Man Penised Chiron

It isn’t easy being half man, half horse and getting your genitalia from your father’s side. Whilst all my mates are wondering around the country side packing a member that they could use to beat small mammals to death with, I instead wander around with this tiny man dick.

And before all you humans tell me “it isn’t all that bad”, have you ever tried to mount a female centaur? I don’t get within a foot of getting it in, and that is if the female even gives me half a look in, which given my plight, many simply won’t do.

And at least humans can reach their privates, no matter how small they are. Have you ever seen centaur arms? I can’t even scratch my belly, let alone offer myself any sort of hand relief.

And the taunts and the teasing! My god, who ever knew other centaurs could be so cruel? “Chiron not on” is one name I get called. “Can’t-get-on” another. And if I hear one more horse phallused centaur say to me “isn’t that your jockey’s?” I will absolutely scream.

What’s more, it isn’t like they make penis pills for Centaurs, and the one Doctor I approached about a transplant from a real horse refused to work with me. I tell ya, it is enough to make a centaur as mad as heck.

That is probably why I try so hard to excel. I am always in the gym working out, and no one can run 5 furlongs like I can. And the fighting! Many a centaur has rued the day he chose to call me “man dick”. I may not pack much in the lovin’ department, but I sure do pack a mean kick when provoked.

I only hope that one day I can find a nice female to settle down with, one that can see past my tiny member, and see the real, living, breathing, feeling Centaur underneath.

For many years, blue balls has been the scourge of men both young and old. Now, finally, there is relief in sight.

The BBPC has come up with a revolutionary treatment that they say will “cure blue balls in under three minutes”. The BBPC claim that Blue Balls is a major problem for the Australian economy, costing businesses billions each year in lost productivity.

“Our independent research puts the cost of Blue Balls to the Australian economy at between 2 and 4 billion dollars each year in lost productivity”, BBPC spokesperson Renee D’Appair told The Yowie. “By adding our revolutionary treatment to the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme, we feel confident that this lost productivity can be corrected, for a Net gain.”

The treatment, a cream that is applied for between 30 seconds and two minutes to affected member, is said to “relieve the pressure” that causes blue balls sufferers undue distress.

A government PBS spokesperson was unavailable for comment, but Yowie sources have confirmed that this treatment has “come to our attention, and is being considered”, with a decision to be handed down later in the year.

Gynecologist, Fish Monger Swap War Stories

Darren McCarthy and Dr Nigel Henderson, both of whom are friends of Sarah McTavish, traded war stories last weekend at a dinner party, in what guests described as “perhaps the funniest exchange ever”.

Party guest Emmanuel Sampson said that the exchange, which feature the phrase “beyond fishy” over a dozen times was “hilarious in the extreme. I am not sure who won, but for the gross factor, i would give it to the doctor by a nose.”

Doctor Told Surfer Feeling “Fully Sick”

Dr Cameron Dalambert was told on friday that his patient Stephen “Stevo” Jones was “feeling, like, fully sick, Doc”.

Dr Dalambert denied the claim, stating that the claimed was, if anything, a gross exaggeration , and that Mr Jones was at best “marginally ill”. he further claimed that there was unequivocally nothing “gnarly” or “radical” about the phlegm that Mr Jones produced, despite protests to the contrary.

“Sure”, Dr Dalambert said. “The phlegm was slightly green, but I would hardly define that as ‘fully sick’”,

Suicide Australia this week announced a 40% decline in the suicides of young Australian men over the past decade. Despite the drop, however, this statistic is still alarming.

The Yowie, however, questioned the need for Suicide Australia in the first place. “Can we agree a democratically elected government has two objectives? The first as visualising a style of life agreeable to its constituents. The second being the implementing of policies to attain it. If we can agree on this then the very existence of a government body such as Suicide Australia must be an admission of defeat from the outset!?”

S. A. responded. “No one expects a government to create a utopia for every one of its citizens. It might be harsh, but the cold facts of life boil down to the greatest good for the greatest number. Suicide Australia is the government’s way of minimising the harm attendant upon those who fall outside this margin.”

“But other professions have a zero failure policy,” returned the Yowie. “Imagine booking with an airline that advertised it’s 90% air saftey record. Or listening to Energy Australia predicting ONLY three days of blackouts for the next financial year. We all recognise this is not a perfect world, however MOST essential services aim for zero failure.”

“Yes, well I’m sure the government also aims for zero failure.”

“But you just said the government aims at the greatest good for the greatest number! That necessarily implies the government acknowledging its impending failing of some ctizens.”

“Perhaps you should take this up with the Federal Liberal party? I can only speak for Suicide Australia. And besides … what do you want? A society that neglects its margins?”

“No. I want a society without margins. And why is there such a high staff turnover in your branch?”

Amidst all the chest beating and teeth gnashing that is our National Health Service Doctors have once more pressed their claim for an across the board pay rise.

Doctors, it seems, have become the forgotten casualties in the Medicare health crisis. There has been no uniform wage rise for at least six months, morale is low, and worse still people are becoming involved in preventative health.

“It’s a disaster,” said Dr. Angelo of Southport. “Just as lawyers and judges need criminals, Doctors need sick people. And we’re getting less of them. I hate them,” he muttered bitterly, speaking of people embracing preventative medicine. “As far as I’m concerned these people are traitors. They should take their incense and chakra sticks and fuck off!”

But the Doctors’ crisis goes deeper than this. Sullied by the Doctor Death scandal, driven to bankruptcy by the Medicare fiasco, and ground into the most abject of poverty from rising golf membership fees Doctors have never had it worse.

“The Admin’ staff at my clinic are calling me Doctor Zoidberg! Ok, ok, I’m not eating out of dumpsters – yet – but the day’s not far off. And do we get any coverage from the Press? No! Just bleeding heart stories about little old ladies who’re circling the drain and can’t make their pension stretch to cover a coronary bypass. Boo hoo! I devoted six years of my life to becoming a doctor. How long do sick people devote to becoming sick to warrant such media attention?”

When asked what he thought the government should do to remedy this situation Dr Angelo replied, “Number one, outlaw all these hocus-pocus alternative therapies! They’re killiing us!”

“Is that because they actually work?”

Dr Angelo declined to comment further.

Ethicists debate it. People desire it. Politicians fear it. Finally a genetics research team at Sydney University has come up with a way to render stupidity painful.

“What we’ve managed to do,” says researcher Kevin Andrews, “is isolate an area in the brain responsible for, for want of a better term, commonsense.”

Such a thing was always likely. The brain has, since the early seventies, been mapped out through the use of electrodes. Areas responsible for body functions and memories have long been known to scientists. Howver, the higher order functions of personality eluded scientific investigation. This is because stimulating the area responsible for such functions yeilds no observable results.

“Now that we’ve identified this area we can tailor drugs to increas bloodflow to it. Or trigger automatic stimulii (like shitting yourself or nervous pain) when decisions are made without the input of this part of the brain. The consequences and possibilities are truly staggering!”

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A number of Australian men have bought a class against Tampon maker Carefree. The class action alleges Carefree has deliberately and maliciously engaged in false and misleading advertising leaving Australian Men with a warped understanding of the female menstral cycle. This inturn predisposes them to dangers of psychological, emotional, and, on occasion, even physical damage.

“My God, are those ads misleading or what?” Group leader Sheridan Levi-Jones told The Yowie. “I mean seriously, the chicks on those ads seem to greet their period with a thrilled sense of wonderment and excitement. It’s as if it is the greatest time of the month. They are all frolicking in the ocean, matching the tampon with their shoe color, happy, cheerful, and carefree.”

This, Mr Levi-Jones claims, is as far from the truth as one can get. It is a “text book case” of false and misleading advertising.

“Seriously, frolicking at the beach? Are these people for real? Where are the random, explosive changes of emotion? The tears? The sudden, inexplicable changes of tact? Where are these things? Not in any bloody Carefree ad I have ever seen!”

The suit claims this has caused many young men to disrespect a woman’s ‘time of the month’. Iin extreme cases to treat it with a disdain. This can, and has, led to life impacting relationship troubles.

“Many young men, on moving in with their first female companion, simply don’t understand the immense horrror that is: ‘that time of the month’. This leads them to inadvertently make rookie mistakes, like suggesting a trip to the very same beach at which the ad models frolick.”

The fault, Mr Levi-Jones claims, lies squarely with tampon and pad manufacturers. Especially Carefree! “If your sole source of information on menstruation was a carefree ad you would be seriously warped,”Mr. Levi-Jones tells the Yowie.

Even the Company’s name, he contends, is misleading. “Carefree? Carfree my arse! They should change their name to something more realistic like Emotionallyvolitile, Pronetotears or Apporachwithcaution.”

The case is set to go before the courts early February.