Computer hardware companies in England, the U.S., and Australia are banding together to pressure their respective governments to introduce a new letter to the English language.

This new letter will look like the capital letter ‘T’ only rotated 90 degrees clockwise and it will symbolise the sound of someone blowing a rasberry!

When asked why the language needed this addition Lance Lumley of the conglomerate organisations answered, “The inclusion of this letter will make all previous computer consoles obsolete. This is purely a marketing strategy!” As many of the reporters grumbled at the ethics of such a maneuver Lumley replied, “Oh come on! Software manufacturers have been doing stuff like this for years!”

A Monash University think tank has uncovered ‘irrefutable proof’ that 40% of all research is not worth the paper it is written on. This startling find has the academic world in a spin and already has scientists questioning Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (Hitherto a bedrock of scientific certainty).

Your ever faithful science reporter will relay the facts as they come to light.

As part of the fall out from the well publicised child abandonment case in Venezuala, wherein a young mother tied her infant in a plastic bag and threw hin in a river, officials within the Catholic Synod are reviewing the actions of Moses’ Mother.

In an effort to save her young son from the Egyptian Pharoah, Moses’ mother put him in a basket and hid him in the bullrushes of the Nile.

“The parallel is disturbing,” says an unnamed source close to the Cardinals. “Many people in South American countries are of the Catholic faith, and if this young mother appeals to the precedent of Moses’ mother to justify her actions she may very well have all charges against her quashed.”

Moses’ mother was deemed a heroine for the risk she took, thereby allowing a prophet of Christ to fulfill his function. “Legally the mother can claim she abandoned her infant for the same reasons and get away with it”, said the source. “So we’re attempting to close the loophole before the trial begins.”

Why Am I Never On T-Shirts?

So why is my face not splattered all over the T-Shirts of 1st World 20-somethings when Che Guevara is almost as ubiquitous as a copy of the Da Vinci Code? I have wracked my brain looking for a reason, really I have, and I can think of only two possibilities:

1. I’m Jewish. Che clearly wasn’t Jewish, and even today, it seems that Jews just get no respect.
2. He has tremendous sex appeal, whilst I am, at best, an acquired taste.

And you know what? I reckon the latter hit the nail on the head. It appears that, even for revolutionaries, only sexy ones get to be on T-Shirts.

At first I dismissed this line of thought, chalking it up to my own insecurities, and tried to see it as validation that our cause was not yet dead. “Surely”, I thought to myself, “People don’t choose to wear T-Shirts of Che just because of his rugged, masculine, mans-man New World good looks, but because they agree with the his political beliefs, and recognise that the deeper social and political change he fought and died for is still a cause worthy of believing in.”

But lately, I just don’t know. I really don’t. I mean, do these people even know who Che was and what he stood for? Cause really if they did, I would so be on at least as many T-shirts as Guevara. I mean, in the revolutionary stakes, Che can’t hold a candle to me. I am so revolutionary it isn’t funny. I was there when this whole thing got started. I was fighting revolutionary struggles for the people against the oprression of the bourgeois before Che was even a glint in his daddies eyes.

Besides, it’s not like we were that different. We had so much in common, in life and death.

• Marxists Revolutionaries: check.
• Toppled an existing power base: check.
• Fought with and for the people: check.
• Responsible for deaths of many: check.
• Eventually died in a foreign land: check.
• The ladies loved us: check and check!

So why am I not on a single bloody shirt? Really, it can only be because of my looks, as nothing else could explain why Che Guevara is annointed the chosen one, whilst great men of revolutionary vision like me lie ideally in our graves without the mass validation we so richly deserve.

See, I so got better with age!!!

To be fair though, I do look bloody Effete. I mean, compare “that” picture of Che to mine above, and ask yourself which one screams out “Hot night of manly passion” and which screams out “nancy Mama’s boy who is a dud root and, most likely, a Virgin”? Heck, even *I* find Che alluring.

But for goodness sake, it isn’t like I didn’t get the women all not and heavy in my time. No less than one Ms Frida Kahlo and I had a thing for a bit you know? And like a fine wine, I just got better with age. That funky goatee killed the chicks when it went grey, and I was almost literally beating them off with a stick when i was in exile in Mexico.

So, next time you are choosing a picture of a revolutionary to adorn your T-Shirt and add meaning to your empty, vacuous, capitalistic consumerism lives, give ole Che a break, and give one of us other revolutionaries a go.

A Picture Taken Moments After The Accident

World Great Rivaldo, whilst driving his car in down down Rio, had his car hit from behind by a 1976 VW bug. Whilst shocked onlookers stoodby, Rivaldo proceeded to leave his car clutching his head in obviious agony and pain.

“It was no more than a love tap”, Miguel dos Santos told The Yowie. “And yet, there is Rivaldo, looking for all the world like he has been shot in the head. I couldn’t just believe it. The way he was carrying on, you would have thougth he was on death’s doorstep. ‘My head, My head’ he screamed over and over, broken only by the cries of ‘whiplash, whiplash’.