Gynecologist, Fish Monger Swap War Stories

Darren McCarthy and Dr Nigel Henderson, both of whom are friends of Sarah McTavish, traded war stories last weekend at a dinner party, in what guests described as “perhaps the funniest exchange ever”.

Party guest Emmanuel Sampson said that the exchange, which feature the phrase “beyond fishy” over a dozen times was “hilarious in the extreme. I am not sure who won, but for the gross factor, i would give it to the doctor by a nose.”

Doctor Told Surfer Feeling “Fully Sick”

Dr Cameron Dalambert was told on friday that his patient Stephen “Stevo” Jones was “feeling, like, fully sick, Doc”.

Dr Dalambert denied the claim, stating that the claimed was, if anything, a gross exaggeration , and that Mr Jones was at best “marginally ill”. he further claimed that there was unequivocally nothing “gnarly” or “radical” about the phlegm that Mr Jones produced, despite protests to the contrary.

“Sure”, Dr Dalambert said. “The phlegm was slightly green, but I would hardly define that as ‘fully sick’”,

After resigning the post of Attorney-General Linda Lavarch has decided to tackle her depression head-on. She has begun conselling sessions with emminent psychologists and embraced life after politics with gusto. Ms Lavarch recently resigned her post because of a recurring depressive disorder.

Much speculation was aroused in the timing of Ms Lavarch’s announcement. As Attorney-General Ms. Lavarch had recently blocked an agreement between Australian and U.S. governments to extradite rogue surgeon Jayant Patel. Upon the acceptance of her resignation Ms Lavarch was unable to further explain her reasons for opposition, nor expand further upon the mystery surrounding the Government’s involvement in Dr. Patel’s flight.

The Yowie has uncovered that Ms. Lavarch will be attending Managing Depression Workshops in Rockhampton with other victims of Dr. Patel. “I think it would be good to get them all together,” said her psychologist. “They are all victims of this madman and can only help each other.”

A rival version of the TV game show The Biggest Loser halted abruptly this week in Suva Fiji. Contestant’s had complained of being intimidated by the show’s sponsor. “He’s a REAL loser,” said one hopeful. “There’s more to being a loser than just shedding weight. And we’re not in this guy’s class.”

Sponsors, By Ling Slimming Tea, had promised the contestants a purse of one million dollars to be distributed by series end. The Fijian Government stood to make money and generate much needed global exposure.

By Ling Slimming Tea, however, was deregistered in the late eighties for false advertising. In short, it was a crock. The tea only slimmed pockets, doing nothing to reduce one’s weight. As was seen when company director Peter Foster was manhandled into a paddy wagon.

The disgusting, corrupulent, fleshy mass offending our televisions was living proof of By Ling’s ineffectuality. Furthermore, it once and for all put beyond any doubt Peter Foster’s undisputed claim to being the world’s biggest loser (in every aspect).

Following his controversial sermon comparing scantily clad western women to pieces of meat Sheik Taj Din al Hilali has admitted he’s a vegetarian. “I mean … I’m not interested in meat … if you get my drift,” said a sheepish looking al Hilali. “Well, um … not the meat that reminds you of scantily clad women anyway. Give me the veges – yes Sir.”

Sheik al Hilali told the Yowie this was exactly what he meant when he said his sermon had been taken out of context. “Look, in my culture you can’t just say these things, okay. You’ve got to pad them out a bit. And I’ve been putting this off for far too long.”

When asked to further explain his meaning al Hilali responded: “I don’t know how to make this any plainer? Everyone knows I’m a vegetarian, alright? And vegetarians don’t like meat, do they? So when I compared meat to women … you get my drift? Bloody stupid westerners.”

Suicide Australia this week announced a 40% decline in the suicides of young Australian men over the past decade. Despite the drop, however, this statistic is still alarming.

The Yowie, however, questioned the need for Suicide Australia in the first place. “Can we agree a democratically elected government has two objectives? The first as visualising a style of life agreeable to its constituents. The second being the implementing of policies to attain it. If we can agree on this then the very existence of a government body such as Suicide Australia must be an admission of defeat from the outset!?”

S. A. responded. “No one expects a government to create a utopia for every one of its citizens. It might be harsh, but the cold facts of life boil down to the greatest good for the greatest number. Suicide Australia is the government’s way of minimising the harm attendant upon those who fall outside this margin.”

“But other professions have a zero failure policy,” returned the Yowie. “Imagine booking with an airline that advertised it’s 90% air saftey record. Or listening to Energy Australia predicting ONLY three days of blackouts for the next financial year. We all recognise this is not a perfect world, however MOST essential services aim for zero failure.”

“Yes, well I’m sure the government also aims for zero failure.”

“But you just said the government aims at the greatest good for the greatest number! That necessarily implies the government acknowledging its impending failing of some ctizens.”

“Perhaps you should take this up with the Federal Liberal party? I can only speak for Suicide Australia. And besides … what do you want? A society that neglects its margins?”

“No. I want a society without margins. And why is there such a high staff turnover in your branch?”

Emanuel Johnson, a man long renowned within his circle of friends as a party animal “Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time” died yesterday, aged 27, when he fell off a third storey balcony at an inner city party.

His death is being described as “untragic” by close friends and family, who proclaimed that Emanuel was “a man who lived by the party, so it was appropriate he died by the party. Most deaths are tragic, but Manny’s is truly one of the few that is neither tragic nor unexpected. For years, he himself ran a book on his own death. Drowning in a pool of his own vomit was paying 6/4, overdose 3/1 and ‘party induced accident’ was at better than sixes.”

Mr Steven Douglas of Strathfield was said to have been the winner of the death pool, having laid down $20 on ‘party induced accident’ in 1999, for a return believed to be around the $130 mark. He could not be reached for comment.

Manny’s parents also could not be reached, but were said to be happy that they had a son who not only had goals, but achieved them in such a determined manner. “Not everyone achieves their goals in life, but Manny’s was a flame that burnt bright, if short”.

A spokesperson for the family described Mr and Mrs Johnson, in a prepared statement, as “proud right to the end”.

Manny’s funeral is scheduled for Friday, and is planned as an alcohol filled wake, in keeping with Manny’s wishes.

Steven Anderson, a year 9 student at Sydney Grammar School, was today left mystified and mortified at the concept of Platonic love.

“So, it is like normally love, but without the sex?” a confused Steven asked his English Teacher, Mr Jamison.

“Yes, exactly”, Mr Jamison replied.

“Why the hell would anyone want that?” Steven asked to roars of laughter from his fellow classmates.

“The whole concept is just plain nuts”, Steven told The Yowie. “I mean please, you are telling me that this Greek dude, this Plato, if that is his real name, invents this love without sex and is so damned pleased he names it after himself? If it wasn’t so ridiculously unrealistic, it would be fair dinkum sick. I am so angry about this. As if chicks need another reason not to put out. I mean, here I am, desperate for a lady, and this Greek dude, who apparently was pretty hot stuff, with the the Athenian ladies throwing themselves at him, he did have a bangin’ beard after all, and he just wants to “talk”? What was he, some sort of queer? I tell you, it blows my mind, it is just horrifyingly disgusting, and this sort of filth needs to be kept away from impressionable young women.”

Mr Jamison was unsurprised by Steven’s comments, and claimed that the comments would not be held against him when it came to finalising Steven’s grade.