Man Penised Chiron

It isn’t easy being half man, half horse and getting your genitalia from your father’s side. Whilst all my mates are wondering around the country side packing a member that they could use to beat small mammals to death with, I instead wander around with this tiny man dick.

And before all you humans tell me “it isn’t all that bad”, have you ever tried to mount a female centaur? I don’t get within a foot of getting it in, and that is if the female even gives me half a look in, which given my plight, many simply won’t do.

And at least humans can reach their privates, no matter how small they are. Have you ever seen centaur arms? I can’t even scratch my belly, let alone offer myself any sort of hand relief.

And the taunts and the teasing! My god, who ever knew other centaurs could be so cruel? “Chiron not on” is one name I get called. “Can’t-get-on” another. And if I hear one more horse phallused centaur say to me “isn’t that your jockey’s?” I will absolutely scream.

What’s more, it isn’t like they make penis pills for Centaurs, and the one Doctor I approached about a transplant from a real horse refused to work with me. I tell ya, it is enough to make a centaur as mad as heck.

That is probably why I try so hard to excel. I am always in the gym working out, and no one can run 5 furlongs like I can. And the fighting! Many a centaur has rued the day he chose to call me “man dick”. I may not pack much in the lovin’ department, but I sure do pack a mean kick when provoked.

I only hope that one day I can find a nice female to settle down with, one that can see past my tiny member, and see the real, living, breathing, feeling Centaur underneath.

Sounds a simple question, right? Well apparently not. Philosophers at Griffith University’s Department for Arts have recognised that such a question is itself rhetorical. So what? Well if the question ‘What counts as an answer?’ cannot be answered then the human race is doomed to never knowing (that is truly knowing) anything!

So what, again!? Doesn’t this just recognise the problems of understanding? Well, no. It means true one–to–one knowledge is forever beyond us! It means the entire enterprise of philosophy, science, and any open ended field of knowledge is, to put it bluntly, worthless!

“If each culture sphere is responsible for the criteria determining the acceptablity governing the status of the knoweldge they produce (said a breathless philosophy post graduate) then it’s Rafferty’s Rules. Anyone can set up their intellectual barrow and hawk whatever belief systems they like! And no one can say they’re any worse than the mainstream because they can merely palm it off with an appeal to Relativity.

Where do ghostwriters go when they die? If they were ghosts in real life what do they become when they die? And what, exactly, is the status of a living ghost? Theological groups around the world are meeting in Helsinki this week to thrash out these thorny issues.

The problem started earlier last month with the passing of an unnamed ghostwriter in the United States. Despite clear instructions in his will the Catholic Church refused to grant him an orthodox burial and ceremony. Ghosts, of any persuasion, are, by Papal decree, ‘restless souls without the comfort of God.’ Catholic Ambassador to the Ghost summit, in Helsinki, drew the conclusion: “They are therefore anathema (cursed of God) and beyond the sanctuary of the Church. This law was, however, coined in 1611, around the time of the Conquistadors. At that time there were no ghostwriters, so we perhaps need to revisit the specifics of this issue. Hoever, a Papal decree is a Papal decree and the law will remian in place until the current Pope overrules it.”

Whatever the outcome the Yowie just hopes the name on the tombstone is spelt correctly.

So much depends upon,

Paris, Hilton Sex Video Ad

A small grey comma.

Shaded #333333,
In A Sex Video Ad.

A strange homage to William Carlos Williams in a vain attempt to raise the intellectual standards of a poorly proof read blog? No.

Rather, it is a lame segueway pointing to the heart of an ACCC investigation into false advertising by the adult video distribution company, Mature Film Corp pty ltd.

The ACCC today is investigating claims the Sex video was sold using advertising intended to “mislead and confuse consumers”.

The case revolves around what an ACCC spokesperson calls “the worst comma (they) have ever seen”.

“Have you seen the ad?” The ACCC spokesperson, who refused to be named, told The Yowie. “Just look at the full-sized copy of the image, and tell me if you can see a comma between Paris and Hilton. You practically need a microscope.”

As the image below shows, the comma is indeed difficult to spot. Blown up 100 times normal size, even at this resolution the comma is hard to see.

“By strategically using a shade of grey that is extremely difficult to detect on a black background”, The ACCC said. “The intention we contend was to mislead consumers into believeing teh video featured the reality TV Celebrity rich girl, and noted Pratt Pack member Paris Hilton.”

The ad, which ran in Australian Celebrity Obsessive, claimed to have the “best quality video available” of the infamous Paris Hilton sex video, renowned for its poor, grainy qualities.. However, when unsuspecting purchasers received the video in the mail, instead of the twenty something Heiress to the Hilton fortune in teh wild thorws of passion, purchasers were subjected to a 30 minuite video of 48 year old brickies labourer Max Smithson and his wife Enid making the “beast with two backs” in the Hilton in Paris.

And that wasn’t the end of the complaints. Many purchasers claimed that it wasn’t just the misdirection that was so appalling, but rather the state of the two lead protagonists bodies and general appearance, both of whom were described by one traumatised viewer as “the Godzilla side of repulsive”. This particular traumatised purchaser, who refused to be named, is also suing for damages, claiming that his enjoyment of porn had been “permanently and irrevocably damaged” by watching the video. His collection of over 10,000 videos, and his extensive online subscriptions, have been “rendedered obsolete, and now I no longer have a hobby”.

“Used to be”, he told The Yoiwe. “That I could watch porn for hours and not think about the emptiness of my pety existence. Now, all I ever see when I watch a video is those two appalling people doing unspeakable things.”

The company in concern, which is actually owned by the husband and wife team featured in the video, claims no wrong doing.

“The website we mention in the ad clearly indicates that Mature Films Corp only sells videos of myself and Enid get nasty in various idyllic locations around the world”, Mr Smithson told The Yowie. He claimed that the Paris, Hilton edition was a long time favourite of his “small, but loyal” clientele, “right up there with the Best Western Blue Diamond Motor Inn Dubbo edition”, which was shot on the couples 25th wedding anniversary. Mr Smithson claims that he only advertised the video after receiving nothing but “glowing praise” for the quality and artistry of the Paris, Hilton edition.

“We deny absolutely any wrong doing in this matter, and state categorically that any misleading was purely accidental. Enid and I plan to fight this to the bitter end. When for our right as mature, consenting adults to film our nocturnal horizontal dancing and sell it to anyone who’ll take it is taken away by callous bureaucrats, well, I wonder what the diggers who died in World War II would think. If you ask me, and not that anyone did mind, but if you ask me, when this sort of thing starts happenning, I reckon the terrorist have already won.”

The case is ongoing, with a ruling expected by the end of the November.

In entertainment news, US Rapper ‘lil Killer G Doggy Dog has taken Rolling Stone Magazine to court in an attempt to have details of his childhood Chess Prodigy past suppressed.

‘lil Killer G Doggy Dog

Rolling Stone allegedly uncovered this tawdry secret whilst doing a piece on ‘lil Killer G (real name Andrew Smith) after his Grammy nominated debut album, “%#%$# the &^$^%$ in the &&^%^ hood” went platinum. Several “irregularities” were uncovered in ‘lil Killer G’s story of his childhood, including claims he spent years in “the system” for a murder he claimed to have committed at age 8, leading Rolling Stone to dig a little deeper.

The subsequent investigation uncovered his rather happy and affluent past in upstate New York, and the alleged Chess ability. The story threatens to be the biggest entertainment story of the year, and is tipped to derail the once promising career of a man who Rolling Stone itself had just two months previously proclaimed “the likely heir to the Tuppac crown”.

A spokesperson for Rolling Stone refused to officially comment, due to ongoing legal battles, but The Yowie has confirmed through Upstate New York Chess Confederation secretary Judith Morrison that ‘lil Killer G was indeed a chess star, with Ms Morrison stating that “Andrew was one of my favourites. A really lovely, polite and well groomed young man, who came from two fine parents, both doctors”. This is significantly at odds with his self proclaimed past of struggle and triumph over adversity, in which he claims he never met his father, and hs mother abandoned him at age 7.

A spokesman for the noted gangsta rapper declined to comment on the specifics of the case, but did said the ‘lil Killer G camp would fight what he called “spurious and false allegations to the bitter, murderous end”. He also maintained the party line that ‘lil Killer G was indeed a “gangsta of the worst kind”, who was “much more likely to commit a major, violent felony like assault, rape, heck even murder, than ponder the relative value giving up a pawn for a bishop”.

‘lil Killer G’s management team went further in their suit, released Thursday, in which they claimed that the Chess Prodigy stories were a “beat up” and a “pathetic attempt to silence the spokesman of his generation”.

Online, fans of ‘lil Killer G have shown almost unanimous support, with one poster, who went by the handle ‘lil Killer B, pointing to a “whiteyman (sic) conspiracy to silence the black man and keep uppity n**** down”.

The case is set down to be heard Monday morning, anda prominant legal expert told The Yowie that “Andrew is screwed. I mean, that being a chess prodify is bad for hsi curent profession is not grounds for any sort of suppression i am aware of.”

Added: ‘lil Killer B has been revealed as Baltimore youth Daniel O’Hare, who apparently is not only white, but also attends an exclusive Baltimore private school. Daniel’s parents have since made him appologise for his comments online, which they described as “rascist and derogatory”.

A Morgan Gallop Poll released today shows that honesty, long the top place holder in “Best Policy” scenarios has fallen, amongst the general public, to number three.

“This tracks very well with the we have seen over the years for politicians and the business community, both of which have long held honesty in much less esteem than Joe Public”, the report claimed.

What surprised many Best poly watchers was not honesty’s fall, but the rise of “who cares?” to number one. “We have raised a generation of Nihilists and uncaring, unsympathetic, well, aresholes quite frankly”, 37 year old Best Policy analyst for the HMIC Group said. “This latest generation is the biggest bunch of spoiled, pampered, ridiculously self centred tossers on record”.

These sentiments were echoed by 77 year old grandparent of three Doris Jones, who told The Yowie “young people today have no respect, and don’t know how good they got it. A dishonest, disrespectful bunch of ne’er do wells they are. No respect at all I tell yah. Just the other day see, I was on the bus and… no don’t go, stay for some tea”.

The official results are listed below:

In a bizzare twist to the North Korean nuclear stand-off CIA officials are questioning a New York barber whom they believe acted as a middle-man between Kim Jong Il and his American financial backer. “Until now,” said a CIA source close to the investigation, “there has only been a prima facie link between the backer and President Kim. However, now we have the barber we believe we may be able to lay charges.

Yowie political correspondent Grimsahw Yank asked if the CIA were prepared to further explain their investigation and name the suspected financier.

“The investigation was simply putting two and two together,” replied the source. Only a few men in the world are capable of giving a haircut as bad as the one worn by President Kim. We simply put out our feelers for this man and then looked down his client list.”

“Any names stand out?” asked our faithful Yowie reporter.
“Isn’t it obvious? Who has the money, the connections, and enough bad taste to have a hairstyle similar to that?
“Elvis?”
“Donald Trump!”
“So you’ve got the big wigs then?”
“Are you being funny?
”