In a bizzare twist to the North Korean nuclear stand-off CIA officials are questioning a New York barber whom they believe acted as a middle-man between Kim Jong Il and his American financial backer. “Until now,” said a CIA source close to the investigation, “there has only been a prima facie link between the backer and President Kim. However, now we have the barber we believe we may be able to lay charges.

Yowie political correspondent Grimsahw Yank asked if the CIA were prepared to further explain their investigation and name the suspected financier.

“The investigation was simply putting two and two together,” replied the source. Only a few men in the world are capable of giving a haircut as bad as the one worn by President Kim. We simply put out our feelers for this man and then looked down his client list.”

“Any names stand out?” asked our faithful Yowie reporter.
“Isn’t it obvious? Who has the money, the connections, and enough bad taste to have a hairstyle similar to that?
“Elvis?”
“Donald Trump!”
“So you’ve got the big wigs then?”
“Are you being funny?
”

Controversial conspiracy theorist Michael M- has demanded Foreign Minister Alexander Downer take a gene test to prove he’s human. “Why can’t anybody see this!” exclaimed Mr. M-, “He’s the FOREIGN Minister because he’s foreign! Look at him! He’s either the Incredible Melting Man or he’s not from this planet!

The post of Foreign Minister is nothing more than an ambassadorial role for our otherworldly overlords. It’s not like Downer DOES anything, is it?”

When pressed for details Mr. M- explained his theory further. “The post of Foreign Minister has always been held by an extraterrestrial. They’re simply envoys to this world making sure we don’t do anything smart. We’re a world of slaves! Like being in the Matrix! Now I don’t know if we’re being used, controlled, or merely watched. But the surruptious way in which Downer conceals his true nature from us, to me, points to the more macabre of these options.”

“That’s why I’ve gone public. If Downer doesn’t take a genes test then he’s got something to hide. If I go missing tomorrow the world will know something’s afoot. This is massive! If I’m wrong I’ll shut up and go away. But I think Australia and the world needs to know the truth.”

The interview with Mr. M- was cut short as he was wrestled into an ambulance by several burly orderlies.

Renowned conspiracy theorist Michael M. has named Australia as one of the foremost nations involved with social engineering programs. “We’ve a long history with such things,” he said.

Speaking nervously and looking agitated Mr M. expounded upon his theory: “Forget bombs and guns, the real invasions happen through out-breeding your competitor cultures. It may take a while, but sheer weight of numbers always wins in the end. For instance: European settlers in North America out-breeding their Red Indian counterparts and seizing control of the nation. Then Africans, originally imported into America as slaves, now occupying two of the top three offices in the country. History is littered with such examples.”

Earlier this year Imams in Sydney were quoted as saying Australia would be a Muslim nation within fifty years (Really!). The reason given for this prediction is the number of offspring proportional to each of Australia’s many cultures. Muslims have much higher birthrates than any other group.

In July the Federal government responded by introducing a Baby Bonus. “I call it the Battle of the Bedrooms,” said Michael M. “Sure it was people of all backgrounds that got the bonus, but as it stands now which background is predominant in Australia?”

Michael M. however, contends the battle is a lot grimmer and goes a lot further than this. “What was the Stolen Generation if not a misguided attempt at ethnic control and cultural assimilation? The introduction of Detention Centers for illegal immigrants serves the same purpose, if only negatively. You can even argue the forced expulsion of convicts from England was a euthenically inspired form of social cleansing. I’m not commenting on whether it’s right or wrong, I’m simply saying this is the way it is.”

However, now, according to Mr. M., things have taken a decided turn for the worse. “The Baby Bonus was a failure,” he says, pounding the table with his fist. Australians of European background are not reproducing at the same rate as other cultures regardless of the money waved at them. At this rate we are being out-bred, by everyone else and paying them to do it. Fortunately today’s government understands there’s no place for a Nazi ‘Final Solution’. Instead the government have formulated a response I like to call The Frankenstein Conspiracy.”

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A press release from the NSW Liberal party that was accidentally sent out today is causing the opposition huge embarrassment in the leadup to the next NSW state election.

Titled “Government In Action On [ISSUE] Puts Lives At Risk”, the report appears to be a template for a release on any issue that may arise, and includes complete sentences generic enough to include any scandal that may arise, with “[insert minister name here]” and “[insert issue here]” in the relevant places.

Liberal party insiders were coy about the release today, and rejected claims that the state party was utilising a book purchased from Amazon titled “Being In Opposition For Dummies: Templates And Phrases To Get back Into Power”, claiming it was absolutely scandalous, and indicative of the arrogant cynicism the NSW people have come to expect from this government.”

When it was pointed out that this phrase was in fact in the aforementioned book, on page 108, under “defusing and reversing your own blunders”, the minister called an abrupt halt to the meeting.

Labour, still reeling from a Child Sex scandal involving the former Aboriginal affairs minister Milton Orkopoulos, has seized upon this rare piece of good news, with Premier Morris Iemma proclaiming “this shows the complete lack of originality that has characterized the Liberal’s years in opposition”. When it was pointed out that this phrase was from page 87 of “Running A Territory Government For Dummies: Templates and Phrases For Staying In Power”, Premier Iemma also called an abrupt halt to the press conference.

Senator for the greens, Kerry Nettle, said that this sort of thing would show the Australian public that “the two major parties are really no different, and offer virtually identical policies. We desperately need a third option to keep them honest”. This, in turn, was discovered by The Yowie to be a phrase from “Small Party Politics For Dummies: Politics With No Hope Of Power”, also available from Amazon.

The Yowie was resting rather smug in the knowledge that we had uncovered a major scandal, until it was pointed out that this storyline was, in fact, University Newspaper 101, and available in the Amazon book “Fake, Humorous University Newspaper Stories For Dummies: Ridiculous, Adaptable Plot and Story Lines”.

Rest assured, we are indeed eating humble pie.

‘Unseasonable cold has devastated crops!’ announced farmers in Southern Queensland today. Readers, we hope, will remember the farmers of Western Queensland issuing a similar statement with regard to the drought. In fact the same excuse was issued by farmers in North Queensland after the cyclone Larry disaster.

Michael M, world renowned conspiracy theorist, believes this is more than a happy coincidence. “It’s easy to blame the weather for every price increase,” said Mr. M. “This has been going on for the past three years.”

The conspiracy, according to Mr. M goes like this: At any particular time a farmer has some barren land. This is because of crop rotation. After intensive farming the land is fallow. It is then left so that it may replenish the nutrients lost during the previous harvest. While this land is rebuilding itself the farmer rotates his crop to other plots.

“So what we’re now seeing,” says Mr. M, “are farmers waiting for any kind of weather abnormality or extreme. When it occurs, as it invariably must, they sell a story about how their entire crop is decimated. News cameras are shown the fallow land, which they assume to be indicative of the farmer’s entire crop (which it isn’t), and the farmer then hikes the price on his real/ hidden crop blaming it all on the extreme weather.”

There is no doubt farmers up and down the eastern sea board have been regularly complaining about weather abnormalities for the last four or five years. “What happened before then?” asks Mr. M, “Extremes of weather have always been with us, it’s the nature of an unstable system. Put simply, every farmer since the beginning of time has had to fight random and inclement natural factors, more often than not these factors have been very extreme. However, it is only in the last three years that such factors have been used to defraud the public and enable the avaricious few to profit from our gullibility.”

History, so it is said, is written by the winners. It seems timely, then, that a history of losers should be written, even though their stories are forever lost to us.

Historian, writer, and general overwieght stuffy professor (in tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows) Percival Hugo Wabblebottom III has, for the last thirty years, turned his bifocals towards the losers of history. For thirty long years his piggish, upturned nose has inhaled the dust of neglect from unwanted tomes, in unmarked boxes, in forgotten dingy library cellars. For the eternity of thirty tortuous years he has single-mindedly devoted his, somewhat unremarkable, life and asthamtic energies to uncovering these overlooked and disregarded alternate histories. Mr. Percival Hugo Wabblebottom III knows all about being a loser.

Fate (along with many others I am sure) has, however, been cruel to Mr. Wabblebottom. Despite his grinding, laborious research and his windy, unintelligible writing his publishers have refused to release the book.

“You see,” mutters Mr. Wabblebottomin his annoying sing-song voice, “When my publishers announced the books title ‘A History of Losers’ there was a storm of protest.”

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The U.S. government is in damage control after acknowledging the misappropriation of hundreds of thousands of U.N. dollars. Money donated by countries making up the Coalition of the Willing has been spent on a University in Basra whose curriculum remains unchanged from the Middle Ages.

“This is a joke?” asks Kofi Anan, leader of the United Nations. “Surely this money could be better spent providing the necessities of life?”

Countires of the Middle East are the last bastions of classical educations. Astronomy, ettiquette, mathematics, alchemy, and classical literature are mandatory subjects within all tertiary educational facilities. The United States, and western world at large, is however, opposed to what they see as wasted money and time. “Education in Iraq should meet the standards of the U.S.,” said President Bush today. “Why should we financially support a system of education we deem to be worthless?”

The Yowie, however, has dug a little deeper and sought views from within Basra University. Chancellor, Dr. al Chemi is a blend of the ancient and modern views on education in the Middle East. He is an intelligent and wealthy man, a devout Muslim, and a respected scholar. He spoke to the Yowie.

“Basra University,” he says, “is close to financially supporting itself. We thank the United Nations for their support and ask for just a little more patience.”

When asked about the conflict between eastern and western curriculums Dr. al chemi replied: “Students from all over the Middle East, the Baltic, and Asia find our subjects most appealing. The Faculty of Alchemy is especially popular. It attracts students from Palestine, Iran, Syria, Pakistan, and Georgia, to name but a few.” Dr al Chemi reclined in his chair and steepled his fingers. “Within a few years I expect this faculty to be the University’s largest source of foreign student income.”

Alchemy, so the Yowie has found out, is concerned with ‘the power or process of changing one thing into another’. Historically this has been associated with efforts attermpting to turn base metals into gold. Endeavours long pursued but never accomplished. Basra University, however, has taken a more modern approach. “And this is why the American money is not wasted,” says an eager Dr. al Chemi. “Ours is a practical alchemy; such as teaching students to turn Uranium 236 into weapons grade Plutonium.”