If ever there was an album that has all the hallmarks of a wanky, aweful, overwrought, terribly pretentious piece of crap, this be that album.

Sufjan Stevens set himself the task of writing one album for each of the 50 states of the United States of America. In this installment, Sufjan pays homage to Illinois, home of Chicago and, well, research is what Wikipedia is for. Go use it

No one can say with a straight face, not even Sufjan, that that all 50 albums are ever likely to happen. Nor, I would venture, would many people think this was anything but a wanky idea by a pretentious tosser likely to be about as musically valid as most every non-Sargeant Peppers concept album ever released. And it gets worse, as the song titles are amonsgt the longest ever (see song two below), and are often longer than the song they describe.

All of this seems to indicate taht the Gods have aligned all the cards to make this one of the worst releases ever. And yet somehow, God knows how, but somehow, the complete opposite is true, and this is one of my favourite albums of all time.

Sufjan somehow manages to make the external settings play out as an inner dialogue of self questioning in a way that is just so real. Sufjan manages to take places, the river Decatur, and turn it into a stirring, personal song about stepmothers and children; take a serial killing child molesterer like John Wayne Gacy and turn it into a story about the secrets we all hide.

Look, my inner cynic wants to hate this album, with every pretentious hatin’ bone in my body. It wants to not only hate but . But this album is just too good. My God, is it good. It is abso-fucking-lutely awesome, jaw droppingly, hairs standing up good. Highlight after highlight after highlight that just grows with every listen.

This is one album you just have to buy.

Track listings

1. Concerning The UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois
2. The Black Hawk War, Or, How To Demolish An Entire Civilization And Still Feel Good About Yourself In The Morning, Or, We Apologize For The Inconvenience But You’re Gonna Have To Leave Now, Or, ‘I Have Fought The Big Knives And Will Continue To Fight…
3. Come On! Feel The Illinoise!: Part I: The World’s Columbian Exposition/Part II: Carl Sandburg Visits Me In A Dream
4. John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
5. Jacksonville
6. A Short Reprise For Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But For Very Good Reasons
7. Decatur, Or, Round Of Applause For Your Stepmother!
8. One Last ‘Whoo-Hoo!’ For The Pullman
9. Chicago
10. Casimir Pulaski Day
11. To The Workers Of The Rock River Valley Region, I Have An Idea Concerning Your Predicament
12. The Man Of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts
13. Prairie Fire That Wanders About
14. A Conjunction Of Drones Simulating The Way In Which Sufjan Stevens Has An Existential Crisis In The Great Godfrey Maze
15. The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us!
16. They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhh!
17. Let’s Hear That String Part Again, Because I Don’t Think They Heard It All The Way Out In Bushnell
18. In This Temple As In The Hearts Of Man For Whom He Saved The Earth
19. The Seer’s Tower
20. The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders: Part I: The Great Frontier/Part II: Come To Me Only With Playthings Now

Aboriginal Elders, representing the wider Indigenous community, today declared their victory against the invading whitemen. In a startling development, a spokesman for the elders announced the curse of five wirrunen, Aboriginal sorcerors, invocated in 1906 to have finally accomplished its task.

In east central Australia sometime in 1906 a collection of wirrunen formed what historians came to call the Molonga cult. This cult was formed to fight the invading Europeans by calling upon the Great Mother from the Water (Ka’inini). After five nights of chanting and corroboree Ka’inini was invoked to swallow the whites and send them to the Dreamtime. According to the Aboriginal spokesman this has now been accomplished.

When asked to explain the Spokesman pointed out how the lives of Australians are vacuous, illdirected, and meaningless. “Your bodies exist in this land but your minds are trapped in the Dreamtime. We have won!

Man Penised Chiron

It isn’t easy being half man, half horse and getting your genitalia from your father’s side. Whilst all my mates are wondering around the country side packing a member that they could use to beat small mammals to death with, I instead wander around with this tiny man dick.

And before all you humans tell me “it isn’t all that bad”, have you ever tried to mount a female centaur? I don’t get within a foot of getting it in, and that is if the female even gives me half a look in, which given my plight, many simply won’t do.

And at least humans can reach their privates, no matter how small they are. Have you ever seen centaur arms? I can’t even scratch my belly, let alone offer myself any sort of hand relief.

And the taunts and the teasing! My god, who ever knew other centaurs could be so cruel? “Chiron not on” is one name I get called. “Can’t-get-on” another. And if I hear one more horse phallused centaur say to me “isn’t that your jockey’s?” I will absolutely scream.

What’s more, it isn’t like they make penis pills for Centaurs, and the one Doctor I approached about a transplant from a real horse refused to work with me. I tell ya, it is enough to make a centaur as mad as heck.

That is probably why I try so hard to excel. I am always in the gym working out, and no one can run 5 furlongs like I can. And the fighting! Many a centaur has rued the day he chose to call me “man dick”. I may not pack much in the lovin’ department, but I sure do pack a mean kick when provoked.

I only hope that one day I can find a nice female to settle down with, one that can see past my tiny member, and see the real, living, breathing, feeling Centaur underneath.

Where do ghostwriters go when they die? If they were ghosts in real life what do they become when they die? And what, exactly, is the status of a living ghost? Theological groups around the world are meeting in Helsinki this week to thrash out these thorny issues.

The problem started earlier last month with the passing of an unnamed ghostwriter in the United States. Despite clear instructions in his will the Catholic Church refused to grant him an orthodox burial and ceremony. Ghosts, of any persuasion, are, by Papal decree, ‘restless souls without the comfort of God.’ Catholic Ambassador to the Ghost summit, in Helsinki, drew the conclusion: “They are therefore anathema (cursed of God) and beyond the sanctuary of the Church. This law was, however, coined in 1611, around the time of the Conquistadors. At that time there were no ghostwriters, so we perhaps need to revisit the specifics of this issue. Hoever, a Papal decree is a Papal decree and the law will remian in place until the current Pope overrules it.”

Whatever the outcome the Yowie just hopes the name on the tombstone is spelt correctly.

So much depends upon,

Paris, Hilton Sex Video Ad

A small grey comma.

Shaded #333333,
In A Sex Video Ad.

A strange homage to William Carlos Williams in a vain attempt to raise the intellectual standards of a poorly proof read blog? No.

Rather, it is a lame segueway pointing to the heart of an ACCC investigation into false advertising by the adult video distribution company, Mature Film Corp pty ltd.

The ACCC today is investigating claims the Sex video was sold using advertising intended to “mislead and confuse consumers”.

The case revolves around what an ACCC spokesperson calls “the worst comma (they) have ever seen”.

“Have you seen the ad?” The ACCC spokesperson, who refused to be named, told The Yowie. “Just look at the full-sized copy of the image, and tell me if you can see a comma between Paris and Hilton. You practically need a microscope.”

As the image below shows, the comma is indeed difficult to spot. Blown up 100 times normal size, even at this resolution the comma is hard to see.

“By strategically using a shade of grey that is extremely difficult to detect on a black background”, The ACCC said. “The intention we contend was to mislead consumers into believeing teh video featured the reality TV Celebrity rich girl, and noted Pratt Pack member Paris Hilton.”

The ad, which ran in Australian Celebrity Obsessive, claimed to have the “best quality video available” of the infamous Paris Hilton sex video, renowned for its poor, grainy qualities.. However, when unsuspecting purchasers received the video in the mail, instead of the twenty something Heiress to the Hilton fortune in teh wild thorws of passion, purchasers were subjected to a 30 minuite video of 48 year old brickies labourer Max Smithson and his wife Enid making the “beast with two backs” in the Hilton in Paris.

And that wasn’t the end of the complaints. Many purchasers claimed that it wasn’t just the misdirection that was so appalling, but rather the state of the two lead protagonists bodies and general appearance, both of whom were described by one traumatised viewer as “the Godzilla side of repulsive”. This particular traumatised purchaser, who refused to be named, is also suing for damages, claiming that his enjoyment of porn had been “permanently and irrevocably damaged” by watching the video. His collection of over 10,000 videos, and his extensive online subscriptions, have been “rendedered obsolete, and now I no longer have a hobby”.

“Used to be”, he told The Yoiwe. “That I could watch porn for hours and not think about the emptiness of my pety existence. Now, all I ever see when I watch a video is those two appalling people doing unspeakable things.”

The company in concern, which is actually owned by the husband and wife team featured in the video, claims no wrong doing.

“The website we mention in the ad clearly indicates that Mature Films Corp only sells videos of myself and Enid get nasty in various idyllic locations around the world”, Mr Smithson told The Yowie. He claimed that the Paris, Hilton edition was a long time favourite of his “small, but loyal” clientele, “right up there with the Best Western Blue Diamond Motor Inn Dubbo edition”, which was shot on the couples 25th wedding anniversary. Mr Smithson claims that he only advertised the video after receiving nothing but “glowing praise” for the quality and artistry of the Paris, Hilton edition.

“We deny absolutely any wrong doing in this matter, and state categorically that any misleading was purely accidental. Enid and I plan to fight this to the bitter end. When for our right as mature, consenting adults to film our nocturnal horizontal dancing and sell it to anyone who’ll take it is taken away by callous bureaucrats, well, I wonder what the diggers who died in World War II would think. If you ask me, and not that anyone did mind, but if you ask me, when this sort of thing starts happenning, I reckon the terrorist have already won.”

The case is ongoing, with a ruling expected by the end of the November.

In a bizzare twist to the North Korean nuclear stand-off CIA officials are questioning a New York barber whom they believe acted as a middle-man between Kim Jong Il and his American financial backer. “Until now,” said a CIA source close to the investigation, “there has only been a prima facie link between the backer and President Kim. However, now we have the barber we believe we may be able to lay charges.

Yowie political correspondent Grimsahw Yank asked if the CIA were prepared to further explain their investigation and name the suspected financier.

“The investigation was simply putting two and two together,” replied the source. Only a few men in the world are capable of giving a haircut as bad as the one worn by President Kim. We simply put out our feelers for this man and then looked down his client list.”

“Any names stand out?” asked our faithful Yowie reporter.
“Isn’t it obvious? Who has the money, the connections, and enough bad taste to have a hairstyle similar to that?
“Elvis?”
“Donald Trump!”
“So you’ve got the big wigs then?”
“Are you being funny?
”

The cricketing world has been rocked by a drugs scandal within the Pakistani team. Two players, Muhammad Astif and Shoaib Akhtar, have returned positive drugs’ tests and are now awaiting disciplinary hearings.
Akhtar had previously claimed he’d eaten an off curry before giving the urine sample. “Curry’s do funny things to you! I once ate a curry that gummed me up so bad my ears were as big as an elephant’s!” he explained to the ICB.

For years rumours have circulated about match fixing, ball tampering, and binge drinking within the cricketing fraternity. But never have there been allegations of performance enhancing drugs.

What drug on earth can make one a better cricketer?

In a Yowie world exclusive Shoaib Akhtar explained. “Listen here, a game of cricket takes a long, long time. And it’s bloody boring for most of it. Goodness-gracious, when you’re posted in the out-field, with nothing to do, you sometimes wish you’d brought a book. Anyway Muhammad and I started taking No-Doze tablets. Golly-gosh, way out there the spectators are giving us beers. It’s a wonder we can stand up, let alone stay awake.”

When asked about the prevelance of drugs in cricket, Akhtar responded, “For most games it’s a waste of time even showing up! All you need are a bowler, a batter and a wicket keeper. Even the umpires have prosthetic braces in their trouser legs so they can sleep standing up! And did you ever consider the Test cricket in the bad old days? When a game could go for a month and end in a draw! How could anyone stay awake through that!? English sides were off their trolleys the entire time. I think it’s most unfair Muhummad and I have been singled out.”