From October first circus strongmen will be subject to random drug testing. “Circus strongmen, like footballers, are professional athletes,” says Melanie Tyler of Drug Testing Australia. “We (Drug Testing Australia) have been accused of concentrating our efforts on specific areas of professional sports, while neglecting others. It’s always been a case of, ‘the more TV time you have, the more drug tests you’ll have to undergo. However, Drug Testing Australia have had cause to rethink this strategy.”

“By all accounts,” continues Mrs. Tyler, “the strongman industry is rife with illegal performance enhancing drugs.” Because of their constant, and often unplanned, venue changes tracking the whereabouts of circus strongmen is something of a challenge. “Our organization estimate there are at present between three and five thousand practicing circus strongmen in Australia. All with zero checks.” Mrs. Tyler grimaces. “Until now.”

However, Drug Testing Australia has checks of their own. The locating of and travelling to thousands of circus strongmen presents a registerial, financial, and logistical nightmare. “We are applying to the government for a fourfold increase in our budget,” explains Mrs. Tyler. On the figures I have such an increase will barely be enough to register currently practicing strongmen. But we in DTA are prepared to tighten our belts.”

According to Mrs. Tyler the DTA has an agenda set to clean up the renegades within the circus industry. “The competition between circuses is fierce. And unscrupulous operators will stop at nothing to get the edge. Why should they? Asks Mrs. Tyler, “when there has been no one to hold them to account.”

The Yowie asked Mrs. Tyler in what ways this competitiveness manifested itself.

“Bearded women and testosterone. Clowns and hallucinogens. Circus fat women and steroids. The most entrenched problem, however, lies not with the carnies, but their animals. Our investigations have uncovered a widespread and systematic drugging of circus animals. This makes them easier to handle, train, and transport. It accounts for several hundred animal deaths each year. And it is, until now, entirely unregulated despite its illegality.”

It all comes down to competition. If this circus has the hairiest bearded lady and the craziest clowns they attract the largest audiences. Strictly controlled random drug testing will ensure parity within the industry

Having a level playing field, whether in sport or the circus, is important. But we at the Yowie wonder if it takes the fun out of things.

Sociology departments have long been mouthpieces for Women’s Right’s Issues. Factors affecting men are only addressed in so far as they affect women. Violence, alcoholism, Machismo etc form the core of male issues examined within tertiary university programs.

But all this is about to change. Bachelors in Australia make up a significant proportion of society. They are the most heavily taxed and the group that receives the least government assistance. In many ways, bachelors are the mules that drive the social wheel in Australia.

Because bachelors generally work longer while having proportionally less to spend on entertainment they are, according to Lynlee Peters of Greer University at a significant social disadvantage in the community. Her new undergraduate course seeks to draw attention to issues confronting bachelors and promote consideration for these oft-neglected backbones of society.

“The role bachelors are expected to play largely determines the social possibilities available to them,” says Ms. Peters. “Overwork leads to overcompensation in leisure areas. However, lack of free time and disposable income reduce even this small horizon. ‘Virtual Relationships and Today’s Bachelor,’ ‘Hygiene and Homecooking,’ and something we call ‘The Portnoy Complex,’ form the core of our degree. We also offer fascinating electives: ‘Dealing with Frustration,’ ‘Societal Expectations (Why you are a Loser),’ and ‘Bachelors: The Nerd/Macho Dichotomy.’”

Ms. Peters tells the Yowie the research for this program came from years of empirical observations within her own community. “I have an intimate knowledge of Australian bachelors,” says Ms. Peters. “They mow my lawn, fix my computer, and do my accounts, they serve me food and drinks, and fix my car, among many other things. I have seen them at work and at play. I know how the community perceives them. And I feel eminently qualified to give voice to this oppressed aspect of our society. In fact I would say I am as close to being a bachelor as any woman could be.”

We at the Yowie never doubted it for a moment.

No I’m not kidding. Mad Cow Disease came and went. Bird flu threatened much, but delivered little. Horse flu has done some damage, but nowhere near the amount the various industries are claiming. Now we have bee flu. Or more accurately, ‘Israeli Acute Paralysis Bee Virus.’

Seriously!

The Americans (it’s always the U.S.) have accused Australian apiarists of introducing the bee virus into their country. The basis for this accusation comes from a ‘Nature’ article investigating Colony Collapse Disorder. This, rather dreadful, term refers to the seasonal collapse of hives each winter in America and around the globe. For reasons obscure to this humble reporter each winter colonies die off. Only the queen and a few worker bees survive to replenish the colony in the spring. Sometime colonies die out altogether. Some colonies emerge relatively unscathed. For whatever reason the seasonal fluctuations in colony numbers has been given this moribund name.

But what has the Americans running around in circles is the drastic collapse of colonies all over America during the last winter. This huge loss couldn’t be part of the natural order of things, goes the American thinking, because then they’d have no one to sue. And so this quaint virus was dug up from the dusty tomes of biological history and blame assigned to anyone who has a beehive.

All I wonder is how a virus got from Israel to Australia and then to the U.S.? Bees only live a couple of weeks, so they sure didn’t fly. Apiaries in the U.S. outnumber those in Australia twenty to one, so it wasn’t a problem of importation.

Maybe it was a B virus of another strain, like Hepatitis B that had nowhere to go. Viruses are smart, they adapt with frightening rapidity. And while hepatitis B is still prevalent in underdeveloped parts of the world the strain is making no head way in places like the U.S. So what was left? Rather than finding ways around ever more subtle medicinal cures the Hep’ B virus adapted to infect another species.

I know I’m going out on a limb here, and I’ve absolutely no data to back this up. But such a thing is theoretically possible. At least as far as I’m concerned. In any case it’s every bit as feasible as an infected Israeli bee flying to Australia and then to the U.S.

We knew this was coming …

Outspoken feminist, Ophelia Dick, was today awarded damages, for emotional distress, from a man she has never even met.

“Sex,” Ms. Dick argued, “is mostly emotional for women. So women enter into prospective sexual relationships in a distinctly vulnerable position. Failed relationships, then, are significantly more damaging to women than men. So I am seeking restitution for the significant emotional damage I have suffered through my failed relationships.”

The Judge asked why Ms. Dick did not bring charges against the specific men at whose hands she suffered this alleged damage.

“Ha!” responded Ms. Dick, “I don’t know their names, your Honor. And it doesn’t matter. Every man, at some stage, has emotionally scarred some woman. So it doesn’t matter which man pays which woman restitution becase it will all work out in the end.”

The Judge agreed. Ms. Dick will be awarded $150,000 damages from a randomly selected man.

Legal experts expect a small number of similar suits will follow.

Cows!

The master species of our planet. Beatific Gods on earth. Wise, content, humble.

Hindu’s have the right idea. Prostrating themselves before these sublime creatures. Blissfully above the mundane concerns of petty humans. Cows are always dignified. Even when they’re going to the slaughterhouse, they shuffle along without protest.

Cows.

Cows have five stomachs. Any creature with five stomachs must be a God in a land like ours. Where over-consumption and obesity rule. Where your place in the business hierarchy is determined by the size of your paunch. Where blissful bovine ignorance is the mark of a leader.

You doubt me still?

Well if you needed any more proof (that cows surpass us in every way) go no further than this: Cows have four dicks, not one (like us). And they get jerked off everyday! How cool would that be? Orgasming four times in a row! Everyday! Why do you think they moo in the milking sheds?! Think about it: humanbeings make much the same sounds when they’re having sex. Hmmm …
When they’re done the cows probably go out back for a ciggy.

Better still, they byproduct of this intercourse is bottled and sold at extortionate prices throughout the land. It’s a staple! Everyday begins with it. Every infant is reared on it. And every cow has a bangin’ time giving it.

And what’s with the cow’s distendable jaw? It chews in a circular motion. Awesome! What man can watch that without a bolt of eroticism?

Five stomachs, four dicks, no brain, and a distendable jaw. Gods.

The travesty of our age is upon us. In a twist of irony that can only be adequately described as ‘morbid’ the Yowie has been chosen to speak before the APEC summit in Sydney this week.

This is farce began when APEC organisers hatched the hair-brained scheme of enlisting a pleb to speak before our patrician masters. Such an invitation gives the impression of at least paying lip service to democracy. Though I imagine (and hope) that most of the heads of state will be at the bar by the time our speaker is in full rant.

When the speaking position was announced, a month ago, there was, as could be expected, a flurry of applications. Any media of calibre, however, has a barrow to push. And APEC organisers felt it incumbent upon them to exclude partisan speakers. The Yowie, by contrast, is as directionless as a drunken mole. Our speaker may be safely ignoredby the heads of state, while APEC gets the Brownie Points for appearing to be listening to the proleteriat.

All that remained was to decide whom among us deserved this august commission. As a man of culture and taste, a man for whom the subtleties of life go not unnoticed, I felt best equipped for the honor. I could entertain my intellectual equals, I am no stranger to polite society, and I am totally ignorant of politics. Who could gainsay my credentials?

But this is not the way things are done within the Yowie. Rather, the speaker was chosen through a naked limbo contest at the end of a particularly lurid office party. The reader may freely associate various connotations of ‘lowness’, at this point. All with some degree of truth.

To all the filthy anarchists planning to wave their grubby fists outside APEC let me say this: Go home(if you have one)! There is no greater depth to which you can demean this summit. Once the ‘limbo king’ has fronted APEC the last bastions of decency will have been toppled. Once brutishness infects the highest political gathering of the day all we can hope for is a quick and merciful end.

Our selected speaker intends to expound upon subjects of gravity: the Tin Foil Hat Conspiracy Group, keeping the treatment for Blueballs on the PBS, the abolition of Platonic love, etc, etc.

Though I doubt there will be much love (Platonic or otherwise) when the speaker is introduced. For the winner of the office limbo competition, the journalist chosen for his equanimity and sanguine disposition, the only individual who can make a mockery of the entire proceedings, even before opening his mouth, is the Yowie’s own Terry Wrist.

Without meaning to sound smug … it was only a matter of time.

The World Asscoiation of Printed and Electronic Media has bestowed upon the Yowie its highest honor: The Journalistic Medal of Honor. This award is bestowed upon the media exhibiting the highest level of truthfulness and impartiality in reporting news. Rather than being awarded upon the merit of a single article the Journalistic Medal of Honor represents the general output of any media organisation.

Which means, for you dear reader, the Yowie’s stories, while being the news you need to know, are reported in a way you can trust. When a cure for blueballs was made part of the PBS (20/10/06) Terry Wrist of the Yowie was there, reporting as and when the facts came to hand.

Though it’s not just the hard hitting facts. While most people don’t even believe in Centaurs the Yowie’s reporter, Chiron, interviewed with one! (11/10/06) That’s why the Yowie can be trusted: We get the stories no one else can.

It was the world media that followed the Yowie after Megumi Kusanagi blew the lid on what is now internationally recogniseed as The Frankenstein Conspiracy (6/11/06). A story that shook the very foundations of politics.

If you’re a regular reader of the Yowie you’re probably thinking I’m preaching to the choir. However, the reason for this article is twofold. First, to let our readers know their intelligence in selecting the Yowie for their source of factual, important news has now been recognised globally. Secondly, to thank our devoted readers for their patronage. We will continue to provide you with the facts, indepth interviews, and the kind of ethical standards only a journalist can deliver.