Aboriginal Elders, representing the wider Indigenous community, today declared their victory against the invading whitemen. In a startling development, a spokesman for the elders announced the curse of five wirrunen, Aboriginal sorcerors, invocated in 1906 to have finally accomplished its task.

In east central Australia sometime in 1906 a collection of wirrunen formed what historians came to call the Molonga cult. This cult was formed to fight the invading Europeans by calling upon the Great Mother from the Water (Ka’inini). After five nights of chanting and corroboree Ka’inini was invoked to swallow the whites and send them to the Dreamtime. According to the Aboriginal spokesman this has now been accomplished.

When asked to explain the Spokesman pointed out how the lives of Australians are vacuous, illdirected, and meaningless. “Your bodies exist in this land but your minds are trapped in the Dreamtime. We have won!

In a bizzare twist to the North Korean nuclear stand-off CIA officials are questioning a New York barber whom they believe acted as a middle-man between Kim Jong Il and his American financial backer. “Until now,” said a CIA source close to the investigation, “there has only been a prima facie link between the backer and President Kim. However, now we have the barber we believe we may be able to lay charges.

Yowie political correspondent Grimsahw Yank asked if the CIA were prepared to further explain their investigation and name the suspected financier.

“The investigation was simply putting two and two together,” replied the source. Only a few men in the world are capable of giving a haircut as bad as the one worn by President Kim. We simply put out our feelers for this man and then looked down his client list.”

“Any names stand out?” asked our faithful Yowie reporter.
“Isn’t it obvious? Who has the money, the connections, and enough bad taste to have a hairstyle similar to that?
“Elvis?”
“Donald Trump!”
“So you’ve got the big wigs then?”
“Are you being funny?
”

Controversial conspiracy theorist Michael M- has demanded Foreign Minister Alexander Downer take a gene test to prove he’s human. “Why can’t anybody see this!” exclaimed Mr. M-, “He’s the FOREIGN Minister because he’s foreign! Look at him! He’s either the Incredible Melting Man or he’s not from this planet!

The post of Foreign Minister is nothing more than an ambassadorial role for our otherworldly overlords. It’s not like Downer DOES anything, is it?”

When pressed for details Mr. M- explained his theory further. “The post of Foreign Minister has always been held by an extraterrestrial. They’re simply envoys to this world making sure we don’t do anything smart. We’re a world of slaves! Like being in the Matrix! Now I don’t know if we’re being used, controlled, or merely watched. But the surruptious way in which Downer conceals his true nature from us, to me, points to the more macabre of these options.”

“That’s why I’ve gone public. If Downer doesn’t take a genes test then he’s got something to hide. If I go missing tomorrow the world will know something’s afoot. This is massive! If I’m wrong I’ll shut up and go away. But I think Australia and the world needs to know the truth.”

The interview with Mr. M- was cut short as he was wrestled into an ambulance by several burly orderlies.

After resigning the post of Attorney-General Linda Lavarch has decided to tackle her depression head-on. She has begun conselling sessions with emminent psychologists and embraced life after politics with gusto. Ms Lavarch recently resigned her post because of a recurring depressive disorder.

Much speculation was aroused in the timing of Ms Lavarch’s announcement. As Attorney-General Ms. Lavarch had recently blocked an agreement between Australian and U.S. governments to extradite rogue surgeon Jayant Patel. Upon the acceptance of her resignation Ms Lavarch was unable to further explain her reasons for opposition, nor expand further upon the mystery surrounding the Government’s involvement in Dr. Patel’s flight.

The Yowie has uncovered that Ms. Lavarch will be attending Managing Depression Workshops in Rockhampton with other victims of Dr. Patel. “I think it would be good to get them all together,” said her psychologist. “They are all victims of this madman and can only help each other.”

A French engineering company has proposed the construction of a nuclear power plant to transport water to drought affected western Queensland. The construction of this plant is being debated by all levels of Government and will cost the taxpayer billions of dollars. “But the money generated through crop production will be enormous,” spouted premier Beattie. “As it is the Greenbelt is turning into a dustbowl and lower exports are dragging this state into oblivion.

When asked whether nuclear power was the best option Premier Beattie responded, “As far as I’ve been lead to believe, yes. But let’s wait and see what all concerned have to say before we sign anything.”

Wise words indeed. For nuclear power stations require massive amounts of water to keep the cooling rods from melting. Without huge amounts of water the core reactors meltdown, enriched uranium explodes destroying thousands of kilometers of land for thousands of years.

The Yowie then asked Premier Beattie if taxpayers dollars might be better spent than in building a powerplant to transport water only it would use. The Premier responded, “Who are you again?”

Federal Minister for Agriculture Ian McFarlane announced today that farmers were “worrying needlessly” about the drought. “We’ll be okay,” he said, while addressing a rural community in the Darling Downs. “I expect money to come from Asia any day now.”

When asked how he could be so optimistic about handouts from Asia Mr McFarlane responded, “Well we (the Australian Government) gave the affected Asian countries a little over a billion dollars after the tsunami disaster. Surely any day now they’ll give us a few million to build water lines to the interior. Hell, after what we did they should come over here and build the pipeline for us! After all,” he smiled, “that’s the way these things work.”

Renowned conspiracy theorist Michael M. has named Australia as one of the foremost nations involved with social engineering programs. “We’ve a long history with such things,” he said.

Speaking nervously and looking agitated Mr M. expounded upon his theory: “Forget bombs and guns, the real invasions happen through out-breeding your competitor cultures. It may take a while, but sheer weight of numbers always wins in the end. For instance: European settlers in North America out-breeding their Red Indian counterparts and seizing control of the nation. Then Africans, originally imported into America as slaves, now occupying two of the top three offices in the country. History is littered with such examples.”

Earlier this year Imams in Sydney were quoted as saying Australia would be a Muslim nation within fifty years (Really!). The reason given for this prediction is the number of offspring proportional to each of Australia’s many cultures. Muslims have much higher birthrates than any other group.

In July the Federal government responded by introducing a Baby Bonus. “I call it the Battle of the Bedrooms,” said Michael M. “Sure it was people of all backgrounds that got the bonus, but as it stands now which background is predominant in Australia?”

Michael M. however, contends the battle is a lot grimmer and goes a lot further than this. “What was the Stolen Generation if not a misguided attempt at ethnic control and cultural assimilation? The introduction of Detention Centers for illegal immigrants serves the same purpose, if only negatively. You can even argue the forced expulsion of convicts from England was a euthenically inspired form of social cleansing. I’m not commenting on whether it’s right or wrong, I’m simply saying this is the way it is.”

However, now, according to Mr. M., things have taken a decided turn for the worse. “The Baby Bonus was a failure,” he says, pounding the table with his fist. Australians of European background are not reproducing at the same rate as other cultures regardless of the money waved at them. At this rate we are being out-bred, by everyone else and paying them to do it. Fortunately today’s government understands there’s no place for a Nazi ‘Final Solution’. Instead the government have formulated a response I like to call The Frankenstein Conspiracy.”

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