Who’d have thought it possible!?

Federal Police today announced they would be urging the Australian Government to extend the laws protecting individuals to cover characters in novels. This follows the arrest of Ronald Daley Watson in relation to the disappearances of five characters from Herman Melville’s classic novel Moby Dick.

It is alleged Mr. Watson, rather than read the book required by his course syllabus at Deakin University, composed a sequel to Moby Dick. A sequel in which he wrote out the characters he found most boring.

It has long been known that life imitates art, however, no one knew to what degree this maxim was true! Upon the conclusion of Mr. Watson’s sequel characters from Melville’s novel began disappearing! Buy any copy of Moby Dick today and you will find Captain Ahab’s Pequod more of a ghost ship than an early eighteenth century whaler.

Police believe Mr. Watson’s actions come within the province of virtual crime as enforced on the internet. “But we’ve never before made a case for virtual murder,” says Police prosecutor Leanne Phillips. “This undoubtedly creates a legal quandry: Intellectual property rights, representational legal status, willful intent to harm, fraud … there is no difference between Mr. Watson’s actions and the willful damage of files by an internet hacker. Mr. Watson has irrevocably altered Melville’s classic, but just how should he be tried? This is a question for the Parliament.”

Mr. Watson rejected any wrongdoing. “I’m a hero!” he claimed. “Those characters are responsible for a great deal of suffering within Arts faculties around the world. Suffering that will continue until the end of time, unless someone put a stop to it. Book burnings are out of the question, so I tried something no one else has. And who’d have thought it, but it works!”

When asked about his sentiments towards his ‘victims’ Mr. Watson responded: “Have you read a current version of Moby Dick? Getting rid of the Pequod’s crew removes endless pages of internal monologues boring us with the ramblings of cloud formations. Gone are the mind numbing diatribes on the pathetic uses to which the various parts of a Right Whale were put in the eighteenth century. This new, improved version contains a whole lot less of the pointless, meaningless, endless drivel about tides in the Atlantic ocean. And that’s gotta be a good thing!”

Parliament is due to debate changes to laws governing intellectual property rights, citizen status, and virtual crime in the next week.

Alcoholic Anonymous is in damage control after turning out a schoolboy without reason. “My son admits to having a drinking problem,” says the youth’s Father. “He is listless, unfocussed, confused, he admits he needs help. And these people throw him out at his first session! It’s not good enough! We want answers.”

Jason Hutchins of Alcoholics Anonymous refused to comment other than to say, “We are outraged at the boy and have no further comment until an internal inquiry has been finalised.”

The boy at the centre of the storm (who cannot be named because of legal reasons) told the Yowie his problem developed at school. “Before I knew it I was trapped! I couldn’t function normally. It felt like being at the bottom of a very deep, black, alcoholic whirlpool..”

When asked by the Yowie about the A.A. meeting the young man frowned. “I thought organisations like A.A. existed to help people like me. Boy was I wrong! They gave no comfort, support, or advice.”

The youth admits he addressed the assembly before being evicted. “I told them my name and they all called out ‘Hi _______!’ Then I admitted I had a drinking problem and said I needed help. They applauded. When they’d finished I told them about it.”

Our intrepid reporter asked the young man to describe his drinking problem. He sobbed and said: “If a carton of Guiness weighs twenty-five kilograms and the Guiness weighs twice as much as twice the weight of the carton, how much do they each weigh? Can you help me with my drinking problem?”

Can you Dear Reader?

Police in the city of Phoenix, Arizona, have announced a connection between the terrible murders of the last month. Phoenix Police Chief Jack Harris told the Yowie, “We had originally believed these to be crimes of opportunity. However, now their connection to one another is incontestable. We are asking the public to report anything unusual and are offering substantial rewards for any information leading to an arrest.”

The remains of fourteen people have been found since the beginning of November. All of them attributed to the work of three men whom the Police now consider to be competing against one other. “Each murder takes place within a few days of the reporting of another,” said Chief Harris. “The modus operandi and trophy taking is consistent with the work of three separate men. All of whom are intelligent, well organised, and proficient killers.”

In one case the murderer gouges out his victims eyes and takes them as trophies. Police have dubbed this individual ‘The Corinthian’. The second killer, known as ‘The Bachelor’, removes his victims’ ring fingers. While the third, ‘Cyclops’, police believe, simply photographs his handiwork. Each of the murderers carefully arranges their victim’s body before fleeing the scene.

The citizens of Phoenix are growing increasingly anxious. Five men have been mistakenly attacked and beaten by vigilantes. Seven people have been shot. “We have all our resources and energies devoted to the apprehension of these killers,” the Police Chief told us. “All the relevant authorities are aiding us in our investigations. There is no need for the citizens of this fair city to take the law into their own hands. We will bring these murderers to justice as soon as possible.”

A Press ban restricting any mention of the murders has been imposed on all U.S. media. The Yowie was granted an interview on the proviso this article never reach the American shore.

Have a nice day.

The U.S. government is in damage control after acknowledging the misappropriation of hundreds of thousands of U.N. dollars. Money donated by countries making up the Coalition of the Willing has been spent on a University in Basra whose curriculum remains unchanged from the Middle Ages.

“This is a joke?” asks Kofi Anan, leader of the United Nations. “Surely this money could be better spent providing the necessities of life?”

Countires of the Middle East are the last bastions of classical educations. Astronomy, ettiquette, mathematics, alchemy, and classical literature are mandatory subjects within all tertiary educational facilities. The United States, and western world at large, is however, opposed to what they see as wasted money and time. “Education in Iraq should meet the standards of the U.S.,” said President Bush today. “Why should we financially support a system of education we deem to be worthless?”

The Yowie, however, has dug a little deeper and sought views from within Basra University. Chancellor, Dr. al Chemi is a blend of the ancient and modern views on education in the Middle East. He is an intelligent and wealthy man, a devout Muslim, and a respected scholar. He spoke to the Yowie.

“Basra University,” he says, “is close to financially supporting itself. We thank the United Nations for their support and ask for just a little more patience.”

When asked about the conflict between eastern and western curriculums Dr. al chemi replied: “Students from all over the Middle East, the Baltic, and Asia find our subjects most appealing. The Faculty of Alchemy is especially popular. It attracts students from Palestine, Iran, Syria, Pakistan, and Georgia, to name but a few.” Dr al Chemi reclined in his chair and steepled his fingers. “Within a few years I expect this faculty to be the University’s largest source of foreign student income.”

Alchemy, so the Yowie has found out, is concerned with ‘the power or process of changing one thing into another’. Historically this has been associated with efforts attermpting to turn base metals into gold. Endeavours long pursued but never accomplished. Basra University, however, has taken a more modern approach. “And this is why the American money is not wasted,” says an eager Dr. al Chemi. “Ours is a practical alchemy; such as teaching students to turn Uranium 236 into weapons grade Plutonium.”

Protestors from the Animal Welfare League last week strew one thousand paper ducks over the lawn of Parliament House. The protestors were angry about the government’s disregard of the high number of birds killed each year; many by self styled ‘sporting hunters’. The Minister for Fisheries, Forestry and Conservation, Senator Eric Abetz, gave the Yowie this interview.

“Senator Abetz. You’ve been described as ‘swimming in circles’ in your efforts to provide adequate protection to the fauna of this country, how do you respond?”

“I disagree. The Government has the latest and most reliable information from which decisions on livestock quotas are made. We are not ‘swimming in circles’ as you put it, but making decisions informed by Dr. Waddle of the C.S.I.R.O.”

“Hasn’t Dr. Waddle herself been described as a quack?”

“Quack?”

“Oh no, it’s contagious!”

“Oh very funny Grimshaw.”

“What I mean is: As a political advisor Dr. Waddle has been very useful to the Government. However, as a champion of this country’s fauna the Animal Welfare League charge her with being as outspoken as a dying duck in a thunder storm.”

“Okay, stop with the duck analogies already. Dr. Waddle performs her tasks admirably. She’s a great asset to this government and to the wildlife of Australia. Considering she has no political experience I am amazed with her composure in regard to all this nonsense.”

“Yes, to her it’s just water off a – Sorry Minister.”

“Let me put it this way, Grimshaw. It was Dr. Waddle who urged the Minister of Health, earlier this year, to invest fourteen billion dollars for the sole benefit of our indiginous wildlife.”

“Really? What was that for?”

“Oh come on Grimshaw, where have you been? To protect birds against the Bird Flu.”

“I might have thought Bird Brain was more a threat to this country.”

Great secrecy surrounds the specifics of the blackmail case against Labour M.P. Mary Rose. Ms. Rose was, last week brought before the courts to answer charges of blackmail. It is alleged she demanded certain high paying positions from the Queensland Premier, Peter Beattie, in return for her silence about matters still of great public conjecture.

World famous conspiracy theorist and regular Yowie source Eugene X believes he has secured the content behind Ms. Rose’s attempted extortion.

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In response to the persistent and alarming problem of child sex scandals rocking the Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI has issued a bull requiring the mandatory castration of all existing and future priests.

“I don’t understand their concern,” said Cardinal Sin, a Vatican spokesman. “Part of becoming ordained is the taking of a vow of celibacy. And that vow is for life! It’s now time for these people to put their money where their mouths are.”

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