A rival version of the TV game show The Biggest Loser halted abruptly this week in Suva Fiji. Contestant’s had complained of being intimidated by the show’s sponsor. “He’s a REAL loser,” said one hopeful. “There’s more to being a loser than just shedding weight. And we’re not in this guy’s class.”

Sponsors, By Ling Slimming Tea, had promised the contestants a purse of one million dollars to be distributed by series end. The Fijian Government stood to make money and generate much needed global exposure.

By Ling Slimming Tea, however, was deregistered in the late eighties for false advertising. In short, it was a crock. The tea only slimmed pockets, doing nothing to reduce one’s weight. As was seen when company director Peter Foster was manhandled into a paddy wagon.

The disgusting, corrupulent, fleshy mass offending our televisions was living proof of By Ling’s ineffectuality. Furthermore, it once and for all put beyond any doubt Peter Foster’s undisputed claim to being the world’s biggest loser (in every aspect).

Following his controversial sermon comparing scantily clad western women to pieces of meat Sheik Taj Din al Hilali has admitted he’s a vegetarian. “I mean … I’m not interested in meat … if you get my drift,” said a sheepish looking al Hilali. “Well, um … not the meat that reminds you of scantily clad women anyway. Give me the veges – yes Sir.”

Sheik al Hilali told the Yowie this was exactly what he meant when he said his sermon had been taken out of context. “Look, in my culture you can’t just say these things, okay. You’ve got to pad them out a bit. And I’ve been putting this off for far too long.”

When asked to further explain his meaning al Hilali responded: “I don’t know how to make this any plainer? Everyone knows I’m a vegetarian, alright? And vegetarians don’t like meat, do they? So when I compared meat to women … you get my drift? Bloody stupid westerners.”

Suicide Australia this week announced a 40% decline in the suicides of young Australian men over the past decade. Despite the drop, however, this statistic is still alarming.

The Yowie, however, questioned the need for Suicide Australia in the first place. “Can we agree a democratically elected government has two objectives? The first as visualising a style of life agreeable to its constituents. The second being the implementing of policies to attain it. If we can agree on this then the very existence of a government body such as Suicide Australia must be an admission of defeat from the outset!?”

S. A. responded. “No one expects a government to create a utopia for every one of its citizens. It might be harsh, but the cold facts of life boil down to the greatest good for the greatest number. Suicide Australia is the government’s way of minimising the harm attendant upon those who fall outside this margin.”

“But other professions have a zero failure policy,” returned the Yowie. “Imagine booking with an airline that advertised it’s 90% air saftey record. Or listening to Energy Australia predicting ONLY three days of blackouts for the next financial year. We all recognise this is not a perfect world, however MOST essential services aim for zero failure.”

“Yes, well I’m sure the government also aims for zero failure.”

“But you just said the government aims at the greatest good for the greatest number! That necessarily implies the government acknowledging its impending failing of some ctizens.”

“Perhaps you should take this up with the Federal Liberal party? I can only speak for Suicide Australia. And besides … what do you want? A society that neglects its margins?”

“No. I want a society without margins. And why is there such a high staff turnover in your branch?”

U. S. Secretary of Defence Mr Donald Rumsfeld announced today prisoners in Camp X-Ray would be celebrating Christmas this year. “Yes,” he said at a White House press conference, “We are closing Guantenemo. The Administration has concluded it is in the best interests of all to reintroduce these enemy combatants back into society. Having the prisoners celebrate Christmas is one of the programs in place to reintegrate them.”

When asked if the U.S. government would be sending them any gifts Mr Rumsfeld returned, “I think the gift of life is more than adequate. On top of this we have, for the last three years fed, housed, clothed, and cared for these men. Men, let us not forget, intent upon the destruction of our society.”

“Are the inmates of Camp X-Ray still those enemy combatants from the Iraq conflict?” asked the Yowie.

“Well, duh!” answered Mr Rumsfeld. “Where have you been these past three years?”

“It’s just that if they are the same people then they are linked with Al Qaeda, correct?”

“Yes, we’ve taken this into account. No prisoners of any threat will be released. Those thought to still pose a danger will be rendered to other third party prisons.”

“No, no. That’s not what I was getting at. What I mean is if these inmates are affiliated with Al Qaeda then they’re probably Muslim. And if they’re Muslim they don’t celebrate Christmas.”

Federal Minister for Agriculture Ian McFarlane announced today that farmers were “worrying needlessly” about the drought. “We’ll be okay,” he said, while addressing a rural community in the Darling Downs. “I expect money to come from Asia any day now.”

When asked how he could be so optimistic about handouts from Asia Mr McFarlane responded, “Well we (the Australian Government) gave the affected Asian countries a little over a billion dollars after the tsunami disaster. Surely any day now they’ll give us a few million to build water lines to the interior. Hell, after what we did they should come over here and build the pipeline for us! After all,” he smiled, “that’s the way these things work.”

Renowned conspiracy theorist Michael M. has named Australia as one of the foremost nations involved with social engineering programs. “We’ve a long history with such things,” he said.

Speaking nervously and looking agitated Mr M. expounded upon his theory: “Forget bombs and guns, the real invasions happen through out-breeding your competitor cultures. It may take a while, but sheer weight of numbers always wins in the end. For instance: European settlers in North America out-breeding their Red Indian counterparts and seizing control of the nation. Then Africans, originally imported into America as slaves, now occupying two of the top three offices in the country. History is littered with such examples.”

Earlier this year Imams in Sydney were quoted as saying Australia would be a Muslim nation within fifty years (Really!). The reason given for this prediction is the number of offspring proportional to each of Australia’s many cultures. Muslims have much higher birthrates than any other group.

In July the Federal government responded by introducing a Baby Bonus. “I call it the Battle of the Bedrooms,” said Michael M. “Sure it was people of all backgrounds that got the bonus, but as it stands now which background is predominant in Australia?”

Michael M. however, contends the battle is a lot grimmer and goes a lot further than this. “What was the Stolen Generation if not a misguided attempt at ethnic control and cultural assimilation? The introduction of Detention Centers for illegal immigrants serves the same purpose, if only negatively. You can even argue the forced expulsion of convicts from England was a euthenically inspired form of social cleansing. I’m not commenting on whether it’s right or wrong, I’m simply saying this is the way it is.”

However, now, according to Mr. M., things have taken a decided turn for the worse. “The Baby Bonus was a failure,” he says, pounding the table with his fist. Australians of European background are not reproducing at the same rate as other cultures regardless of the money waved at them. At this rate we are being out-bred, by everyone else and paying them to do it. Fortunately today’s government understands there’s no place for a Nazi ‘Final Solution’. Instead the government have formulated a response I like to call The Frankenstein Conspiracy.”

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Emanuel Johnson, a man long renowned within his circle of friends as a party animal “Here For A Good Time, Not A Long Time” died yesterday, aged 27, when he fell off a third storey balcony at an inner city party.

His death is being described as “untragic” by close friends and family, who proclaimed that Emanuel was “a man who lived by the party, so it was appropriate he died by the party. Most deaths are tragic, but Manny’s is truly one of the few that is neither tragic nor unexpected. For years, he himself ran a book on his own death. Drowning in a pool of his own vomit was paying 6/4, overdose 3/1 and ‘party induced accident’ was at better than sixes.”

Mr Steven Douglas of Strathfield was said to have been the winner of the death pool, having laid down $20 on ‘party induced accident’ in 1999, for a return believed to be around the $130 mark. He could not be reached for comment.

Manny’s parents also could not be reached, but were said to be happy that they had a son who not only had goals, but achieved them in such a determined manner. “Not everyone achieves their goals in life, but Manny’s was a flame that burnt bright, if short”.

A spokesperson for the family described Mr and Mrs Johnson, in a prepared statement, as “proud right to the end”.

Manny’s funeral is scheduled for Friday, and is planned as an alcohol filled wake, in keeping with Manny’s wishes.