Alcoholic Anonymous is in damage control after turning out a schoolboy without reason. “My son admits to having a drinking problem,” says the youth’s Father. “He is listless, unfocussed, confused, he admits he needs help. And these people throw him out at his first session! It’s not good enough! We want answers.”

Jason Hutchins of Alcoholics Anonymous refused to comment other than to say, “We are outraged at the boy and have no further comment until an internal inquiry has been finalised.”

The boy at the centre of the storm (who cannot be named because of legal reasons) told the Yowie his problem developed at school. “Before I knew it I was trapped! I couldn’t function normally. It felt like being at the bottom of a very deep, black, alcoholic whirlpool..”

When asked by the Yowie about the A.A. meeting the young man frowned. “I thought organisations like A.A. existed to help people like me. Boy was I wrong! They gave no comfort, support, or advice.”

The youth admits he addressed the assembly before being evicted. “I told them my name and they all called out ‘Hi _______!’ Then I admitted I had a drinking problem and said I needed help. They applauded. When they’d finished I told them about it.”

Our intrepid reporter asked the young man to describe his drinking problem. He sobbed and said: “If a carton of Guiness weighs twenty-five kilograms and the Guiness weighs twice as much as twice the weight of the carton, how much do they each weigh? Can you help me with my drinking problem?”

Can you Dear Reader?

Fast food chain McDonalds this week announced the formation of its military wing. “Like Sinn Fein, Hezbolla, and other oppressed organisations,” says Mac Attack spokesman Donald Arches, “we have found ourselves in the position of struggling for our lives and values.”

The group is responding on behalf of McDonalds against the persistent and often defamatory press aimed at the fast food industry over the previous several years. “Things are getting out of hand,” Mr. Arches continues. “And now, with the findings of Sun State University in California, we have our political objectives.”

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No conviction was recorded against marketing giant Kraft-Masterfoods in todays case before the Brisbane High Court. Queensland Health had accused the multinational of breaching basic health guidelines, specifically within its Cooporoo cannery. In a long running, and often bitter legal wrangle, the facts were only fully disclosed with the defenses final submission.

Queensland Health originally brought charges against Kraft-Masterfoods because of the sensational testimony of whistleblower Petunia Roberts. Mrs. Roberts husband, Cyril Turner Roberts, had confided to his wife on several occasions an overwhelming drive to put his ‘dick in the pickle slicer’. Mrs. Roberts pleaded with her husband to seek help for his fetish. Mr. Roberts, however, refused to accept responsibility for his psychological dillemma.

Things reached a head (so to speak) on the afternoon of 21st of February when Mr. Roberts returned home from his job at the Cooporoo cannery sheepishly telling his wife he ‘had something to confess’. Mrs. Roberts testified to hearing her husband tell her that day he had ‘put his dick in the pickle slicer’.

On 23rd February Mrs. Roberts provided Queensland Health with an affadavit reproducing her husband’s testimony. On that and subsequent occasions Mr. Roberts showed scant regard not only for his own well being, but also the well being of the wider community.

Pickles canned at the Cooporoo facility are transported throughout Australia. Queensland Health were horrified that such a gross breach of health regulations was treated by Kraft-Masterfoods in such a disdainful manner. “We cannot understand why there was no public recall,” says Janet Howitz of Queensland Health. “As soon as we had Mrs. Robert’s submission we demanded the Courts intervene to protect the Australian community.”

Kraft-Masterfoods spokesperson Leanne Walton, however, says consumers were in no way put at risk. “Upon the situation being uncovered Mr. Roberts was sacked.” The problem, as lawyers for Queensland Health so robustly argued, was not with Mr. Roberts, but with the distribution of the food that had passed through the pickle slicer. “Oh,” Said Ms. Walton, “she was sacked too.”

A special diet is being forced upon all members of the Federal Labor Party, according to a leaked memo today. A labour Party think tank has identified a number of entirely new demographics within the Australian community.

Previously Australian demographics have been divided into the aged, single mothers, various ethnic groups, battling families, and pathetic, lonely, middle-aged white guys (who are the mules turning the entire economic mill).

However, all that has now changed. According to today’s leaked memo people are now to be identified with what they do rather than with what they are. This has, in turn, led to an entirely new approach for Labor in presenting itself to the wider community.

The entire Labor party has been exhorted to go on high fat, high carbohydrate, high sugar diets in an effort to court, what is now being termed, the ‘Fat Vote’. “The writing was on the wall,” a Party insider told the Yowie. “We should have seen this long ago. Television shows are almost equally divided between cookery programs and weight loss shows. The Australian community is obsessed with food and what food does to you. Our objective then is to identify with this public trait and thereby have the Australian public identify with us.”

“The demographic has always been there, it’s only now we’re learning how to work it. Imagine watching Alexander Downer sweating it out on The Biggest Loser! Or having Peter McGauran (Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry) showing you how to bake a Platypus Pie. It’s a shame Kim Beazely has gone. With what we know now he’d have been our ticket to securing the Fate Vote.”

Identifying people with what they do rather than with what they are was, in fact, originally used by Pauline Hanson. “Despite her shortcomings the woman could spot a mob ready to be exploited.” Ms. Hanson hopes to be swept back into power by courting the ‘Dancing Vote’. This constituency is formally identified as couch potato losers who live their lives vicariously through Dancing with the Stars, Australian Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, etc, etc. And while they might not do any dancing of their own, they identify with the contestants who do. “And it is this niche identification,” continued our insider, “that we aim to exploit.”

Always one to spot opportunities, dumped Minister for Immigration Amanda Vanstone has combined the two and begun belly-dancing lessons.

Who writes this shit?

Mr. Gerrit Rogers, of Bankstown New South Wales, was, today, the first man in the world to be issued with a license to hunt vending machines. This comes after a protracted campaign waged in the local Council Chambers against what Mr. Rogers sees as the ‘silent predators’ of Australian society.

Mr. Rogers began his campaign against public vending machines after reading an article in the online Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards posthumously award prizes to people who have died in bizzare and foolish ways. Award recipients, the organisers claim, are too stupid to be polluting our gene pool and so deserve the sticky ends they bring upon themselves.

The article that got Mr. Rogers thinking pointed to an alarming statistic: More people die each year from vending machines falling on them than from shark attacks. Truly!

“Ok,” says Mr. Rogers, “a vending machine won’t circle you for half an hour before closing in for the kill. But statistically they are far more dangerous than sharks. Why then are they free to wreck havoc and destroy lives? We have hunters to cull sharks. Yet the greater threat goes unchallenged. Furthermore, vending machines lurk behind the corners of your everyday life. Sharks, on the other hand, don’t attack you while you wait for a bus.”

Mr. Rogers bolstered his argument by citing an investigation into the nutritional content of vending machine food. The A.N.U. report found, “Vending machines are killers even if they don’t fall on you.”

Bankstown Local Council had no alternative but to uphold the application and grant a license to hunt vending machines. However, the Council cautioned Mr. Rogers and urged the use of common sense. License was awarded on the proviso there be no collateral damage and no harm to the general public.

Fast food groups are outraged and have threatened to defend their products ‘vigorously’. “Newer models will have self-defensive capabilities,” said a spokesperson for Vending Machines Australia. “It’s not cost effective to have turret mounted, fully automatic, armour piercing, machine guns, like we hoped. But we are looking at spring loaded pneumatic pumps that can topple the machine in any direction from which it senses a threat.”

Talk about achieving exactly the opposite of what you set out to do …

The furore between the World Athletics Association and the Paralympics reached court this week. Paralympics claims W.A.A. athletes are fraudulently infiltrating its ranks. This accusation comes on the back of a recent finding that aging can be, and now is, classed as a disability.

“And who can argue?” asks Professor Barnard Sykes, Emeritus Professor of Human Biology at California University. “Older people lose muscle and bone mineral density, brain function slows, and energy transference markedly declines. In every way aging counts as a disability. An athlete beyond the age of thirty is at a marked and measurable disadvantage to the same athlete at twenty.”

Paralympics does not dispute Professor Sykes’ findings. It does, however, take issue with W.A.A. athletes competing in Paralympic competitions simply because they are older. Astafa Powell (World 100meters record holder) recently competed in a Paralympics meet one week after a World Athletics Championship in Brussels. “Why shouldn’t I?” Powell asks the Yowie. “I’m a week older and therefore a week slower. I won this race fair and square.”

The Paralympics case rests upon the presiding Judge ‘seeing sense’. “If aging is classed as a disability in the sporting sense then the floodgates will open,” said Judith Cuspins, writer of Sports Illustrated. “The Paralympics will become a mere offshoot to the W.A.A. No one doubts the effect of aging on athletes, but where do you draw the line?”

Without meaning to sound smug … it was only a matter of time.

The World Asscoiation of Printed and Electronic Media has bestowed upon the Yowie its highest honor: The Journalistic Medal of Honor. This award is bestowed upon the media exhibiting the highest level of truthfulness and impartiality in reporting news. Rather than being awarded upon the merit of a single article the Journalistic Medal of Honor represents the general output of any media organisation.

Which means, for you dear reader, the Yowie’s stories, while being the news you need to know, are reported in a way you can trust. When a cure for blueballs was made part of the PBS (20/10/06) Terry Wrist of the Yowie was there, reporting as and when the facts came to hand.

Though it’s not just the hard hitting facts. While most people don’t even believe in Centaurs the Yowie’s reporter, Chiron, interviewed with one! (11/10/06) That’s why the Yowie can be trusted: We get the stories no one else can.

It was the world media that followed the Yowie after Megumi Kusanagi blew the lid on what is now internationally recogniseed as The Frankenstein Conspiracy (6/11/06). A story that shook the very foundations of politics.

If you’re a regular reader of the Yowie you’re probably thinking I’m preaching to the choir. However, the reason for this article is twofold. First, to let our readers know their intelligence in selecting the Yowie for their source of factual, important news has now been recognised globally. Secondly, to thank our devoted readers for their patronage. We will continue to provide you with the facts, indepth interviews, and the kind of ethical standards only a journalist can deliver.