Steven Anderson, a year 9 student at Sydney Grammar School, was today left mystified and mortified at the concept of Platonic love.

“So, it is like normally love, but without the sex?” a confused Steven asked his English Teacher, Mr Jamison.

“Yes, exactly”, Mr Jamison replied.

“Why the hell would anyone want that?” Steven asked to roars of laughter from his fellow classmates.

“The whole concept is just plain nuts”, Steven told The Yowie. “I mean please, you are telling me that this Greek dude, this Plato, if that is his real name, invents this love without sex and is so damned pleased he names it after himself? If it wasn’t so ridiculously unrealistic, it would be fair dinkum sick. I am so angry about this. As if chicks need another reason not to put out. I mean, here I am, desperate for a lady, and this Greek dude, who apparently was pretty hot stuff, with the the Athenian ladies throwing themselves at him, he did have a bangin’ beard after all, and he just wants to “talk”? What was he, some sort of queer? I tell you, it blows my mind, it is just horrifyingly disgusting, and this sort of filth needs to be kept away from impressionable young women.”

Mr Jamison was unsurprised by Steven’s comments, and claimed that the comments would not be held against him when it came to finalising Steven’s grade.

1. Extraordinary Rendition aka I can’t believe it’s not torture – the legal process of removing a human to a country in which humans and animals have similar rights. Involves not only the applying of the letter and not the spirit of the law, but the kicking to death of said spirit until it is a dribbling mess of antiquated, outdated notions of civility.
2. WMD – A nebulous term that can be used as a “get of jail free” excuse to justify anything. E.g.: “I am sorry I didn’t do the dishes mum, I was looking for WMDs in my room”.
3. Government – The group of middle aged white men that secured our vote by telling us lies we wanted to hear when it most benefited them that they are then in aposition to break. Equivalent to a middles age king or emporer, the government has full rights to tell the people what to do, with no discussion entered into outside of set, specific moments in time referred to as “elections”.
4. Opposition – The group of middle aged white men that are not in a position to make what they tell us lies, but who hope to one day be in such a position. Job includes hanging shit on the government at every opportunity, and using the phrases “a disgrace”, “a waste of taxpayer’s money” and “the minister should resign” as often as possible.
5. Election – A process whereby two externally, morally and politically virtually identical white, middle aged men, whose views can differ by no more than 0.01%, are presented as the only two choices for lord and master from which “voters” can choose.
6. Vote – The process of choosing which of two middle-aged white men’s lies you feel most comfortable pretending will come true. See also “self delusion”.
7. Democracy – A loosely defined term that involves justifying a tightly controlled and defined political system by pretending that people have choices. See also “Vote”.
8. Habeas corpus (deprecated) – Definition lost in the sands of time.
9. Human Rights (deprecated) – A series of rights that we no longer feel the need to pretend every human being has. Rights we no longer pretend to respect include fair trials, justice and fair and reasonable treatment whilst incarcerated.
10. Freedom – Having achieved someone else’s desires for our lives: e.g.: “We have been given freedom”.
11. War (deprecated) – See “Freedomising”.
12. Freedomising (verb) – The process of making others conform to your vision of how they should live.
13. Truth (deprecated) – an antiquated notion of the nature of things.
14. God – A fictional, non-corporeal character used to justify appalling acts of mass evil perpetrated by corporeal humans.
15. Devil – God’s fictional, non-corporeal competitor. Handy as an excuse when using God won’t work, e.g. when caught in bed with a male prostitute who supplies you with illicit drugs. Despite being characterised as “evil”, ironically rarely the justification for acts of mass evil and rarely, if ever, the rallying call of murderous mobs.
16. Terrorist – Someone who buys our weapons, takes our training and then uses said skills and weapons in ways we don’t approve of or haven’t sanctioned. See also “former ally” and “freedom fighter”.
17. Freedom Fighter – Someone who buys our weapons, takes our training and then uses said skills and weapons in ways we do approve of or have sanctioned. See also “current ally” and “terrorist”.
18. Interest Rate – The primary concern of the populous. Used to scare, cajole and otherwise intimidate with rises and falls, the justification of which, and for which, is never presented nor understood.
19. Economy – A series of numbers that imposes fear, panic and pain on people.
20. Recession – The devil incarnate. An economic condition that afflicts nations that is to be feared and avoided using any measures and at all costs. Measures include but are not restricted to destroying the environment, destruction of native title and the imprisoning of those seeking asylum.
21. Education – A system of indoctrination whose funding can be used to win votes.
22. Current Affairs – A television show whose primary goal is to engage in publicity stunts to achieve the desired number of viewers. Contains nothing current, and many plotlines are repeated ad nauseam, particularly those involving breasts and bras.
23. Diplomacy – The system of enforcing the views on those with inferior arsenal of weapons with the hope that an economic benefit can be gained by not needing to use said weapons.
24. Drugs – A series of chemicals with pleasant affects that are outlawed in order to have a quick and easy tool to both scare the voting middle classes, and provide an outlet for funding that secures votes. See also Police and law and order.
25. Murder – Killing that isn’t sanctioned by the ruling class; usually on a smaller and more intimate scale than mass, government sponsored anonymous killings that utilise weapons that require little or no direct contact.
26. Extraordinary Information Dispersal – The process of dispersing information such that a preordained decision is made palatable to a consuming public.
27. Propaganda – Lies told by other countries. A tactic never employed by the morally pure leaders of our own land.

A Sydney, Australia Farrari dealership has caused uproar with its latest free give away with every car: a free penis enlargement.

“I know many will see this as inappropriate”, a source from the dealership who requested anonymity told The Yowie. “But having conducted extensive research into our clientele and past customers, we discovered that a high proportion suffer from the medical condition known as Micro-penis. As such, we felt that it was best to kill two bird-pulling show stoppers with one stone enlarging offer. It seems the perfect marketing synergy to me, and I really can’t see the big deal, no pun intended.”

Farrari owner Mr Smith* said that he was excited by the offer, and would have welcomed the opportunity to increase both his feeling of (and actual) manhood. “Not everyone is Ron Jeremy, I understand that, but a little help could go a long way, no pun intended. It, the trouser tadpole if you will, was why I got the Farrari after all, so going one better and giving me a dong I could hold onto would have been great. I am actually thinking about upgrading from the 2005 model myself.”

Others have not been quite so happy, claiming that the free give away is a cynical ploy to play on the insecurities of others for profit.

Our insider at the dealership rejected such criticism, stating that “what a man decides to have lengthened, widened or otherwise changed is no else’s business but his own. And besides, the sort of chicks that dig guys with Farraris probably have fake tits anyway, so a huge fake wanger seems like no score draw to me.”

* Not his real name.

On the 2nd of December the new Gallery of Modern Art will be opened to the Public in Brisbane. On display will be a range of confronting, challenging, and engaging works from domestic and international artists.

“But the experience doesn’t end with the artists,” says the Gallery Board Director Wayne Goss. “Even the caffeteria menu is modelled on principles of Modern Art! Instead of the dish it is now the diner who becomes the chef’s work of art.”

Such a pronouncement set off warning bells in this humble reporter’s head.

Will diners have chefs throwing eggs at them in the same way Kandinski throws paint at a canvas? Will hungry punters be forced to wallow through food on the caffeteria floor like a Pro Hart installation project? Will patrons be force fed Baked Beans regardless of whatever they order in memory of Andy Warhol? Or will the food’s presentation resemble the flung mash of after a toddlers tantrum, in the manner of the Dada and Impressionist schools?

Whatever the outcome Gallery, and more specifically caffeteria, goers can be assured of three things: The price will be outrageous, the meal unsatisfactory, and the experience (at best) disappointing.

In one of the more bizzare cases to come before the Brisbane Magistrates Court inventor Edwin Peabody faced charges today for false and misleading advertising. The Consumer Ombudsman asserted Mr. Peabody was selling second hand watches claiming they were compliant with, as not yet invented, time machines.

Rather than deny the charges Mr. Peabody proudly stood by his product. “The problem with normal watches is they keep ticking no matter when you are in time. My time pieces automatically adjust to the time zone you are in. I’m ahead of the game, I know, but that doesn’t mean they don’t work.”

The problem arrived when Mr. Peabody was asked to prove his claims. “Well I can’t can I? The technology to prove they work doesn’t exist yet. At this point in time we don’t even have the theories to develop the required technology. They’re exactly ninety seven years away. But doesn’t the Ombudsman have to prove my products don’t work?”

Mr. Peabody came to the Ombudsman’s attention when, earlier this year, he tried to sell a second hand time machine on ebay. “That was blown out of proportion,” claimed Mr. Peabody. “In the advertisment I clearly said the time machine was broken. It was fixable! Only the parts needed for it haven’t been invented yet.”

It was also alleged Mr. Peabody had for sale a curling wand guaranteed to work in a vacuum and wall calendar designed for a deep space probe. It is further alleged Mr. Peabody claimed he could repair the tread on anti-gravity boots.

Mr. Peabody retorted, “They persecuted Gallileo as well.” He remained defiant throughout sentencing.

Who’d have thought it possible!?

Federal Police today announced they would be urging the Australian Government to extend the laws protecting individuals to cover characters in novels. This follows the arrest of Ronald Daley Watson in relation to the disappearances of five characters from Herman Melville’s classic novel Moby Dick.

It is alleged Mr. Watson, rather than read the book required by his course syllabus at Deakin University, composed a sequel to Moby Dick. A sequel in which he wrote out the characters he found most boring.

It has long been known that life imitates art, however, no one knew to what degree this maxim was true! Upon the conclusion of Mr. Watson’s sequel characters from Melville’s novel began disappearing! Buy any copy of Moby Dick today and you will find Captain Ahab’s Pequod more of a ghost ship than an early eighteenth century whaler.

Police believe Mr. Watson’s actions come within the province of virtual crime as enforced on the internet. “But we’ve never before made a case for virtual murder,” says Police prosecutor Leanne Phillips. “This undoubtedly creates a legal quandry: Intellectual property rights, representational legal status, willful intent to harm, fraud … there is no difference between Mr. Watson’s actions and the willful damage of files by an internet hacker. Mr. Watson has irrevocably altered Melville’s classic, but just how should he be tried? This is a question for the Parliament.”

Mr. Watson rejected any wrongdoing. “I’m a hero!” he claimed. “Those characters are responsible for a great deal of suffering within Arts faculties around the world. Suffering that will continue until the end of time, unless someone put a stop to it. Book burnings are out of the question, so I tried something no one else has. And who’d have thought it, but it works!”

When asked about his sentiments towards his ‘victims’ Mr. Watson responded: “Have you read a current version of Moby Dick? Getting rid of the Pequod’s crew removes endless pages of internal monologues boring us with the ramblings of cloud formations. Gone are the mind numbing diatribes on the pathetic uses to which the various parts of a Right Whale were put in the eighteenth century. This new, improved version contains a whole lot less of the pointless, meaningless, endless drivel about tides in the Atlantic ocean. And that’s gotta be a good thing!”

Parliament is due to debate changes to laws governing intellectual property rights, citizen status, and virtual crime in the next week.

The Federal Australian Government is facing a civil suit for the demise of irony in our everyday and cultural lives. Eugene M., representing the class action, alleges, “The Government, through its proliferation of Political Correctness and medevil censorship, has killed off irony.”

As evidence he points to a high school teacher facing Terrorism charges. In October of last year Mr. Gillard was returning through customs at Coolangatta airport on the Gold Coast. When he was asked by Customs Officials if he had anything to declare Mr. Gillard responded, “Yes, I’ve got fifteen kilograms of Semtex.” This was palpably untrue as all Mr. Gillard carried with him was one small item of hand luggage scarcely big enough to carry two kilograms of anything. Failing to see the irony of Mr. Gillard’s declaration Customs Officials shut down the airport, arrested, and charged Mr. Gillard. He faced counts of making a false statement to Customs, intentionally causing civil unrest, fraud, and terrorism.

“We are living in an Orwellian nightmare!” says Mr. M. “When government thought control overrides commonsense. If Political Correctness is allowed to murder irony we will be reduced to the intellectual status of biological robots.”

When asked about the chances for succes in his case Mr. M responded, “The Federal Government is very thoughtful, considerate, and generous. I’m sure they’ll give us a fair hearing!”