunal has called for an increase in the use of Abstinence as a teaching tool.

“Traditionally, abstinence has only been used to teach classes on controversial topics like ‘mummy and daddy’s special cuddle when, and only when, they love each other very much and have proclaimed as much before our Lord, the son of God, Jesus Christ’, and illicit, illegal and immoral drug use”, committee spokesperson Roger Whitman told the Yowie. “Clearly, abstinence teaching works, and is the only sane choice. That is why we are calling for an extension of abstinence training, to encompass a whole range of topics, from maths to English and especially science.

“‘Just say no to Maths‘, ‘Evolution? No Way!‘ and ‘Reading Is For Degenerates (unless It’s The Bible)‘ are all campaigns that we support whole heartedly.”

The group claims that by extending abstinence training into areas where traditionally learning something about the topic is the point, the world can be made more harmonious, with a lot of the differences that separate us going away.

“All this angst, all this clawing, fighting scratching and ‘learning’ just to eek out a future that won’t last half as long as the Eternity God offers. Why? Why bother? Why do we need to know stuff when it just causes pain and suffering, and God asks so little and promises an eternity? If none of us knows nofink, none of us is any better, and we can all be just as bestest as each other and, therefore, logically, better off. Our group calls this ‘Parity Through Ignorance™‘.”

Educational groups have hit out at the ridiculousness of the proposal, with spokeswoman Sarah Johnson claiming that “…abstinence is not a good way to teach about anything… except sex… oh, and possibly drugs, and maybe underage drinking, because everyone knows that until 1 millisecond past midnight on the arbitrary day 18 years after they were born, kids shouldn’t drink. And possibly anything controversial, like any research that doesn’t support equality, fairness and being good to each other.

“But apart from that”, Sarah went on to claim. “Apart from that, the whole concept that anyone can be considered “educated” in a topic if they never actually learn anything about the topic, well, that is just non-sensical… unless, again, it is about sex, and probably drugs. Sex Education that teaches you how to do anything practical, no way! I mean, kids should learn the way we did, learning absolutely nothing about the topic in a formalised sense and instead engaging in a post High School, alcohol fuelled, ultimately unsatisfying ‘cram sessions’ with equally inept fellow graduates who think foreplay starts with a plan to go out. that, honestly, is the only sensible sexual learning tool.

“I mean, heck, it isn’t like sex is hard.. not unless it’s done right boom-tish. Sorry, little ‘inside’ gag there. Like i was saying, sex ain’t real hard. There aren’t 6 billion of us because sex is difficult. Insert, repeat if required. Derr! A 15 year old could manage that. Not that they should. Stay celibate kids, and don’t do drugs!”

“And should they also stay in school?”, The Yowie asked.

“Sure, why not.”

Australian military expert, Miles Hickey, today called on the Federal Government to expand the temrs of reference guiding military thinking about terrorism. “You see,” explained Mr. Hickey, “The UN has not agreed, even informally, as to what constitutes terrorism. ‘Terrorism’, as the word is used now, can be used to cover almost anything you don’t like and could possibly do you harm. There doesn’t need to be a clearly defined enemy. There doesn’t need to be a clearly defined instance. There doesn’t even need to be a clearly defined threat!”

“The word ‘terrorism’” Mr. Hickey continued, “is a porridge word so inclusive as to be almost meaningless. However, I am a realist. Despite the lack of a formally ratified explanation of what terrorism is, terrorism does exist. Anybody who says otherwise is a fool. The point I am trying to impress upon the Federal Government is that our brave troops should be prepared against all kinds of terrorism.”

“At its most basic level terrorism is anything that makes you terrified. So I think it’s only prudent to give our troops garlic with which to ward off vampires and silver bullets with which to kill werewolves. These creatures have terrified humanity for centuries. The only reason, as far as I can see, why the War on Terror hasn’t been expanded to include these insurgent groups (that rise up against rightful authority) is because of supply problems.”

“Vampires and werewolves, like terrorist cells, are elusive, secretive, and bloodthirsty. They exist only to further their own ends and prey upon humanity - not only physically, but also by instilling terror into the public psyche at large. Under every current definition these formidable enemies of humanity count as terrorists. The Australian Government is remiss in ignoring the threat they pose.”

As the Yowie went to press Mr. Howard was considering tax rebates for garlic growers and the silver mining industry.