So much depends upon,

Paris, Hilton Sex Video Ad

A small grey comma.

Shaded #333333,
In A Sex Video Ad.

A strange homage to William Carlos Williams in a vain attempt to raise the intellectual standards of a poorly proof read blog? No.

Rather, it is a lame segueway pointing to the heart of an ACCC investigation into false advertising by the adult video distribution company, Mature Film Corp pty ltd.

The ACCC today is investigating claims the Sex video was sold using advertising intended to “mislead and confuse consumers”.

The case revolves around what an ACCC spokesperson calls “the worst comma (they) have ever seen”.

“Have you seen the ad?” The ACCC spokesperson, who refused to be named, told The Yowie. “Just look at the full-sized copy of the image, and tell me if you can see a comma between Paris and Hilton. You practically need a microscope.”

As the image below shows, the comma is indeed difficult to spot. Blown up 100 times normal size, even at this resolution the comma is hard to see.

“By strategically using a shade of grey that is extremely difficult to detect on a black background”, The ACCC said. “The intention we contend was to mislead consumers into believeing teh video featured the reality TV Celebrity rich girl, and noted Pratt Pack member Paris Hilton.”

The ad, which ran in Australian Celebrity Obsessive, claimed to have the “best quality video available” of the infamous Paris Hilton sex video, renowned for its poor, grainy qualities.. However, when unsuspecting purchasers received the video in the mail, instead of the twenty something Heiress to the Hilton fortune in teh wild thorws of passion, purchasers were subjected to a 30 minuite video of 48 year old brickies labourer Max Smithson and his wife Enid making the “beast with two backs” in the Hilton in Paris.

And that wasn’t the end of the complaints. Many purchasers claimed that it wasn’t just the misdirection that was so appalling, but rather the state of the two lead protagonists bodies and general appearance, both of whom were described by one traumatised viewer as “the Godzilla side of repulsive”. This particular traumatised purchaser, who refused to be named, is also suing for damages, claiming that his enjoyment of porn had been “permanently and irrevocably damaged” by watching the video. His collection of over 10,000 videos, and his extensive online subscriptions, have been “rendedered obsolete, and now I no longer have a hobby”.

“Used to be”, he told The Yoiwe. “That I could watch porn for hours and not think about the emptiness of my pety existence. Now, all I ever see when I watch a video is those two appalling people doing unspeakable things.”

The company in concern, which is actually owned by the husband and wife team featured in the video, claims no wrong doing.

“The website we mention in the ad clearly indicates that Mature Films Corp only sells videos of myself and Enid get nasty in various idyllic locations around the world”, Mr Smithson told The Yowie. He claimed that the Paris, Hilton edition was a long time favourite of his “small, but loyal” clientele, “right up there with the Best Western Blue Diamond Motor Inn Dubbo edition”, which was shot on the couples 25th wedding anniversary. Mr Smithson claims that he only advertised the video after receiving nothing but “glowing praise” for the quality and artistry of the Paris, Hilton edition.

“We deny absolutely any wrong doing in this matter, and state categorically that any misleading was purely accidental. Enid and I plan to fight this to the bitter end. When for our right as mature, consenting adults to film our nocturnal horizontal dancing and sell it to anyone who’ll take it is taken away by callous bureaucrats, well, I wonder what the diggers who died in World War II would think. If you ask me, and not that anyone did mind, but if you ask me, when this sort of thing starts happenning, I reckon the terrorist have already won.”

The case is ongoing, with a ruling expected by the end of the November.

For many years, blue balls has been the scourge of men both young and old. Now, finally, there is relief in sight.

The BBPC has come up with a revolutionary treatment that they say will “cure blue balls in under three minutes”. The BBPC claim that Blue Balls is a major problem for the Australian economy, costing businesses billions each year in lost productivity.

“Our independent research puts the cost of Blue Balls to the Australian economy at between 2 and 4 billion dollars each year in lost productivity”, BBPC spokesperson Renee D’Appair told The Yowie. “By adding our revolutionary treatment to the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme, we feel confident that this lost productivity can be corrected, for a Net gain.”

The treatment, a cream that is applied for between 30 seconds and two minutes to affected member, is said to “relieve the pressure” that causes blue balls sufferers undue distress.

A government PBS spokesperson was unavailable for comment, but Yowie sources have confirmed that this treatment has “come to our attention, and is being considered”, with a decision to be handed down later in the year.

A French engineering company has proposed the construction of a nuclear power plant to transport water to drought affected western Queensland. The construction of this plant is being debated by all levels of Government and will cost the taxpayer billions of dollars. “But the money generated through crop production will be enormous,” spouted premier Beattie. “As it is the Greenbelt is turning into a dustbowl and lower exports are dragging this state into oblivion.

When asked whether nuclear power was the best option Premier Beattie responded, “As far as I’ve been lead to believe, yes. But let’s wait and see what all concerned have to say before we sign anything.”

Wise words indeed. For nuclear power stations require massive amounts of water to keep the cooling rods from melting. Without huge amounts of water the core reactors meltdown, enriched uranium explodes destroying thousands of kilometers of land for thousands of years.

The Yowie then asked Premier Beattie if taxpayers dollars might be better spent than in building a powerplant to transport water only it would use. The Premier responded, “Who are you again?”

Suicide Australia this week announced a 40% decline in the suicides of young Australian men over the past decade. Despite the drop, however, this statistic is still alarming.

The Yowie, however, questioned the need for Suicide Australia in the first place. “Can we agree a democratically elected government has two objectives? The first as visualising a style of life agreeable to its constituents. The second being the implementing of policies to attain it. If we can agree on this then the very existence of a government body such as Suicide Australia must be an admission of defeat from the outset!?”

S. A. responded. “No one expects a government to create a utopia for every one of its citizens. It might be harsh, but the cold facts of life boil down to the greatest good for the greatest number. Suicide Australia is the government’s way of minimising the harm attendant upon those who fall outside this margin.”

“But other professions have a zero failure policy,” returned the Yowie. “Imagine booking with an airline that advertised it’s 90% air saftey record. Or listening to Energy Australia predicting ONLY three days of blackouts for the next financial year. We all recognise this is not a perfect world, however MOST essential services aim for zero failure.”

“Yes, well I’m sure the government also aims for zero failure.”

“But you just said the government aims at the greatest good for the greatest number! That necessarily implies the government acknowledging its impending failing of some ctizens.”

“Perhaps you should take this up with the Federal Liberal party? I can only speak for Suicide Australia. And besides … what do you want? A society that neglects its margins?”

“No. I want a society without margins. And why is there such a high staff turnover in your branch?”

Federal Minister for Agriculture Ian McFarlane announced today that farmers were “worrying needlessly” about the drought. “We’ll be okay,” he said, while addressing a rural community in the Darling Downs. “I expect money to come from Asia any day now.”

When asked how he could be so optimistic about handouts from Asia Mr McFarlane responded, “Well we (the Australian Government) gave the affected Asian countries a little over a billion dollars after the tsunami disaster. Surely any day now they’ll give us a few million to build water lines to the interior. Hell, after what we did they should come over here and build the pipeline for us! After all,” he smiled, “that’s the way these things work.”

Emanuel Johnson, a man long renowned within his circle of friends as a party animal “Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time” died yesterday, aged 27, when he fell off a third storey balcony at an inner city party.

His death is being described as “untragic” by close friends and family, who proclaimed that Emanuel was “a man who lived by the party, so it was appropriate he died by the party. Most deaths are tragic, but Manny’s is truly one of the few that is neither tragic nor unexpected. For years, he himself ran a book on his own death. Drowning in a pool of his own vomit was paying 6/4, overdose 3/1 and ‘party induced accident’ was at better than sixes.”

Mr Steven Douglas of Strathfield was said to have been the winner of the death pool, having laid down $20 on ‘party induced accident’ in 1999, for a return believed to be around the $130 mark. He could not be reached for comment.

Manny’s parents also could not be reached, but were said to be happy that they had a son who not only had goals, but achieved them in such a determined manner. “Not everyone achieves their goals in life, but Manny’s was a flame that burnt bright, if short”.

A spokesperson for the family described Mr and Mrs Johnson, in a prepared statement, as “proud right to the end”.

Manny’s funeral is scheduled for Friday, and is planned as an alcohol filled wake, in keeping with Manny’s wishes.

The funeral of Emanuel Johnson, the 27 year old man who died Tuesday in what friends described as an “untragic and inevitable party accident” was held today at St Bono’s of U2 in Newtown, Sydney.

The funeral, which was scheduled to be, in keeping with Manny’s wishes,a drunken, debaucherous wake, was instead a long winded cry fest described by one attendee as going for “a long time, and certainly not a good time”. He said Manny would have “turned over in his grave, if of course he was already buried. He certainly would have turned over in his coffin, at the very least”.

Organisers of the funeral, including Manny’s parents, defended the decision to stray from Manny’s controversial wishes and go for a drab affair because “the White Ladies had not passed the Responsible Service of Alcohol course, a requirement for anyone involved in the service of Alcohol in NSW”.

Also not honoured were Manny’s requests for a pool to “guess the weight of the corpse” and “guess what his ashes will weigh”. This decision was defended on the grounds that a fair game could not be guaranteed, due to state regulations that require bodies on public display be clothed.

The “who’ll cry first” book was also cancelled in controversial circumstances, when it was discovered that Cousin Amanda, a student actor currently enrolled at the Newtown School of Performing Arts, was capable of crying on demand, and had placed a rather large sum on herself to be first to cry.

Amanda called the decision to call off the betting “deplorable”, and vowed to fight the decision as she was sure her cousin would have wanted, proclaiming “…that $500 is rightfully mine, and I’ll sue if neccessary to get it.”

Not everyone was upset with the funeral, with several of Manny’s aunts and uncles describing the event as “dignified” and “appropriate”, and went further in wishing Manny’s family their “deepest condolences”.