If ever there was an album that has all the hallmarks of a wanky, aweful, overwrought, terribly pretentious piece of crap, this be that album.

Sufjan Stevens set himself the task of writing one album for each of the 50 states of the United States of America. In this installment, Sufjan pays homage to Illinois, home of Chicago and, well, research is what Wikipedia is for. Go use it

No one can say with a straight face, not even Sufjan, that that all 50 albums are ever likely to happen. Nor, I would venture, would many people think this was anything but a wanky idea by a pretentious tosser likely to be about as musically valid as most every non-Sargeant Peppers concept album ever released. And it gets worse, as the song titles are amonsgt the longest ever (see song two below), and are often longer than the song they describe.

All of this seems to indicate taht the Gods have aligned all the cards to make this one of the worst releases ever. And yet somehow, God knows how, but somehow, the complete opposite is true, and this is one of my favourite albums of all time.

Sufjan somehow manages to make the external settings play out as an inner dialogue of self questioning in a way that is just so real. Sufjan manages to take places, the river Decatur, and turn it into a stirring, personal song about stepmothers and children; take a serial killing child molesterer like John Wayne Gacy and turn it into a story about the secrets we all hide.

Look, my inner cynic wants to hate this album, with every pretentious hatin’ bone in my body. It wants to not only hate but . But this album is just too good. My God, is it good. It is abso-fucking-lutely awesome, jaw droppingly, hairs standing up good. Highlight after highlight after highlight that just grows with every listen.

This is one album you just have to buy.

Track listings

1. Concerning The UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois
2. The Black Hawk War, Or, How To Demolish An Entire Civilization And Still Feel Good About Yourself In The Morning, Or, We Apologize For The Inconvenience But You’re Gonna Have To Leave Now, Or, ‘I Have Fought The Big Knives And Will Continue To Fight…
3. Come On! Feel The Illinoise!: Part I: The World’s Columbian Exposition/Part II: Carl Sandburg Visits Me In A Dream
4. John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
5. Jacksonville
6. A Short Reprise For Mary Todd, Who Went Insane, But For Very Good Reasons
7. Decatur, Or, Round Of Applause For Your Stepmother!
8. One Last ‘Whoo-Hoo!’ For The Pullman
9. Chicago
10. Casimir Pulaski Day
11. To The Workers Of The Rock River Valley Region, I Have An Idea Concerning Your Predicament
12. The Man Of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts
13. Prairie Fire That Wanders About
14. A Conjunction Of Drones Simulating The Way In Which Sufjan Stevens Has An Existential Crisis In The Great Godfrey Maze
15. The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us!
16. They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhh!
17. Let’s Hear That String Part Again, Because I Don’t Think They Heard It All The Way Out In Bushnell
18. In This Temple As In The Hearts Of Man For Whom He Saved The Earth
19. The Seer’s Tower
20. The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders: Part I: The Great Frontier/Part II: Come To Me Only With Playthings Now

Sounds a simple question, right? Well apparently not. Philosophers at Griffith University’s Department for Arts have recognised that such a question is itself rhetorical. So what? Well if the question ‘What counts as an answer?’ cannot be answered then the human race is doomed to never knowing (that is truly knowing) anything!

So what, again!? Doesn’t this just recognise the problems of understanding? Well, no. It means true one–to–one knowledge is forever beyond us! It means the entire enterprise of philosophy, science, and any open ended field of knowledge is, to put it bluntly, worthless!

“If each culture sphere is responsible for the criteria determining the acceptablity governing the status of the knoweldge they produce (said a breathless philosophy post graduate) then it’s Rafferty’s Rules. Anyone can set up their intellectual barrow and hawk whatever belief systems they like! And no one can say they’re any worse than the mainstream because they can merely palm it off with an appeal to Relativity.

Where do ghostwriters go when they die? If they were ghosts in real life what do they become when they die? And what, exactly, is the status of a living ghost? Theological groups around the world are meeting in Helsinki this week to thrash out these thorny issues.

The problem started earlier last month with the passing of an unnamed ghostwriter in the United States. Despite clear instructions in his will the Catholic Church refused to grant him an orthodox burial and ceremony. Ghosts, of any persuasion, are, by Papal decree, ‘restless souls without the comfort of God.’ Catholic Ambassador to the Ghost summit, in Helsinki, drew the conclusion: “They are therefore anathema (cursed of God) and beyond the sanctuary of the Church. This law was, however, coined in 1611, around the time of the Conquistadors. At that time there were no ghostwriters, so we perhaps need to revisit the specifics of this issue. Hoever, a Papal decree is a Papal decree and the law will remian in place until the current Pope overrules it.”

Whatever the outcome the Yowie just hopes the name on the tombstone is spelt correctly.

So much depends upon,

Paris, Hilton Sex Video Ad

A small grey comma.

Shaded #333333,
In A Sex Video Ad.

A strange homage to William Carlos Williams in a vain attempt to raise the intellectual standards of a poorly proof read blog? No.

Rather, it is a lame segueway pointing to the heart of an ACCC investigation into false advertising by the adult video distribution company, Mature Film Corp pty ltd.

The ACCC today is investigating claims the Sex video was sold using advertising intended to “mislead and confuse consumers”.

The case revolves around what an ACCC spokesperson calls “the worst comma (they) have ever seen”.

“Have you seen the ad?” The ACCC spokesperson, who refused to be named, told The Yowie. “Just look at the full-sized copy of the image, and tell me if you can see a comma between Paris and Hilton. You practically need a microscope.”

As the image below shows, the comma is indeed difficult to spot. Blown up 100 times normal size, even at this resolution the comma is hard to see.

“By strategically using a shade of grey that is extremely difficult to detect on a black background”, The ACCC said. “The intention we contend was to mislead consumers into believeing teh video featured the reality TV Celebrity rich girl, and noted Pratt Pack member Paris Hilton.”

The ad, which ran in Australian Celebrity Obsessive, claimed to have the “best quality video available” of the infamous Paris Hilton sex video, renowned for its poor, grainy qualities.. However, when unsuspecting purchasers received the video in the mail, instead of the twenty something Heiress to the Hilton fortune in teh wild thorws of passion, purchasers were subjected to a 30 minuite video of 48 year old brickies labourer Max Smithson and his wife Enid making the “beast with two backs” in the Hilton in Paris.

And that wasn’t the end of the complaints. Many purchasers claimed that it wasn’t just the misdirection that was so appalling, but rather the state of the two lead protagonists bodies and general appearance, both of whom were described by one traumatised viewer as “the Godzilla side of repulsive”. This particular traumatised purchaser, who refused to be named, is also suing for damages, claiming that his enjoyment of porn had been “permanently and irrevocably damaged” by watching the video. His collection of over 10,000 videos, and his extensive online subscriptions, have been “rendedered obsolete, and now I no longer have a hobby”.

“Used to be”, he told The Yoiwe. “That I could watch porn for hours and not think about the emptiness of my pety existence. Now, all I ever see when I watch a video is those two appalling people doing unspeakable things.”

The company in concern, which is actually owned by the husband and wife team featured in the video, claims no wrong doing.

“The website we mention in the ad clearly indicates that Mature Films Corp only sells videos of myself and Enid get nasty in various idyllic locations around the world”, Mr Smithson told The Yowie. He claimed that the Paris, Hilton edition was a long time favourite of his “small, but loyal” clientele, “right up there with the Best Western Blue Diamond Motor Inn Dubbo edition”, which was shot on the couples 25th wedding anniversary. Mr Smithson claims that he only advertised the video after receiving nothing but “glowing praise” for the quality and artistry of the Paris, Hilton edition.

“We deny absolutely any wrong doing in this matter, and state categorically that any misleading was purely accidental. Enid and I plan to fight this to the bitter end. When for our right as mature, consenting adults to film our nocturnal horizontal dancing and sell it to anyone who’ll take it is taken away by callous bureaucrats, well, I wonder what the diggers who died in World War II would think. If you ask me, and not that anyone did mind, but if you ask me, when this sort of thing starts happenning, I reckon the terrorist have already won.”

The case is ongoing, with a ruling expected by the end of the November.

In entertainment news, US Rapper ‘lil Killer G Doggy Dog has taken Rolling Stone Magazine to court in an attempt to have details of his childhood Chess Prodigy past suppressed.

‘lil Killer G Doggy Dog

Rolling Stone allegedly uncovered this tawdry secret whilst doing a piece on ‘lil Killer G (real name Andrew Smith) after his Grammy nominated debut album, “%#%$# the &^$^%$ in the &&^%^ hood” went platinum. Several “irregularities” were uncovered in ‘lil Killer G’s story of his childhood, including claims he spent years in “the system” for a murder he claimed to have committed at age 8, leading Rolling Stone to dig a little deeper.

The subsequent investigation uncovered his rather happy and affluent past in upstate New York, and the alleged Chess ability. The story threatens to be the biggest entertainment story of the year, and is tipped to derail the once promising career of a man who Rolling Stone itself had just two months previously proclaimed “the likely heir to the Tuppac crown”.

A spokesperson for Rolling Stone refused to officially comment, due to ongoing legal battles, but The Yowie has confirmed through Upstate New York Chess Confederation secretary Judith Morrison that ‘lil Killer G was indeed a chess star, with Ms Morrison stating that “Andrew was one of my favourites. A really lovely, polite and well groomed young man, who came from two fine parents, both doctors”. This is significantly at odds with his self proclaimed past of struggle and triumph over adversity, in which he claims he never met his father, and hs mother abandoned him at age 7.

A spokesman for the noted gangsta rapper declined to comment on the specifics of the case, but did said the ‘lil Killer G camp would fight what he called “spurious and false allegations to the bitter, murderous end”. He also maintained the party line that ‘lil Killer G was indeed a “gangsta of the worst kind”, who was “much more likely to commit a major, violent felony like assault, rape, heck even murder, than ponder the relative value giving up a pawn for a bishop”.

‘lil Killer G’s management team went further in their suit, released Thursday, in which they claimed that the Chess Prodigy stories were a “beat up” and a “pathetic attempt to silence the spokesman of his generation”.

Online, fans of ‘lil Killer G have shown almost unanimous support, with one poster, who went by the handle ‘lil Killer B, pointing to a “whiteyman (sic) conspiracy to silence the black man and keep uppity n**** down”.

The case is set down to be heard Monday morning, anda prominant legal expert told The Yowie that “Andrew is screwed. I mean, that being a chess prodify is bad for hsi curent profession is not grounds for any sort of suppression i am aware of.”

Added: ‘lil Killer B has been revealed as Baltimore youth Daniel O’Hare, who apparently is not only white, but also attends an exclusive Baltimore private school. Daniel’s parents have since made him appologise for his comments online, which they described as “rascist and derogatory”.

A rival version of the TV game show The Biggest Loser halted abruptly this week in Suva Fiji. Contestant’s had complained of being intimidated by the show’s sponsor. “He’s a REAL loser,” said one hopeful. “There’s more to being a loser than just shedding weight. And we’re not in this guy’s class.”

Sponsors, By Ling Slimming Tea, had promised the contestants a purse of one million dollars to be distributed by series end. The Fijian Government stood to make money and generate much needed global exposure.

By Ling Slimming Tea, however, was deregistered in the late eighties for false advertising. In short, it was a crock. The tea only slimmed pockets, doing nothing to reduce one’s weight. As was seen when company director Peter Foster was manhandled into a paddy wagon.

The disgusting, corrupulent, fleshy mass offending our televisions was living proof of By Ling’s ineffectuality. Furthermore, it once and for all put beyond any doubt Peter Foster’s undisputed claim to being the world’s biggest loser (in every aspect).

Following his controversial sermon comparing scantily clad western women to pieces of meat Sheik Taj Din al Hilali has admitted he’s a vegetarian. “I mean … I’m not interested in meat … if you get my drift,” said a sheepish looking al Hilali. “Well, um … not the meat that reminds you of scantily clad women anyway. Give me the veges – yes Sir.”

Sheik al Hilali told the Yowie this was exactly what he meant when he said his sermon had been taken out of context. “Look, in my culture you can’t just say these things, okay. You’ve got to pad them out a bit. And I’ve been putting this off for far too long.”

When asked to further explain his meaning al Hilali responded: “I don’t know how to make this any plainer? Everyone knows I’m a vegetarian, alright? And vegetarians don’t like meat, do they? So when I compared meat to women … you get my drift? Bloody stupid westerners.”