Aboriginal Elders, representing the wider Indigenous community, today declared their victory against the invading whitemen. In a startling development, a spokesman for the elders announced the curse of five wirrunen, Aboriginal sorcerors, invocated in 1906 to have finally accomplished its task.

In east central Australia sometime in 1906 a collection of wirrunen formed what historians came to call the Molonga cult. This cult was formed to fight the invading Europeans by calling upon the Great Mother from the Water (Ka’inini). After five nights of chanting and corroboree Ka’inini was invoked to swallow the whites and send them to the Dreamtime. According to the Aboriginal spokesman this has now been accomplished.

When asked to explain the Spokesman pointed out how the lives of Australians are vacuous, illdirected, and meaningless. “Your bodies exist in this land but your minds are trapped in the Dreamtime. We have won!

Computer hardware companies in England, the U.S., and Australia are banding together to pressure their respective governments to introduce a new letter to the English language.

This new letter will look like the capital letter ‘T’ only rotated 90 degrees clockwise and it will symbolise the sound of someone blowing a rasberry!

When asked why the language needed this addition Lance Lumley of the conglomerate organisations answered, “The inclusion of this letter will make all previous computer consoles obsolete. This is purely a marketing strategy!” As many of the reporters grumbled at the ethics of such a maneuver Lumley replied, “Oh come on! Software manufacturers have been doing stuff like this for years!”

A Monash University think tank has uncovered ‘irrefutable proof’ that 40% of all research is not worth the paper it is written on. This startling find has the academic world in a spin and already has scientists questioning Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (Hitherto a bedrock of scientific certainty).

Your ever faithful science reporter will relay the facts as they come to light.

As part of the fall out from the well publicised child abandonment case in Venezuala, wherein a young mother tied her infant in a plastic bag and threw hin in a river, officials within the Catholic Synod are reviewing the actions of Moses’ Mother.

In an effort to save her young son from the Egyptian Pharoah, Moses’ mother put him in a basket and hid him in the bullrushes of the Nile.

“The parallel is disturbing,” says an unnamed source close to the Cardinals. “Many people in South American countries are of the Catholic faith, and if this young mother appeals to the precedent of Moses’ mother to justify her actions she may very well have all charges against her quashed.”

Moses’ mother was deemed a heroine for the risk she took, thereby allowing a prophet of Christ to fulfill his function. “Legally the mother can claim she abandoned her infant for the same reasons and get away with it”, said the source. “So we’re attempting to close the loophole before the trial begins.”

In an effort to combat what is currently known as Gulf War Syndrome (but is more commonly known as Shell shock or Battle Fatigue) U.S. pharmaceutical companies have stumbled upon a lucrative prize: psychotropic drugs.

Psychotropic drugs are already used to treat many forms of mood disorders from depression to hyperactivity. The U.S. Army has, for sometime, been investigating the creation of an anti-remorse pill to create better soldiers. Now the private and public sectors are sharing their research to fulfill the desires of one of the largest markets in the world.

Col. Dutton from U.S. Pharmaceuticals explains: “Desire is pain, say the Buddhists. To escape the Kharmic wheel of life one must eradicate desire. But desiring not to desire is itself a desire. Well now we can eliminate all desire with one pill! Every single Buddhist will reach Nirvana, or wherever the hell it is they want to go anyway, for only seventeen dollars a month.

“God bless America!”

TV Viewers Treated with Conempt by Stations!
By Farinelli

Arthur Grum has commenced legal action agianst the big five free-to-air telveision networks in Australia. “They’re treating us with contempt!” he rages. “Just listen to the crap they talk on the weather! They use terms like ‘upper level low’ and ‘experiencing the back of a front’, What the hell does that mean!? ‘Peak of a trough’ for God’s sake! ‘Sunny with a few showers’ is the shortest odds each way bet I’ve ever heard of! And ‘Cloudy with storms’! Have you ever known storms to happen without it being Cloudy? They are talking a load of dribble and rotting away what little is left of our already emaciated brains!”
Mr. Grum has been listening closely to the weather forecast on television and the radio and concludes they don’t know a thing about what the weather will be. “It seems each of the stations is trying to outdo the other with their porridge talk!”
Updates as they occur.

After his State of the Union address, U.S. President George Bush is tipped to announce he will be making cuts to the defence budget.

The first to go will be conventional bombs. These will be replaced with Pork Rings which can be plentifully produced at a fraction of the price of munitions.

“Plus”, Strategic Analyst Randy Grunberg told the Yowie, “the Pork rings will desanctify any Muslim it touches. Drop enough Pork Rings, and you effectively shutdown the country. If nothing else, retributive Pork Ring bombing on sites holy to Islam could prove very effective.”