Great secrecy surrounds the specifics of the blackmail case against Labour M.P. Mary Rose. Ms. Rose was, last week brought before the courts to answer charges of blackmail. It is alleged she demanded certain high paying positions from the Queensland Premier, Peter Beattie, in return for her silence about matters still of great public conjecture.

World famous conspiracy theorist and regular Yowie source Eugene X believes he has secured the content behind Ms. Rose’s attempted extortion.

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Fast food chain McDonalds this week announced the formation of its military wing. “Like Sinn Fein, Hezbolla, and other oppressed organisations,” says Mac Attack spokesman Donald Arches, “we have found ourselves in the position of struggling for our lives and values.”

The group is responding on behalf of McDonalds against the persistent and often defamatory press aimed at the fast food industry over the previous several years. “Things are getting out of hand,” Mr. Arches continues. “And now, with the findings of Sun State University in California, we have our political objectives.”

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“Why is it,” asks Eugene X., the Yowie’s resident Conspiracy Theorist, “That Midsummer’s and Midwinter’s Days fall only twenty two days into their respective seasons?”

Mr. X. is absolutely correct, dear Reader. While Summer begins on December 1st the Summer solstice (formerly known as midsummer’s day – the longest day of the year) happens on the 21st or 22nd of December. Just as the winter solstice (midwinter’s day and shortest day of the year) happens on June the 21st or 22nd yet winter itself begins on the 1st of said month. Summer and winter are, of course, reversed in the northern hemisphere.

The reason for this diabolical conspiracy to defraud the populations of the world, according to Mr. X. goes to the very heart of man’s need to control his fellows. “Have you ever been lost?” asks Mr. X. “The feeling of disorientation reduces individuals’ capacity to reason, panic takes over, and otherwise intelligent people exhibit purely knee-jerk responses to the stimulii affecting them. Time disorientation elicits the same responses. However, with time there are no ready landmarks by which individuals, or groups, may reorient themselves.”

Mr. X. believes this deliberate time scandal is responsible for the cowlike apathy and general anxiety affecting the world today. “This is why societies become more anxious as they become more time conscious.”

“The Romans invented group control,” says Mr. X. “Augustus himself said, ‘Give the masses bread and circuses and they shall sink into docility’. Or something like that. It’s curious then that the man who said this also created the calendar we use, in a largely unmodified manner, today.” It even bears his name: the Augustan Calendar.

“So we have the carrot and the big stick,” says Mr. X. “On the one hand the masses sink beneath the weight of their own ennui and on the other we are dislocated from the single most important thing giving sense to our lives. This is why it always seems time goes slower when you’re at work than when you’re having fun. Time has been so perverted this is exactly what happens. All this nonsense about subjective versus objective time is ridiculous. Time be time mon,” says Mr. X. in a silly Jamacan accent.

Mr. X. believes there is a cabal of Time Lords somewhere in the world spreading this misinformation. “It’s a high level cover up to keep us as ignorant, disoriented, docile slaves.”

Mr. X. muses for a moment, “I’ll go down in history for this discovery.”

Australian military expert, Miles Hickey, today called on the Federal Government to expand the temrs of reference guiding military thinking about terrorism. “You see,” explained Mr. Hickey, “The UN has not agreed, even informally, as to what constitutes terrorism. ‘Terrorism’, as the word is used now, can be used to cover almost anything you don’t like and could possibly do you harm. There doesn’t need to be a clearly defined enemy. There doesn’t need to be a clearly defined instance. There doesn’t even need to be a clearly defined threat!”

“The word ‘terrorism’” Mr. Hickey continued, “is a porridge word so inclusive as to be almost meaningless. However, I am a realist. Despite the lack of a formally ratified explanation of what terrorism is, terrorism does exist. Anybody who says otherwise is a fool. The point I am trying to impress upon the Federal Government is that our brave troops should be prepared against all kinds of terrorism.”

“At its most basic level terrorism is anything that makes you terrified. So I think it’s only prudent to give our troops garlic with which to ward off vampires and silver bullets with which to kill werewolves. These creatures have terrified humanity for centuries. The only reason, as far as I can see, why the War on Terror hasn’t been expanded to include these insurgent groups (that rise up against rightful authority) is because of supply problems.”

“Vampires and werewolves, like terrorist cells, are elusive, secretive, and bloodthirsty. They exist only to further their own ends and prey upon humanity – not only physically, but also by instilling terror into the public psyche at large. Under every current definition these formidable enemies of humanity count as terrorists. The Australian Government is remiss in ignoring the threat they pose.”

As the Yowie went to press Mr. Howard was considering tax rebates for garlic growers and the silver mining industry.

Bundaberg District Court today took a submission from a man asking to be allowed to use an eraser when serving his community service. Ronald Joseph Atkinson today pleaded guilty to stealing the erasers of schoolchildren attending Bundaberg Secondary School. Justice Monahan order Mr. Atkinson serve two hundred hours community service. The Judge stipulated this time be spent cleaning graffiti from public structures. It was then Mr. Atkinson asked if he might be allowed to remove the graffiti with an eraser.

Justice Monahan immediately ordered Mr. Atkinson undergo psychiatric evaluation. However Mr. Atkinson quickly explained, “Your Honor, I belong to a very small religious sect that believes erasers are repositories of all knowledge in the Western world.” Justice Monahan motioned to the Bailiff, but Mr. Atkinson asked for further, albeit brief, indulgence.

“We believe, Your Honor, that the information erased from books is sucked up into the erasers, not simply obliterated. The knowledge taken from the page continues to exist within the eraser. As such erasers are holy to us and deserving of veneration.”

Mr. Atkinson admitted he stole the schoolchildren’s erasers in order to further the sect’s accumulation of knowledge. “I realize now that in stealing I did the wrong thing. And I am willing to make restitution as the court sees fit. I ask only that I use an eraser so that the artistry of the graffiti can also be added to the storehouse of knowledge within my eraser collection.”

Justice Monahan made the observation that erasers existed to remove mistakes. The knowledge Mr. Atkinson had thereby stolen was erroneous. A shocked and sobbing Mr. Atkinson was led from the court.

Mr. Gerrit Rogers, of Bankstown New South Wales, was, today, the first man in the world to be issued with a license to hunt vending machines. This comes after a protracted campaign waged in the local Council Chambers against what Mr. Rogers sees as the ‘silent predators’ of Australian society.

Mr. Rogers began his campaign against public vending machines after reading an article in the online Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards posthumously award prizes to people who have died in bizzare and foolish ways. Award recipients, the organisers claim, are too stupid to be polluting our gene pool and so deserve the sticky ends they bring upon themselves.

The article that got Mr. Rogers thinking pointed to an alarming statistic: More people die each year from vending machines falling on them than from shark attacks. Truly!

“Ok,” says Mr. Rogers, “a vending machine won’t circle you for half an hour before closing in for the kill. But statistically they are far more dangerous than sharks. Why then are they free to wreck havoc and destroy lives? We have hunters to cull sharks. Yet the greater threat goes unchallenged. Furthermore, vending machines lurk behind the corners of your everyday life. Sharks, on the other hand, don’t attack you while you wait for a bus.”

Mr. Rogers bolstered his argument by citing an investigation into the nutritional content of vending machine food. The A.N.U. report found, “Vending machines are killers even if they don’t fall on you.”

Bankstown Local Council had no alternative but to uphold the application and grant a license to hunt vending machines. However, the Council cautioned Mr. Rogers and urged the use of common sense. License was awarded on the proviso there be no collateral damage and no harm to the general public.

Fast food groups are outraged and have threatened to defend their products ‘vigorously’. “Newer models will have self-defensive capabilities,” said a spokesperson for Vending Machines Australia. “It’s not cost effective to have turret mounted, fully automatic, armour piercing, machine guns, like we hoped. But we are looking at spring loaded pneumatic pumps that can topple the machine in any direction from which it senses a threat.”

Talk about achieving exactly the opposite of what you set out to do …

The furore between the World Athletics Association and the Paralympics reached court this week. Paralympics claims W.A.A. athletes are fraudulently infiltrating its ranks. This accusation comes on the back of a recent finding that aging can be, and now is, classed as a disability.

“And who can argue?” asks Professor Barnard Sykes, Emeritus Professor of Human Biology at California University. “Older people lose muscle and bone mineral density, brain function slows, and energy transference markedly declines. In every way aging counts as a disability. An athlete beyond the age of thirty is at a marked and measurable disadvantage to the same athlete at twenty.”

Paralympics does not dispute Professor Sykes’ findings. It does, however, take issue with W.A.A. athletes competing in Paralympic competitions simply because they are older. Astafa Powell (World 100meters record holder) recently competed in a Paralympics meet one week after a World Athletics Championship in Brussels. “Why shouldn’t I?” Powell asks the Yowie. “I’m a week older and therefore a week slower. I won this race fair and square.”

The Paralympics case rests upon the presiding Judge ‘seeing sense’. “If aging is classed as a disability in the sporting sense then the floodgates will open,” said Judith Cuspins, writer of Sports Illustrated. “The Paralympics will become a mere offshoot to the W.A.A. No one doubts the effect of aging on athletes, but where do you draw the line?”