No conviction was recorded against marketing giant Kraft-Masterfoods in todays case before the Brisbane High Court. Queensland Health had accused the multinational of breaching basic health guidelines, specifically within its Cooporoo cannery. In a long running, and often bitter legal wrangle, the facts were only fully disclosed with the defenses final submission.

Queensland Health originally brought charges against Kraft-Masterfoods because of the sensational testimony of whistleblower Petunia Roberts. Mrs. Roberts husband, Cyril Turner Roberts, had confided to his wife on several occasions an overwhelming drive to put his ‘dick in the pickle slicer’. Mrs. Roberts pleaded with her husband to seek help for his fetish. Mr. Roberts, however, refused to accept responsibility for his psychological dillemma.

Things reached a head (so to speak) on the afternoon of 21st of February when Mr. Roberts returned home from his job at the Cooporoo cannery sheepishly telling his wife he ‘had something to confess’. Mrs. Roberts testified to hearing her husband tell her that day he had ‘put his dick in the pickle slicer’.

On 23rd February Mrs. Roberts provided Queensland Health with an affadavit reproducing her husband’s testimony. On that and subsequent occasions Mr. Roberts showed scant regard not only for his own well being, but also the well being of the wider community.

Pickles canned at the Cooporoo facility are transported throughout Australia. Queensland Health were horrified that such a gross breach of health regulations was treated by Kraft-Masterfoods in such a disdainful manner. “We cannot understand why there was no public recall,” says Janet Howitz of Queensland Health. “As soon as we had Mrs. Robert’s submission we demanded the Courts intervene to protect the Australian community.”

Kraft-Masterfoods spokesperson Leanne Walton, however, says consumers were in no way put at risk. “Upon the situation being uncovered Mr. Roberts was sacked.” The problem, as lawyers for Queensland Health so robustly argued, was not with Mr. Roberts, but with the distribution of the food that had passed through the pickle slicer. “Oh,” Said Ms. Walton, “she was sacked too.”

Ian Thorpe announced today he will not contest the ‘extaordinarily high’ testosterone readings produced from a blood test he took last year. However, he firmly declares having done nothing wrong. “This is a very sensitive issue,” he told a packed media conference. “I’d just like it to go away. I’ve done nothing wrong. I haven’t cheated. I haven’t taken drugs to improve my performance. Why can’t you people leave me alone?”

When asked about the high teststerone reading Thorpe looked uncomfortable. “Yes … well … I can explain that. Throughout my entire swimming career I have attempted to keep my private life hidden from public scrutiny. What I do in my own time is of no consequence to the public role I play as a sporting ambassador for Australia.”

When asked what on earth he meant and what any of the preceding statement had to do with his high testosterone reading Thorpie replied, “I’m gay, alright. And I like having sex before racing. You figure it out.”

Right wing Christian Conservative group, The Second no-sexual-innuendo-attached Re-Arrival Of Christ Tribunal has called for an increase in the use of Abstinence as a teaching tool.

“Traditionally, abstinence has only been used to teach classes on controversial topics like ‘mummy and daddy’s special cuddle when, and only when, they love each other very much and have proclaimed as much before our Lord, the son of God, Jesus Christ’, and illicit, illegal and immoral drug use”, committee spokesperson Roger Whitman told the Yowie. “Clearly, abstinence teaching works, and is the only sane choice. That is why we are calling for an extension of abstinence training, to encompass a whole range of topics, from maths to English and especially science.

“‘Just say no to Maths‘, ‘Evolution? No Way!‘ and ‘Reading Is For Degenerates (unless It’s The Bible)‘ are all campaigns that we support whole heartedly.”

The group claims that by extending abstinence training into areas where traditionally learning something about the topic is the point, the world can be made more harmonious, with a lot of the differences that separate us going away.

“All this angst, all this clawing, fighting scratching and ‘learning’ just to eek out a future that won’t last half as long as the Eternity God offers. Why? Why bother? Why do we need to know stuff when it just causes pain and suffering, and God asks so little and promises an eternity? If none of us knows nofink, none of us is any better, and we can all be just as bestest as each other and, therefore, logically, better off. Our group calls this ‘Parity Through Ignorance™‘.”

Educational groups have hit out at the ridiculousness of the proposal, with spokeswoman Sarah Johnson claiming that “…abstinence is not a good way to teach about anything… except sex… oh, and possibly drugs, and maybe underage drinking, because everyone knows that until 1 millisecond past midnight on the arbitrary day 18 years after they were born, kids shouldn’t drink. And possibly anything controversial, like any research that doesn’t support equality, fairness and being good to each other.

“But apart from that”, Sarah went on to claim. “Apart from that, the whole concept that anyone can be considered “educated” in a topic if they never actually learn anything about the topic, well, that is just non-sensical… unless, again, it is about sex, and probably drugs. Sex Education that teaches you how to do anything practical, no way! I mean, kids should learn the way we did, learning absolutely nothing about the topic in a formalised sense and instead engaging in a post High School, alcohol fuelled, ultimately unsatisfying ‘cram sessions’ with equally inept fellow graduates who think foreplay starts with a plan to go out. that, honestly, is the only sensible sexual learning tool.

“I mean, heck, it isn’t like sex is hard.. not unless it’s done right boom-tish. Sorry, little ‘inside’ gag there. Like i was saying, sex ain’t real hard. There aren’t 6 billion of us because sex is difficult. Insert, repeat if required. Derr! A 15 year old could manage that. Not that they should. Stay celibate kids, and don’t do drugs!”

“And should they also stay in school?”, The Yowie asked.

“Sure, why not.”

Australian military expert, Miles Hickey, today called on the Federal Government to expand the temrs of reference guiding military thinking about terrorism. “You see,” explained Mr. Hickey, “The UN has not agreed, even informally, as to what constitutes terrorism. ‘Terrorism’, as the word is used now, can be used to cover almost anything you don’t like and could possibly do you harm. There doesn’t need to be a clearly defined enemy. There doesn’t need to be a clearly defined instance. There doesn’t even need to be a clearly defined threat!”

“The word ‘terrorism’” Mr. Hickey continued, “is a porridge word so inclusive as to be almost meaningless. However, I am a realist. Despite the lack of a formally ratified explanation of what terrorism is, terrorism does exist. Anybody who says otherwise is a fool. The point I am trying to impress upon the Federal Government is that our brave troops should be prepared against all kinds of terrorism.”

“At its most basic level terrorism is anything that makes you terrified. So I think it’s only prudent to give our troops garlic with which to ward off vampires and silver bullets with which to kill werewolves. These creatures have terrified humanity for centuries. The only reason, as far as I can see, why the War on Terror hasn’t been expanded to include these insurgent groups (that rise up against rightful authority) is because of supply problems.”

“Vampires and werewolves, like terrorist cells, are elusive, secretive, and bloodthirsty. They exist only to further their own ends and prey upon humanity - not only physically, but also by instilling terror into the public psyche at large. Under every current definition these formidable enemies of humanity count as terrorists. The Australian Government is remiss in ignoring the threat they pose.”

As the Yowie went to press Mr. Howard was considering tax rebates for garlic growers and the silver mining industry.

Bundaberg District Court today took a submission from a man asking to be allowed to use an eraser when serving his community service. Ronald Joseph Atkinson today pleaded guilty to stealing the erasers of schoolchildren attending Bundaberg Secondary School. Justice Monahan order Mr. Atkinson serve two hundred hours community service. The Judge stipulated this time be spent cleaning graffiti from public structures. It was then Mr. Atkinson asked if he might be allowed to remove the graffiti with an eraser.

Justice Monahan immediately ordered Mr. Atkinson undergo psychiatric evaluation. However Mr. Atkinson quickly explained, “Your Honor, I belong to a very small religious sect that believes erasers are repositories of all knowledge in the Western world.” Justice Monahan motioned to the Bailiff, but Mr. Atkinson asked for further, albeit brief, indulgence.

“We believe, Your Honor, that the information erased from books is sucked up into the erasers, not simply obliterated. The knowledge taken from the page continues to exist within the eraser. As such erasers are holy to us and deserving of veneration.”

Mr. Atkinson admitted he stole the schoolchildren’s erasers in order to further the sect’s accumulation of knowledge. “I realize now that in stealing I did the wrong thing. And I am willing to make restitution as the court sees fit. I ask only that I use an eraser so that the artistry of the graffiti can also be added to the storehouse of knowledge within my eraser collection.”

Justice Monahan made the observation that erasers existed to remove mistakes. The knowledge Mr. Atkinson had thereby stolen was erroneous. A shocked and sobbing Mr. Atkinson was led from the court.

A special diet is being forced upon all members of the Federal Labor Party, according to a leaked memo today. A labour Party think tank has identified a number of entirely new demographics within the Australian community.

Previously Australian demographics have been divided into the aged, single mothers, various ethnic groups, battling families, and pathetic, lonely, middle-aged white guys (who are the mules turning the entire economic mill).

However, all that has now changed. According to today’s leaked memo people are now to be identified with what they do rather than with what they are. This has, in turn, led to an entirely new approach for Labor in presenting itself to the wider community.

The entire Labor party has been exhorted to go on high fat, high carbohydrate, high sugar diets in an effort to court, what is now being termed, the ‘Fat Vote’. “The writing was on the wall,” a Party insider told the Yowie. “We should have seen this long ago. Television shows are almost equally divided between cookery programs and weight loss shows. The Australian community is obsessed with food and what food does to you. Our objective then is to identify with this public trait and thereby have the Australian public identify with us.”

“The demographic has always been there, it’s only now we’re learning how to work it. Imagine watching Alexander Downer sweating it out on The Biggest Loser! Or having Peter McGauran (Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry) showing you how to bake a Platypus Pie. It’s a shame Kim Beazely has gone. With what we know now he’d have been our ticket to securing the Fate Vote.”

Identifying people with what they do rather than with what they are was, in fact, originally used by Pauline Hanson. “Despite her shortcomings the woman could spot a mob ready to be exploited.” Ms. Hanson hopes to be swept back into power by courting the ‘Dancing Vote’. This constituency is formally identified as couch potato losers who live their lives vicariously through Dancing with the Stars, Australian Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, etc, etc. And while they might not do any dancing of their own, they identify with the contestants who do. “And it is this niche identification,” continued our insider, “that we aim to exploit.”

Always one to spot opportunities, dumped Minister for Immigration Amanda Vanstone has combined the two and begun belly-dancing lessons.

Who writes this shit?

Mr. Gerrit Rogers, of Bankstown New South Wales, was, today, the first man in the world to be issued with a license to hunt vending machines. This comes after a protracted campaign waged in the local Council Chambers against what Mr. Rogers sees as the ‘silent predators’ of Australian society.

Mr. Rogers began his campaign against public vending machines after reading an article in the online Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards posthumously award prizes to people who have died in bizzare and foolish ways. Award recipients, the organisers claim, are too stupid to be polluting our gene pool and so deserve the sticky ends they bring upon themselves.

The article that got Mr. Rogers thinking pointed to an alarming statistic: More people die each year from vending machines falling on them than from shark attacks. Truly!

“Ok,” says Mr. Rogers, “a vending machine won’t circle you for half an hour before closing in for the kill. But statistically they are far more dangerous than sharks. Why then are they free to wreck havoc and destroy lives? We have hunters to cull sharks. Yet the greater threat goes unchallenged. Furthermore, vending machines lurk behind the corners of your everyday life. Sharks, on the other hand, don’t attack you while you wait for a bus.”

Mr. Rogers bolstered his argument by citing an investigation into the nutritional content of vending machine food. The A.N.U. report found, “Vending machines are killers even if they don’t fall on you.”

Bankstown Local Council had no alternative but to uphold the application and grant a license to hunt vending machines. However, the Council cautioned Mr. Rogers and urged the use of common sense. License was awarded on the proviso there be no collateral damage and no harm to the general public.

Fast food groups are outraged and have threatened to defend their products ‘vigorously’. “Newer models will have self-defensive capabilities,” said a spokesperson for Vending Machines Australia. “It’s not cost effective to have turret mounted, fully automatic, armour piercing, machine guns, like we hoped. But we are looking at spring loaded pneumatic pumps that can topple the machine in any direction from which it senses a threat.”

Talk about achieving exactly the opposite of what you set out to do …